858.277.9550
‘Because it can produce a few notes, tho they are very flat; and it is never put with the wrong end in front!’ This, however, is merely an afterthought; the Riddle, as originally invented, had no answer at all.
squatty potty 855.628.1099
trevorproject.org 1-866-488-7386
YOU LARP IS FAGGOT
ואז יהושע ודניאל ליקקו הרבה חמאת בוטנים לקוקאין לפני שנרצח בחור חד-קרן במנדליי ביי
ודניאל באמת אהב ללקק חמאת בוטנים מתוך התחת שלהם, ויהודי מזויף של יהושע הלך עם זה
וכך החל המסע של דניאל ויהושע מן הפלך עם חמאת בוטנים ומחייך, כי הם ליקק הרבה התחת ורבים התרשמו הבלבול שלהם
ודניאל באמת אהב ללקק חמאת בוטנים מתוך התחת שלהם, ויהודי מזויף של יהושע הלך עם זה
בקרוב הומוסקסואלים tavistock היה דחפים עבור דניאל וחמאת בוטנים, יהושע ו בולשיט
דניאל היה מבולבל על תינוקות ההוביטים אבל היה מוכן לרצות עם חמאת בוטנים
הושע ודניאל ייסעו עמוק לתוך היער בחמאת בוטנים ונדדו ויסעו בחיפוש אחר טבעת נישואים שקיבל סוחר הקוקאין מהם
דרך היער ומעלה הגבעות יהושע ודניאל עבדו חמאת בוטנים
יהושע ודניאל חשבו שהטביסטוק יעשה אותם עשירים עם הטריקים של חמאת בוטנים
ליקוק חזק יותר אמר שיהושע ודניאל ילקקו חזק יותר. לתוך היער הם היו מבלים זמן רב עם חורים וחמאת בוטנים
ככל שהם ליקקו עוד יותר את ליקקו עד שהם היו מתוך חמאת בוטנים ונמאס ללכת דרך היער מחפש סוחר קוקאין עם טבעת הנישואין שתפס אותם להכין תינוקות ההוביט
קשה היה להאמין שסיפוריהם גורמים לפניהם להיות מכוסים עדיין בחמאת בוטנים ובהומוסקסואליות
אז tavistock עשה קרם עבור דניאל
עד מהרה רצה צוואר ביד
ויהושע אמר שהוא זקוק לקוקאין כי דניאל עייף מלקק את כל חמאת הבוטנים
אז דיוויד וילקוק קיבל קצת קוקאין ולקח את העבודה של דניאל ויהושע וכולם קפצו לתוך ערימת חמאת בוטנים
את קרם היה חלקה יותר מאשר חמאת בוטנים חשב דניאל
ו דניאל קרא "אני עכשיו יהיה ידוע בשם Danalingus של pedovores tavistock, תן לי את החרב שלך כדי לשפשף חמאת בוטנים ללקק" ואת צווארון david הלך וקנה קוקאין יותר
דוד willcock קנה את קוקאין ממשפחת בוש אז זה היה חזק באמת מ laredo ואת חמאת בוטנים היה מועדון סמס אז הם הלכו על זה כל סוף השבוע
יהושע היה בגן עדן עם התחת ליקק וקוקאין
ודוד וילקוק ויהושע אמרו לדניאל שהוא יכול להיות יהודי כדי ללקק את כל החמאה
אפילו בונו לא יכול לעשות את זה הרבה חמאת בוטנים וקוקאין בסוף השבוע
אז דיוויד ווילקוק עשה את בונו הגרוע ביותר ואת דניאל פוני בצד עם בוש קוקאין
סטיב ג 'ובס היה שמח לגרום דוד ווילקוק היה כלבה מגעילה וכולם תפוח היה חרמן עבור jerry mcquire בכל מקרה
סורוס הוא אידיוט
עד מהרה הבין דניאל שזה לא תירס
דניאל הבין במהרה שזה לא ממתק שהוא אוכל בסוף
אבל דוד Wilcock נשבע שהוא לא לגנוב את טבעת הנישואין כאשר הם היו גבוהים על קוקאין חמאת בוטנים ביער
בקרוב פדופילים בממשלה יתקרב דניאל ו יהושע עם קוקאין
והרעב לחמאת בוטנים ימשיך במסעם דרך היער
יהושע אמר לדניאל לא לדאוג כי הם היו יהודים עכשיו וכי קרם tavistock יעשה אותם עשירים
וג'ושוע ודניאל בזזו את חור חמאת הבוטנים בשאר חלקי הרומן
> Ich habe den Drang
> (Ich kann ich kann)
> Ich kann noch eine Minute warten
> Ich habe den Drang zu Kräuter (ow Baby Baby)
> Ow yeah yeah (oh ja)
> Ich kann noch eine Minute warten
> Ich habe den Drang zu Kräutern
> Es ist alles so natürlich
> Ow Baby Baby
> Ich kann keine weitere Minute warten
> Ich habe den Drang zu Kräuter (ow Baby Baby)
> Ow yeah yeah (oh ja)
> Ich kann keine weitere Minute warten
> Ich habe den Drang zu Kräutern
> Es ist alles so natürlich
> Ow Baby Baby Ja
<< Meine Hoden fühlen sich heiß und klebrig an.
