That's a lot of descriptors you're taking off the table.
That's fine. My go-to phrase is intact:
''We're being attacked and traduced by satanic pedophiles that work for intelligence agencies.''
This can be either CIA or Mossad, it doesn't matter; They're both equally bad at what [they] purport to do.
And [they] all want to trick everyone into attacking the wrong target. (read: anyone except [them])