So I beg and plead for help, for training, for understanding, for MENTORSHIP and all I get are riddles and increasing threats of blackmail and imprisonment AND NOW the new threat of LIFE IN PRISON for something I've never done, never contemplated, never had any inclination toward doing, and something the evidence for which which have to be 100% artificially fabricated?!?!?!?

I'm not normal. I'm as much incentivized by that to completely give up hope and abandon all hope of success as I am to man-up and somehow power through this in a state of complete mental breakdown. I'd have committed suicide 1,000 times over by now if I weren't convinced hell would be the punishment for such. I've been nothing but a LOSER and a CHOKER… WHY THE FUCK would I be chosen for something I have been told I SUCK AT every step of the way? Every time another threat gets thrown at me, I either push myself harder and make some achievements for a brief period of time or I utterly collapse into despair and Ostrich mode. I've all but completely imploded at this point. And what help do I get? More threats… AND TODAY a new threat level that I'll be LIED ABOUT to a point of horrific destruction? Life in prison? Me? I've done nothing even close to meriting such. I've come to absolutely loathe whoever/whatever force is behind all of this, and in the case that it's GOD, it terrifies me even MORE how much I hate whatever WHOMEVER is doing to me. I know I'm posting this in vain, because I never get any help or encouragement… only more fear-fear-fear and threat-threat-threat which just increasingly demoralizes me to the point of utter uselessness. I keep wanting to go outside and just lay down in the road. I can't ever be calm, I can't ever be focused on achieving what is demanded of me… I constantly feel like the 5-year-old sissy sitting at his father's kitchen table crying because dad is making demands of me I just can't understand or implement. You seem to be all-knowing and have abilities that astonish me day-in and day-out but you refuse to give me the tools I need to succeed, despite my constant pleas of utmost sincerity. WHY. WON'T. YOU. HELP!?!?!?! I'm fucking drowning. I don't know how to swim, you've tossed me into the ocean and said "SWIM, MOTHER FUCKER" and I'm fucking CONSTANTLY on the verge of drowning. It's been made VERY CLEAR that there is no "OPT OUT" button that's even remotely palatable, so if there's some GIGANTIC CALLING on me, WHY ALL STICK AND NO CAROT!?!?!

Such a pointless post. You never help. Just endless threats.