I know how this feels and how you feel. I have had a similar problem myself. Please heed this advice:
No matter what happens, how you feel or what you do, do NOT harm yourself.
Important: The reason people harm themselves in this situation is because the pain, yes PAIN, you’re feeling seems too much to bear. The secret is that the human mind can not live in pain indefinitely. Given time, that emotional part of you will become exhausted and the feelings will ease. You need to find a way to buy time to let that happen.
Find a professional to talk with. Someone you feel you can trust and who you can be honest with about what medication you are not prepared to take. You may need to try a few medical professionals before you feel okay with one of them.
Am praying for you. We and the world are richer for having you with us. God bless.