Plagiarized Thoughts:

• In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing. It really needs to work that way in Congress, too.

• Can you imagine working at the Unemployment Department? If you got fired you'd still have to show up the next day.

• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Because "moar bewbs" are more likely to be shouted at a beauty pageant.

• What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.

• Politics is just show business for ugly people.

• What do politicians and porn stars have most in common? They're both experts at switching positions in front of camera.

• Pick a side. There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

• Make a bargain with a Democrat: if he stops lying about you, you'll stop telling the truth about him.

• Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from overseas.

• Political speeches are like steer horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

• The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’

• The cardinal rule of politics: never get caught in bed with a live man or a dead woman.

• Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.

• If you want to succeed in politics, you must keep your conscience well under control.

• Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

• The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

• In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.

• When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not guilty".

• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.

• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers.

• Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.

• Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.

• A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.

• The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is lying.

• In a recent fire Al Gore's library burned down. Both books were lost. And he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.