October 03, 2018

Presidential Text Alert System Goes Into Effect

—Ace of Spades

 

Here are the first few texts alerts sent by the system:

 

TROPICAL STORM ALERT: Tropical Storm Candace threatens Alabama.

 

Storm looks totally disgusting, no class at all!

 

TRAVELER WARNING ISSUED FOR TURKEY: Chatter from terrorist groups suggests plot to kidnap Americans.

 

I know some Turks. Great friends of mine. They always tell me, "You're so smart, your hair is so golden and lustrous, everyone says it." Terrific people.

 

Not so great at hand-washing, though. THIS MUST CHANGE!

 

TROPICAL STORM CANDACE CHANGES PATH, NOW THREATENS SOUTH CAROLINA: This one, folks. What can I tell you? She's what I call a "real beaut."

 

Like this Christine Ford woman. Keeps changing her story. I'm going to Alabama, I'm going to South Carolina, I don't know where I'm going, I had one beer. I'm a doctor, now I'm a baby. I'm afraid to fly, oh wait, now I'm building my own jet-pack.

 

If this storm wants to hit someone, it should come at me. I can take it.

 

ONLY I CAN FIX!

 

AMBER ALERT: A seven-year-old girl, Heather Swinton, is missing in Kansas.

 

WHERE IS MICHAEL AVIATTI?

 

Guy rubs me the wrong way. Maybe rubs kids the wrong way, if you know what I mean.

 

I MEAN HE DIDDLES CHILDREN. Not right!

 

DOW JONES PLUNGES. Just kidding, folks. The Dow Jones is huge. Huge. People are telling me, Donald, I've never seen the stock market so high, it's incredible, I can't believe it, unemployment is at record lows, you're the greatest thing for black employment since slavery.

 

#MAGA!

 

PRESIDENTIAL CLARIFICATION ALERT: My deeply disappointing son-in-law is bitching at me that I shouldn't have said that thing about slavery.

 

Come on, these are jokes. Where are my blacks? They know what I mean. Kanye and me, we're cool. You see his wife? Phew. Ass like a dump-truck carrying eight tons of fuck.

 

I'm getting off-track. I do that, I do that sometimes.

 

Dat ass doh.

 

But seriously, the black employment rate has never been higher. People tell me, they say Donald, this is incredible, black and hispanic unemployment is at record lows, it's unbelievable, we all doubted you, we all said you couldn't do it, you have incredible skin, you went to Wharton.

 

Jim Acosta's a fag!

 

Oh, to add in some real news: John Bolton said "Palestine" today and put it in " " " air quotes " " ".

 

Which is fantastic.

 

pic.twitter.com/qZ6VwdHqvP

— David Rutz (@DavidRutz) October 3, 2018

 

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