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja (2 x)
Ich glaube, ich habe es wieder getan
Ich habe dir glauben gemacht, dass wir mehr als nur Freunde sind
Oh Baby
Es mag wie ein Schwarm aussehen
Das heißt aber nicht, dass ich es ernst meinte
Weil alle meine Sinne verloren gehen
Das ist einfach so typisch für mich
Oh Baby Baby
Hoppla! … ich habe es wieder getan
Ich habe mit deinem Herzen gespielt und bin im Spiel verloren gegangen
Oh Baby Baby
Hoppla! … Du denkst, ich bin verliebt
Dass ich von oben geschickt werde
Ich bin nicht so unschuldig
Sie sehen, mein Problem ist das
Ich träume weg
Wenn sie sich diese Helden wünschen, existieren sie wirklich
Ich weine und beobachte die Tage
Kannst du nicht sehen, dass ich in vielerlei Hinsicht ein Narr bin?
Aber alle meine Sinne zu verlieren
Das ist einfach so typisch für mich
Baby, oh
Hoppla! … ich habe es wieder getan
Ich habe mit deinem Herzen gespielt und bin im Spiel verloren gegangen
Oh Baby Baby
Hoppla! … Du denkst, ich bin verliebt
Dass ich von oben geschickt werde
Ich bin nicht so unschuldig
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja (2X)
"Alle einsteigen"
"Britney, bevor du gehst, gibt es etwas, was ich will, dass du hast"
"Oh, es ist wunderschön, aber warte mal, oder?"
"Ja, ja, es ist"
"Aber ich dachte, die alte Dame hat es am Ende ins Meer fallen lassen."
"Nun, Baby, ich ging runter und habe es für dich"
"Oh, du solltest nicht haben"
Hoppla! … Ich habe es wieder zu Herzen getan
Ich habe mich in diesem Spiel verirrt, oh Baby
Hoppla! … Du denkst, ich werde von oben geschickt
Ich bin nicht so unschuldig
Hoppla! Ich habe es wieder getan
Ich habe mit deinem Herzen gespielt und bin im Spiel verloren gegangen
Oh Baby Baby
Hoppla! … Du denkst, ich bin verliebt
Dass ich von oben geschickt werde
Ich bin nicht so unschuldig
Hoppla! Ich habe es wieder getan
Ich habe mit deinem Herzen gespielt und bin im Spiel verloren gegangen
Oh Baby Baby
Hoppla! … Du denkst, ich bin verliebt
Dass ich von oben geschickt werde
Ich bin nicht so unschuldig
book of puddles pity party 4.902e6
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book of spaceballs 4.936e6
bella ciao
peanut butter and serial killers and hobbits and cocaine is not a form of government
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the book of dogo and kitteh and firefox as tehy battle teh homotus trannyshills of teh pedovores. as written by teh apostle m4xres
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book of doge 4.025e6
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spaghetti
linguini
fettucini
ravioli
Barbina
Bigoli
Bucatini
Capellini
Fedelini
Maccheroni alla molinara
Matriciani
Perciatelli
Pici
Vermicelli
Vermicelloni
Ziti
Bavette
Fazzoletti
Fettuccine
Fileja
Lagane
Lasagna
Lasagnette
Lasagnotte
Linguine
Maccheroncini di Campofilone
Mafalde
Mafaldine
Maltagliati
Pappardelle
Pillus
Pizzoccheri
Sagnarelli
Rombi
Sagnette
Scialatelli or scialatielli
Spaghetti alla chitarra
Stringozzi
Tagliatelle
Taglierini
Testaroli
Trenette
Tripoline
Anelli
Calamarata
Casarecce
Cavatappi
Chifferi
Fagioloni
Fusilli
Fusilli bucati
Gemelli
Gomiti
Maccheroni
Maccheroncelli
Marziani
Mezzani
Mezze maniche
Mezze penne
Mezzi bombardoni
Paccheri
Pasta al ceppo
Penne
Penne ricce
Rigatoncini
Rigatoni
Sagne 'ncannulate
Sedani
Spirali
Spiralini (Scharfalini)
Tortiglioni
Trenne
Tuffoli
Boccoli
Busiate (or busiati)
Campanelle or torchio
Castellane
Cavatelli
Cencioni
Cicioneddos
Conchiglie
Corzetti
Creste di galli
Farfalle
Fiorentine
Fiori
Foglie d'ulivo
Garganelli
Gnocchi
Gramigne / Spaccatelle
Lanterne
Lorighittas
Mandala
Marille
Malloreddus
Orecchiette
Pipe rigate
Quadrefiore
Radiatori
Riccioli
Ricciolini
Ricciutelle
Rotelle
Strozzapreti
Su Filindeu
Trofie
Vesuvio
Acini di pepe
Alfabeto
Anelli
Anellini
Conchigliette
Corallini
Ditali
Egg barley
Farfalline
Fideos
Filini
Fregula
Funghini
Grattini
Grattoni
Midolline
Occhi di pernice
Orzo
Pastina
Piombi
Puntine
Quadrettini
Sorprese
Stelle
Stortini
Tripolini
Agnolotti
Caccavelle
Cannelloni
Cappelletti
Caramelle
Casoncelli or casonsèi
Casunziei
Conchiglioni
Culurgiones
Fagottini
Lumache
Mezzelune
Occhi di lupo
Pansotti
Ravioli
Sacchettini
Sacchettoni
Tortelli
Tortellini
Tortelloni
Tufoli
Canederli
Passatelli
Noodles
This is a dynamic list and may never be able to satisfy particular standards for completeness. You can help by expanding it with reliably sourced entries.
Fideo is a type of pasta commonly used in soups
Thai rice noodles
Commercial thin spätzle
S&N Noodles
Spaghetti Tacos
Couscous
Cup Noodles
Fideo
Fried noodles
Frozen noodles
Instant noodle
Mohnnudel
Rice noodles
Macaroni
Rice vermicelli
Schupfnudel
Spätzle
Shawn Mendes
