8 I say it will be psuedofinished because the Loose Canon should never be finished. 9 Future holy men and women and robots will unveil more theological ideas and histories and the views of the Church will probably change with time. 10 So in the interest of being a perpetually modern religion, Councils of Olive Garden must periodically convene to compile new editions of the Loose Canon.
“holy text. 15 One should not take a holy text as word for word truth. 16 Afterall, it's just a book written by imperfect humans, not by the all- knowing Flying Spaghetti Monster. 17 Though I could be completely wrong about all of this. 18 Future Pastafarians are just gonna have to think for themselves and make up their own minds.
19 So with that said, I hope the congregation will enjoy the Loose Canon. 20 I hope everyone gets a laugh out of its stories and ponders the wisdom of its teachings. 21 So stay tuned maties cause it's coming and it'll be awesome when it does. 22 And maybe that dick, Darwin, will think twice about tempting us with his evidence and facts when he sees how psyched we are about our newly made book filled with revelations from the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
23 RAmen,”
Excerpt From: The Loose Canon. “The Prayer Book.” iBooks.
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“The Book of Midgets/Midgits
a history
*As transcribed by DaveL
Chapter I
The Curse of The Bald Midget
1In the days when the Flying Spaghetti Monster combed the Bobby Mountain, 2He looked upon the Earth and saw that the land was devoid of chosen subjects. 3In His awesome Noodly Hugeness, the FSM cast his Noodly Appendage forth over the Bobby Mountain and said with a noodly growl,
4"Send forth my beloved subjects! 5Be they small and capable of head butting tall people in the groin. 6Let them be capable of acting as mobile beer holders. 7Let them be cute and cuddly, 8and let them be capable of riding many a good winner at the races
“9And into the world the Midgets did come. 10For they were indeed extremely cute and cuddly. 11The bald midgets were sometimes confused by the FSM with sticks of roll on deodorant. 12This amused the FSM greatly, 13who named the bald midgets 'The Rexona' or ' The Rexonii' (plural). 14But extremely cute and cuddly they were.
15In the early days the midgets grew much Basil and Herbs. 16And in the absence of protein in the diet, they did not grow tall. 17And the leader of their tribe was Egbert. 18For he was so loved by the FSM for his baldness, that he was spared from further midget gags as an act of charity.
19Then one day following the Basil harvest, Egbert and the tribe grew restless 20and longed for the addition of minced beef in their pasta penne. 21But Egbert”
“knew additional protein may force him to grow tall, thereby forfeiting his venerable midgetness. 22This would also forfeit his right to receive kid's portion meals at McDonalds, 23which was a real bummer.
24And the FSM did appear unto Egbert and the midget tribe and spoke.
25"Look guys, I'm really sorry for the really bad midget gags at your expense. 26But it's really boring being a supreme being sometimes."
27And the midgets did cheer sending forth high fives all round with their pudgy hands and fingers.
28"As a sign of my good measure I will allow you to add ground beef, 29provided you maintain a balanced diet and don't grow tall."
30And the midgets did but whoop and”
“holler in their tiny little voices 31singing Randy Newman songs in his honour (you can guess which).
32"Praised be unto His Noodly Appendages" they cried with their helium-filled voices.
33And in a bid to overcome their protein deficiency, 34the midgets set forth to slaughter everything that moved on the face of the earth. 35For they did slaughter the armadillo, the antelope, the aardvaak and all other animals between the letters A-Z. 36And Egbert did thus say:
"Doode-a, keelling ell thuse-a creetoores soore-a beets zee hell oooot ooff grooeeng beseel und herbs."
37And there was great noodly happiness on the slopes of Bobby Mountain.
38For theirs was the Kingdom of”
“Protein!!
~
Chapter II
The Great Boredom Incantation and the Coming of the Midgits
1Following the great Midget reconciliation, the FSM did but enter a great period of self satisfaction. 2For his subjects were omnivorous and yet retained their venerable Midgetness. 3And in the great void feeling pretty damn pleased with himself, he put his many tentacles upon his great celestial recliner rocker and mellowed right out.
4But following many years of relaxation, the Great Noodly One did become very bored. 5Despite the presence of his beloved Midgets he was very much alone. 6Being the only supreme being, there was little or no chance of him meeting an FSM babe for a bit of red hot action. 7And abso”
“absolutely no chance of him hoisting the if the Universe is rockin', don't come a knockin' sign on his celestial door.
8And in his solitude, the FSM did begin the Great Boredom Incantation, 9that boomed across the sky and shook the little folk from their midget high chairs.
10I'm bored
11I'm really bored
12I'm really really bored
13I'm really really, really bored
14(you'll get the hang of it after about 100 reallys)
15I'm so bored I find watching Bold and The Beautiful an absolute blast
16I'm so bored I find watching Oprah the highlight of my day
17I'm so bored I find Bill O'Reilly almost comical
18I'm so bored I find 'Alexander' an absolute ripper of a film”
Wait till ya find out the pervs wanting m to fiddle testicles and acting like authorities on chan boards
“19Then following the citing of several more thousand bad moments in TV and cinema, the FSM did thus end The Great Boredom Incantation.
20Sad for their Master, Egbert ordered the Midgets to try really damned hard to cheer FSM up. 21They dressed up in cute little outfits - Ewoks, Munchkins and assorted furry animals. 22They even sung cute little pantomine songs from Snow White, but the FSM was unmoved. 23Egbert in his adoration for the FSM raised his pudgy little arms to the sky and screamed:
24 "Hey Greet Speghettee Doode-a. Vhy ere-a yuoo su sed? Bork Bork Bork!"
25The FSM replied in perfect Ivy League Midgetese:
26 "Egbert, the midgets are my most blessed subjects. 27You have brought me”
“great piles of basil and herbs. 28You have let me dish out many bad midget jokes at your expense. 29For you have remained my most venerable subjects, 30despite the culling many endangered species to eat with your penne pasta."
31And Egbert did reply:
32 "Nu prublems yuoor vursheep. Fur ve-a ere-a hunuoored thet yuoo ere-a oooor Greet Mester."
33And the FSM replied with very plummy Midget intonations:
34 "Midgets, while I get a huge belly laugh paying out on you with bad jokes, 35there is room for more like you in the lands of Noodle Earth. 36While you are great in many ways, 37it should be pointed out that you are not perfect. 38In fact many of you are bald. 39In that regards I have decided to create a new race of littlies called”