Seek professional help. Seriously. You are displaying several signs of frank mental illness at a rather advanced stage. Ask for a SPECT scan before accepting any medical diagnosis. I'm not dissing you, I'm actually responding to what I've been seeing for the past few weeks. I'm not going to give an 'Anon' diagnosis, but will strongly recommend you get a few opinions and a SPECT scan of your brain.
Look into molecular biopsychiatry if you have time…very frequently upping B vitamins and minerals will go a long way to getting troublesome thinking cleared up.
The Lord bless you and keep you. I hope you find peace.