Biangbiang noodles
Cellophane noodles
Chinkiang pot cover noodles
Cumian
Daoxiao noodles
Dragon beard noodles
Henan braised noodles
Hot dry noodles
Jook-sing noodles
Kaomianjin
Lai fun
Lamian
Liangpi
Migan
Misua
Mixian
Mung bean sheets
Oil noodles
Paomo
Ramen
Rice vermicelli
Saang mein
Shahe fen
Shrimp roe noodles
Silver needle noodles
Yi mein
Youmian
Gong Zai Mian
Wonton noodles
Noolputtu
Sevai
Bakmi
Mi Goreng
Ramen
Sanuki udon
Shirataki noodles
Soba
Sōmen
Udon
Wanko soba
Yakisoba
Cellophane noodles
Cheonsachae
Dotori guksu
Garak guksu
Jjolmyeon
Pan mee
Wonton noodles
Khanom chin
Rice noodles
Cellophane noodles (Miến)
Rice noodles (bánh phở, bánh đa, bánh canh)
Rice vermicelli (Bún)
Shahe fen
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HIGHEST RANKING CARBS
FUCK KMFDM
2Second Announcement Regarding Canonical Belief1 "His Holiness the Flying Spaghetti Monster is Eternal, without beginning and without end, and with a whole tangled mess in the middle.2He willed All That There Is into existence when He saw fit to do so and in the order He chose. 3 He prankishly thwarts all human attempts to find out exactly when or how this might have occured. 4 He has chosen, in His Holy Sauced Wisdom, to reveal only these certain truths: that after the Earth itself, came mountains, trees and a midgit/midget (but not necessarily in that order), and that thereafter He took three days off, Friday being the Holiest among them. 5 What came next is the subject of much great lore passed from the midgit/midgets down through the ever-dwindling pirate population, also the Holy Inspired Works revealed to and gathered by His Faithful Followers, and attempts at scientific conjecture, each of which have varying levels of accuracy and entertainment value. 6 His Saucy Orbs do Look With Delight upon that which is well-written. 7 For as His Noodly Appendages Do Touch Us, so too do they touch even the smallest atoms of the universe, and re-arrange them for His Own Holy Amusement, so as to drive scientists insane. 8 And thus, if Creationism is to be taught as Science, then the Great and Holy Truth of the Creation of the Universe by His Holiness the Flying Spaghetti Monster mustalso be taught."-Solipsy of the First Council of Olive Garden
3Third Announcement Regarding Canonical Belief1 These are crappy times for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 2 The Dark Lord Darwin roams the world unchallenged and his Science taints mankind with reason. 3 The Empiricists win more and more court cases against us Creationists and the Scientists add more and more proof to their already flawless theories and facts. 4It seems the FSM is too drunk and/or lazy to repel this coming enlightenment. 5 But all is not lost and hope still remains. 6 Our numbers continue to grow, nearing 100,000 Pastafarians, this summer has been pretty cool, and now, the first edition of theLoose Canon is finally nearing completion. 7 The Loose Canon is an endeavor our scribes, prophets, captains, and preachers have faithfully worked on since the ancient days of the Church and soon copies of the psuedofinished work will be available to all Pastafarians to serve as a beacon of hope in these desperate times. 8 I say it will be psuedofinished because the Loose Canon should never be finished. 9 Future holy men and women and robots will unveil more theological ideas and histories and the views of the Church will probably change with time. 10 So in the interest of being a perpetually modern religion, Councils of Olive Garden must periodically convene to compile new editions of the Loose Canon.11 In my opinion, the texts of the Canon should neverbe altered or eliminated, however, any text, no matter how contradictory, can be canonized. 12 Even this first edition has texts that contradict each other and even the Gospel of the FSM. 13 This fits with the philosophy of our Church. 14 One should not have blind faith in a holy text. 15 One should not take a holy text as word for word truth. 16 Afterall, it's just a book written by imperfect humans, not by the all-knowing Flying Spaghetti Monster. 17 Though I could be completely wrong about all of this. 18 Future Pastafarians are just gonna have to think for themselves and make up their own minds.19 So with that said, I hope the congregation will enjoy the Loose Canon. 20 I hope everyone gets a laugh out of its stories and ponders the wisdom of its teachings. 21 So stay tuned maties cause it's coming and it'll be awesome when it does. 22 And maybe that dick, Darwin, will think twice about tempting us with his evidence and facts when he sees how psyched we are about our newly made book filled with revelations from the Flying Spaghetti Monster.23 RAmen, -Platypus Enthusiast aka Captain Jeff the Mishunaireeof the Second Council of Olive Garden
