perhaps you simply need a break from the board.
answers are usually easier than the mind wants to believe.
"ending it all" in your context would seem a waste, as it takes courage to be where you are, and where you are necessitates a strong mentality. You don't build muscles with one workout, every weight at once…..rest periods are necessary.
No need for apologies here either. It is best that feelings are left at the door so logic may consume the mind. Holidays, no matter the memories or reminders of loss, are still days of the week and weeks of the year. Life must go on, it is what we fight for. We all know and understand depression, feelings of futility, anger, rage, it is why we are here..it is what brought us here, it is what brought the original "pepes" to the pond well before Q….it was shared with you in the hopes hope itself could be seen through all the bullshit that we are right this moment surrounded by and breathing in. It was hope that brought you here. If you can remember that hope, I would hope it helps anon. Don't let them win in your mind, and they lose by default.