I think about this stuff all the time, and spend a lot of time researching it. Thing is, I hate most of the youtube videos and web sites that focus on this stuff. It draws in too many weirdos and deranged people and is hard to take serious. On the other hand, it tends to attract weird people because normies will never investigate anything that they aren't specifically told to investigate. It's a catch 22 I guess.
I wish the governments of the world would just share all the information we have, even if it is discomforting. I wonder if any high level military people have ever been told the truth about extraterrestrials and they just started screaming uncontrollably with their brains boiling out of their ears? Humans are highly adaptable, I doubt anyone would kill themselves over knowing the truth about this stuff.