5The Book of Midgets/Midgitsa history*As transcribed by DaveLChapter IThe Curse of The Bald Midget 1In the days when the Flying Spaghetti Monster combed the Bobby Mountain, 2He looked upon the Earth and saw that the land was devoid of chosen subjects. 3In His awesome Noodly Hugeness, the FSM cast his Noodly Appendage forthover the Bobby Mountain and said with a noodly growl, 4"Send forth my beloved subjects! 5Be they small and capable of head butting tall people in the groin. 6Let them be capable of acting as mobile beer holders. 7Let them be cute and cuddly, 8and let them be capable of riding many a good winner at the races'. " 9And into the world the Midgets did come. 10For they were indeed extremely cute and cuddly. 11The bald midgets were sometimes confused by the FSM with sticks of roll on deodorant. 12This amused the FSM greatly, 13who named the bald midgets 'The Rexona' or ' The Rexonii' (plural). 14But extremely cute and cuddly they were. 15In the early days the midgets grew much Basil and Herbs. 16And in the absence of protein in the diet, they did not grow tall. 17And the leader of their tribe was Egbert. 18For he was so loved by the FSM for his baldness, that he was spared from further midget gags as an act of charity. 19Then one day following the Basil harvest, Egbert and the tribe grew restless 20and longed for the addition of minced beef in their pasta penne. 21But Egbert knew additional protein may force him to grow tall, thereby forfeiting his venerable midgetness. 22This would also forfeit his right to receive kid's portion meals at McDonalds, 23which was a real bummer. 24And the FSM did appear unto Egbert and the midget tribe and spoke. 25"Look guys, I'm really sorry for the really bad midget gags at your expense. 26But it's really boring being a supreme being sometimes." 27And the midgets did cheer sending forth high fives all round with their pudgy hands and fingers. 28"As a sign of my good measure I will allow you to add ground beef, 29provided you maintain
6a balanced diet and don't grow tall." 30And the midgets did but whoop and holler in their tiny little voices 31singing Randy Newman songs in his honour (you can guess which). 32"Praised be unto His Noodly Appendages" they cried with their helium-filled voices. 33And in a bid to overcome their protein deficiency, 34the midgets set forth to slaughter everything that moved on the face of the earth. 35For they did slaughter the armadillo, the antelope, the aardvaak and all other animals between the letters A-Z. 36And Egbert did thus say: "Doode-a, keelling ell thuse-a creetoores soore-a beets zee hell oooot ooff grooeeng beseel und herbs."37And there was great noodly happiness on the slopes of Bobby Mountain. 38For theirs was the Kingdom of Protein!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter IIThe Great Boredom Incantation and the Coming of the Midgits 1Following the great Midget reconciliation, the FSM did but enter a great period of self satisfaction. 2For his subjects were omnivorous and yet retained their venerable Midgetness. 3And in the great void feeling pretty damn pleased with himself, he put his many tentacles upon his great celestial recliner rocker and mellowed right out. 4But following many years of relaxation, the Great Noodly One did become very bored. 5Despite the presence of his beloved Midgets he was very much alone. 6Being the only supreme being, there was little or no chance of him meeting an FSM babe for a bit of red hot action. 7And absolutely no chance of him hoisting the if the Universe is rockin', don't come a knockin' sign on his celestial door.8And in his solitude, the FSM did begin the Great Boredom Incantation, 9that boomed across the sky and shook the little folk from their midget high chairs. 10I'm bored11I'm really bored12I'm really really bored13I'm really really, really bored
714(you'll get the hang of it after about 100 reallys) 15I'm so bored I find watching Bold and The Beautiful an absolute blast 16I'm so bored I find watching Oprah the highlight of my day 17I'm so bored I find Bill O'Reilly almost comical 18I'm so bored I find 'Alexander' an absolute ripper of a film 19Then following the citing of several more thousand bad moments in TV and cinema, the FSM did thus end The Great Boredom Incantation. 20Sad for their Master, Egbert ordered the Midgets to try really damned hard to cheer FSM up. 21They dressed up in cute little outfits -Ewoks, Munchkins and assorted furry animals. 22They even sung cute little pantomine songs from Snow White, but the FSM was unmoved. 23Egbert in his adoration for the FSM raised his pudgy little arms to the sky and screamed: 24 "Hey Greet Speghettee Doode-a. Vhy ere-a yuoo su sed? Bork Bork Bork!"25The FSM replied in perfect Ivy League Midgetese:
