Dear Patriots,

I have a tale of woe to share with y’all:

This morning, around 7AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that if he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible, ethical citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.