ya been through this line of jibber-jabber at least 10,000 times. now you've gone public with it, not as a warning or goodbye, but just to see if anyone can relate to what you're going through. yes, many of us can. some are vets, some ain't. those of us who have put up with it for over 40 years can tell you honestly that you have endured these storms many times and they ALWAYS end with you realizing the need to accept what is seemingly unacceptable; they ALWAYS end with you finally agreeing to be you, to be this condition, to be this story, this destiny. It isn't always bad – but it ALWAYS seems that it has always been bad when you are in the STORM.
We simply agree to be THIS PERSON with his despair and negative thoughts. We shrug our shoulders and accept the truth that ALL PHYSICAL LIFE CONTAINS SUFFERING from the cradle to the grave. Ice cream & shit from start to finish.
Notice every suicidal-storm ends when you agree to be everything the storm is saying you shouldn't be.
Remember: There are people who kidnap children and sell them to adults. Those adults rape, kill and eat those children. Those people sleep at night; they watch football, they go to Disneyland. They have no problem being themselves.
Remember: There are people who knowingly develop diseases on behalf of Big Pharma to unleash on the public.
Remember: Big Pharma unleashed "opioids" (not opium or heroin, but synthetic heroin) upon the public.
Do you kidnap, rape, or eat children?
How about dogs & cats? Some people in this world steal people's beloved dogs & cats.
Doesn't matter why you are suicidal. It's the storm, the same old script of complaints, faults, and grievances. It ALWAYS ends when we agree to be it; agree to be whatever we are accused of within ourselves. Be the burning. Don't wish it away. Trying to be free from the storm only aggravates the storm. Just be the pain and it will subside. Sleep as much as you need/want. Think about smoking or vaping some marijuana some day. It loosens your attitude and makes your thoughts playful.
You may very well commit suicide some day and it is only just one way to die. Not a mistake. No mistakes in this dreamworld. We wrote our scripts and planned our mortal journeys before the Big Bang. We included PAIN because we as spirits can take it. We are real as spirits and nothing real can ever be threatened or destroyed or manipulated. All living creatures are the product & creation of their perfect spiritual selves. You done did this "life" to yourself. We all did.
One way to feel better about being such a "shit-ass" (so says the critic in our heads) is to find an opportunity where you can help other people (like delivering books to the housebound, bagging groceries at a foodbank, etc.).
There is no cure for a life-destiny we designed before the Big Bang. There is only stress & relief, stress & relief. Injury & healing. Famine & feast. It was never meant to be a completely smooth ride for anyone – and it never has been.
Semper fi, patriot.