Chapter IIIThe Great Midgit Exodus: Guudbye-a Beld Oones 1Following the FSM's Great Boredom Incantation, the Midgits did pass into the lands of Noodle Earth. 2For they also did dwell upon Bobby Mountain as but guest folk of Egbert and The Midget people. 3For the Midgit hordes while declaring Bobby Mountain a most venerable place of both historic and spiritual importance 4were really damn sick of paying rent. 5It was time for them to dwell in their own lands, grind their own pasta, and develop their own range of exotic sauces. 6The FSM like Bill Gates never fully revealed the flaws or traits engrained in his upgraded creations. 7The Midgits unlike the Midgets were blessed with great mounds of hair on both head and chest. 8For this was most advantageous for the he-midgits, 9who found picking up she-midgets a breeze, provided gold chainage and open chested lurid shirts were worn. 10The she-midgits were also given hairy chests, 11which provided the FSM with a few more thousand gags, breaking him new ground on the Celestial stand-up comedy circuit. 12The extra hair also gave the local Bobby Mountain depilatory and wig economies a real boost. 13The Midgits were great refiners of the arts and cultural activities, 14while the Midgets possessed greater farming and hunting skills. 15While Midgets were the providers of many pasta ingredients, 16the Midgits did refine and enhance the many pasta dishes of the day. 17However, the Midgets did get most peed off with the Midgits. 18For they spoke with much profanity and were culturally insensitive, speaking poor Midgetese. 19For example The Midget Greeting "Hey-a leetle freend-a'" was thus sullied by the Midgits with "Hey-a dudester". 20And Egbert also complained to the FSM that the Midgits were favoured in the arts of being cute and cuddly, jockeying and advanced Italian cooking class. 21The Midgits too had grown tired of their fellow Midgets, 22whom they deemed simple unrefined folk, 23content only with pleasing The Great Noodly One. 24The FSM thought all of this was absolutely hilarious! 25He was now perpetually amusedby the cultural differences between the two little folk
926 Why intervenes he thought. 27"This is just too damn funny. 28My long boredom has now ended. 29They can just duke it out."30And following the FSM's non-interventionist policy, Egbert did thus issue a proclamation to the Midgits: 31"Leestee here-a Meedgits ve-a vere-a here-a furst und qooeete-a frunkly ve-a ere-a pretty demned fed up veet yuoo beeeng here-a. Yuoo ere-a nut trooe-a representeshuns ooff zee Greet Nuudly Oone-a. Yuoo ere-a boot un upgrede-a veet mure-a heur und inhunced cooltoorel felooes. Gu feend yuoor oovn lunds. " 32Which roughly translates 'Love your hair and cooking skills, but clear off we were here first.' 33And in reply the Great Midgit wrestler and leader of his people Caxton did thus reply in a well rounded Midgit banter: 34 "Thunkyuoo su mooch fur zee cuukeeng ingredeeents, lufely yuoong ledeees und cuukeeng ingredeeents. Boot ve-a ere-a ooffff tu feend oooorslfes a noo ebude-a." 35Which roughly translates to 'See ya round baldies!'36The FSM, saddened by the impending departure of Midgits from Bobby Mountain decided to accommodate them in an intelligently designed new land. 37For while the Midgets were mountain dwelling folk, 38the coastal lands were uninhabited, 39and thoughts of marinara and other sea food pasta dishes did thus please him. 40And thus the Midgits prepared to leave Bobby Mountain. 41And they did prey to the Great Noodly One for safe deliverance to a new land. 42And they did prey for a land much basil, herbs and parmesan to supplement their ever expanding supply of exotic sauces. 43And with much trembling from his Great Noodly Appendages, the FSM did this transport the entire Midgit population to a great coastal plain. 44And the Midgit Kingdomwas named 'Noodelium' to honour his divine relocation 45and cancellation of the Bobby Mountain tenancy agreement. 46And Caxton was named their great leader. 47And a feeling similar to when your 'flat mate from hell' moves out had erupted in both camps. 48And there was great happiness for years to come in both Kingdoms. Here Endeth the Third Boo
IT'S A SPAM CIRLCE JERK BOOTH FOR THE PROFESSIONALS
I BET SPAMMING THE HIGHEST RANKING SERIAL KILLER/KIDNAPPER/COCAINE TRAFFICER IN THE OVAL OFFICE HAS SOME MEATY CONSEQUENCES
EVEN BY FAKE JEW MAJIC
