Only naive, moronic anons, I fear.
I never dreamed in my worst nightmare all of this could be happening to me as a result of my seemingly harmless participation here.
God/Q have (or had) very high expectations and demands of me that I initially knew nothing about. I misconstrued comms, made a wrong move, landed in jail 6 months, then a homeless shelter for 9 more, got out, Q told me to ignore probation, I did (not realizing I was opening the door to being blackmailed), then the demands REALLY intensified, so far outside my comfort zone that I allowed fear and constant debilitating panic attacks to get the best of me, and now it looks like I''m going back to jail to serve my full sentence, losing everything AGAIN in the process. I DESPERATELY hope I'm being given another chance before this is implemented, but even if so, I wonder if I can perform much better. My hope for any kind of life or future is shattered atm. I believe God has great plans—it's just that I feel like the statement by Obama of Biden…"never underestimate his ability to fuck things up." It's all I seem to do, despite really trying to do what I'm told.
Lord Jesus, please, please, please have mercy on me and allow this cup to pass.
Message received SO loud and clear and despite my concern that my evangelism performance/souls won will NEVER please you, I will keep trying to improve my techniques and do everything in my power to shun the sins I was falling back into in order to offset the stress. I know I CANNOT engage in porn or drinking.
And whatever the case, more than almost anything Lord, I beg you to remove the anxiety/panic attacks that have been utterly debilitating me. Anyone looking at them from the outside might think they're crazy/I'm crazy, but that doesn't make it any less real to me and disastrously-impactful. I KNOW we have not been given the spirit of fear, but that combined working out my salvation with fear and trembling has been crushingly paradoxical this year.
Praise God, Thank You Jesus, I know you have a good plan for me… just PLEASE limit my suffering to what's not going to derail me like it has.