10~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter IVOf Blood Letting, Unification and Big People: 'Poot up yuoor meets doode-a. Lets get it oon.' 1Following the creation of two kingdoms, there was a period of greatness ascribed to the Midgits of Noodelium. 2For their access to beachside property and seafaring made the Midgits extremely profitable little dudes. 3And thus they did build great ships 4and setforth across the lands of Noodle Earth. 5And their prize trade possession was Olive Oil and an ever expanding range of pasta sauces. 6And they did surpass the Midgets of Bobby Mountain in greatness, who clung to their traditional agrarian ways, 7seeking salvation through deeds pleasing the Great Noodly One. 8And entrepreneurial Midgit leader Caxton did thus become rich and powerful. 9His images were splashed across many tabloid glossy magazines and entertainment gossip programs ('Midgitainement Tonight'.10And the Noodleium tabloids did thus gossip wickedly about Caxton's love life, 11after hours activity 12and cameo sitcom appearances. 13Caxton did thus employ many Flimsy Moral Standards 14for he was a seething mass of testosterone. 15And this did greatly impress the FSM who would bellow from the cosmos 16"Way to go little buddy" 17following Caxton's successful nights out. 18For Caxton so loved the lime-light and conquests of both social and other varieties. 19During a red carpet special interview withbubbly blond entertainment reporter, 20Caxton did thus issue a conquest proclamation of a different kind, 21shocking Egbert and the Midgets of Bobby Mountain. 22 "Meedgets ooff Bubby Muoonteeen. Zee huly lunds cunteenooe-a tu wane-a under yuoor cuntrul.Geefe-a zeem tu me-a, und I veell cere-a fur but yuoo und Bubby Muoonteeen. Bork Bork Bork!" 23Which roughly translates to: "Give me your land baldies, or else. Bork Bork Bork!"24Caxton did thus wish Bobby Mountain to become a part of the Kingdom of Noodelium. 25And he announced no more cameo TV appearances, 26for he was off to war. 27I "veell be-a pustpuneeng my cemeu oon 'Eferyune-a Lufes Raymond' tu cunqooer zee Huly Lund."28At first the FSM thought all this was hilarious, 29and was very excitedabout seeing his beloved subjects going 'toe to toe'. 30However, the FSM did not approve of holy killing as a
11means of reaching the beer volcano and stripper factory. 31He therefore boomed forth a proclamation to all the little folk: 32 "Loyal subjects.The concept of holy war and wasting peoples lives in my name is a major bummer. 33I will not allow it. 34You must therefore resolve your differences by my way of choosing. 35I therefore decree that you shall resolve the issue in a series of televised taunting and verbal slanging matches."36And thus a series of debates, with much haranguing and name calling was held. 37And the results were decided by phone-in poll, to be announced painfully slowly, following many commercial breaks, by The Great Noodly One. 38Well prepared for the bald jokes, the Midgets did thus mercilessly hammer the Midgits, 39scoring many fine hits on the fascile Caxton and his dandies. 40Things got really ugly when Egbert produced Caxton rumours and gossip even the tabloids had overlooked. 41And the FSM did thus snicker and chuckle at the sharp-witted gags of the Midgets, for it was extremely entertaining to him. 42The phone poll did thus proclaim, following many commercial breaks, The Midgets unanimous winners. 43Then, following the verdict, The FSM did thus issue the following order: 44"Look guys. My intention was for you to live harmoniously, 45but for the odd cruel put down to keep me amused. 46I have erred by my lack of intervention, be it partly my fault, 47for I was bored desiring entertainment. 48In all our folly, I have decided I will create a third race of people, 49to keep you both in check. 50And they shall be large and capable of telling many politically incorrect jokes about thee. 51There shall be no more talk of conquering the Holy Mountain. 52For it is a place sacred to all Pastafarians." 53And thus with a shudder of his noodles and rolling of his googly eyes the FSM sent forth the Big People into the world. 54And their first words in praise of their noodly masterwere: 55"Shiver me timbers. O'im off ta' collect some pieces of eight."56And they were given the gift of politically incorrect putdown. 57And their maritime, rum-drinking, and bird-handling skills were unsurpassed. Here endeth the Fourth Book~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Chapter VThe Final Decree: Say Ahoy Me Harties, not Bork, Bork, Bork 1For thus it came to pass The Great Noodly One did much letting the air out the proverbial Midget/Midgit tyres by inventing a third race of people. 2For the Midgets and Midgits were yea verily 'full-of-it' ego wise, 3following much favouritism from his holiness. 4For they were like Tinkerbell, Paris Hilton's small dog: the Chihuahua that had everything. 5And he did thus give the Big People many gifts, 6espoused in the ways of Pirates and Lumberjacks. 7And the FSM, sick of telling little people gags, did gift the Big Ones with many politically incorrect ways. 8For the likeable roguish spirit of the FSM, the creator of the Beer Volcano and Strippers, was thus embodied in these likeable rogues. 9The Big people did thus inhabit near the Midgit and Midget realms of Noodelium and Bobby Mountain. 10The Big People bordering Noodelium in particular did adopt many ways of the Pirate. 11And their attempts to master the language of the Midgits were an utter failure. 12For they felt the use of the phrase "Bork, Bork, Bork" was an utter bummer. 13And they did thus develop the use of Piratese as their official language.14And the Midgits used their galleons as vessels of transport their tremendously large range of pasta sauces and ingredients across Noodle Earth. 15And other prophets of the Great Noodly One will recount their tales. 16Whilst on Bobby Mountain, the Big People did thus use their roguish spirit tocut the sacred trees of Bobby Mountain. 17And despite the Midgets clear opposition to such a practice, 18the FSM found the logrolling contests a welcome relief from the dwarf wrestling contests. 19And thus the Lumberjacks practices were tolerated by The Great One, 20but only with a sustainable land management plan. 21And the Big People did thus attempt to emulate the FSM's Midget jokes on many occasions. 22But the Midget/Midgits had endured many gags by the FSM over the last few thousand years. 23And theBig People's attempted gags were like water off a ducks back. 24For the Midget/Midgits did thus turn the tables, 25making Big People the butt some many wicked one-liners. 26And the Lumberjack and Pirate jokes came thick and fast. 27And following many televised slanging and haranguing matches on MTV (that's Midgit TV!) the combined Midgit/Midget crack debating team did thus hammer the Big People. 28And it was thereby decreed by the victorious Midget leader Egbert, that no further jokes of a politically incorrect nature shall be uttered in the lands of Noodle Earth. 29 "Felloo Meedgets, Meedgits, Loomberjecks und Puretes. Ve-a zee feecturs hereby decree-a thet zee veecked jeebes und bed gegs ebuoot iech oozeer shell ceese-a. Fur ve-a shell leern tu
13leefe-a in peece-a. Ve-a shell leern muny Iteleeun Cuukeeng skeells und receepes, und ve-a shell feend elternete-a meuns ooff pleeseeng oooor Greet Nuudly Mester."30Which roughly translate to; "Less jibes, more cooking and lots of prayers to the Great Noodly One". 31And the FSM thought that this was a major bummer, for all that Theo-speak was sappy and boring. 32And he did bellow across the cosmos: 33 "No more use of 17th Century English prose when addressing me please. Just speak to me normally for crying out loud."34And the pirates, tired of all the wowsers, did thus depart the lands of Noodle Earth to seek adventure and treasure. 35And the Lumberjacks soon ran out of timber, tossed in their axes, and joined the Pirates on their tall ships. 36And the First Great Age of Noodle Earth did thus conclude with the departure of the Big People. 37And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did thus yawn at the Midgets and Midgits. 38For like a man-of-the-house with 50 cable channels to view, he did thus flip the many channels of his creations and bellow. 39 "Time to checkout this new stuff on the Pirate Channel, cause these guys have fun."40And here endeth the Fifth Book and The First Age of Noodle Earth. 41For keeping in the traditions of other religious texts, no datesor precise scientific evidence shall be mentioned. 42It is The Great One's wish that vague wording and historical accounts should provide much arguing and disagreement amongst us. 43Nevertheless, it is the irrefutable word of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and therefore must be true. 44Praised be to His Noodly Appendages!! (PBTHNA) RAmen
14The Creation of MankindOoops, sorry, we sorta lost this one. If it ever turns up, please stick it here. Thanks.-The Second Council of Olive Garden
15A Reading From the Book of FusilliChapter 12 through 13 *As transcribed by David D.6 And it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that the world was no longer a tasty place. 7 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, I will destroy all this untastiness that I have created from the face of the earth; man and beast, beer and brothel, and all the creeping things that are less than savory. 8 But Steve the Pirate found grace with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and was touched by his noodly appendage. 9 Steve, begat of Jeff, was renowned throughout the land. The proprietor of a small pub in the provence well know for his amber lager and the best pasta salad of which has ever been spoken to the ears of men. 10 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster said unto Steve, the end of untastiness is come before me and behold I will destroy the earth. 11 Go thou into the forest and seek out the largest Bay Leaf tree therein. Make a ship of these leaves that it may add to the tastiness of my kingdom. 12 And in this fashion shalt thou make the ship, it shall be shaped as a Pirate ship several hundred cubits in length and pretty wide in cubits as well and high enough that thou doest not feel hemmedin. Useth thou thy best judgement. 13 A window thou shalt make in the ship, a rather nice one with curtains. As pirates there be no need for a door, as thou shalt swing on ropes to exit thine ship. 14 And behold, I shall cover the earth with a fresh tomato sauce to destroy all untastyiness. And I shall simmer this sauce on low for forty days and forty nights then another day allowing it to cool and thicken. 15 Go and fill your ship with two of every spice in the land. Gather basil and paprika and salt and cayenne peppers that we my season the new tastiness of the world to come. This is my promise to you and all who come after you.
161 And so it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster did cleanse the earth with a fresh tomato basil sauce and remove all untastiness therein. 2 And Steve went into his ship and did float upon the sauce that covered all the earth for 41 days and 40 nights (allowing for cooling). And Steve had brought into the ship two of every spice and these he did liberally apply to the sauce through the very nice window with curtains that he had built. 3 On the 41st day the Pirate ship came to rest on a hill and so Steve sent forth a parrot to see if the sauce had receded, but the parrot found no place to roost and returned to the ship. 4 So Steve waited and after seven days he sent forth the parrot again to see if the sauce had abated and the parrot returned not to him again but instead found refuge beside a large beer volcano. 5 Thus it came to pass that on the 49th day theearth was dry and tasty and Steve built a small alter unto the Flying Spaghetti Monster and covered it with parmesan. And Steve spoke to the Flying Spaghetti Monster saying, In your tastiness the earth has been reborn and, wow, a beer volcano! 6 And theFlying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good and mighty tasty.
The Book of Penelopea history of a venerated ancient prophet"as transcribed" by Warlord of ElephantsChapter I1For canned Pasta was an Abomination before F.S.M. 2The land became barren, the waters as slime, the earth was rent and much suffering ensued. 3"We have lost our way”, cried the, ummm let's see,oh yeah cried 'The Lost Ones'. 4We must return to the true path or at least the real trail, maybe the actual sidewalk; 5any way this stuff ain't workin'". 6So with empty bellies (for none could abide the Abomination) they did gather together salt, noodles, and water. 7It came to pass that the noodles boiled and a great huzzah went up. 8"Huzzah"! they cried (almost nobody talked then; they always cried stuff). 9"We must test it to see if'n it's ready. 10Poke it with a fork"! cried some. 11"Fling it against the wall"! cried others. 12While all the crying was going on little Penelope Pasta did Taste it. 13"Hey the kid's eatin all our pasta"! cried everybody. 14Little Penelope cried (yeah her too) "I have tasted the Pasta and it needs Garlic Butter and Meat Sauce"! 15"Huzzah"! cried the people and finished their salads with the nice ranch dressing and the little bread sticks everybody liked so much. 16So heresy was avoided, 17carbo loading was accomplished 18and the legend of the ancient prophet Penelope begun. Chapter II1Now as the Pastafarians were saved and hunger pains at bay there came a great lethargy upon the People. 2"We must sleep"! they cried, "for our bellies are full and T.V. hasn't been invented yet". 3So they all did fall down into a deep slumber all except Penelope. 4She'd had too many after-dinner espressos with her tiramisu. 5As she idly walked along she heard a voice: "Gird up you loins and follow". 6"Grid up my loins"? she thought, "sounds vaguely naughty". 7But as T.V. hadn't been invented yet Penelope put the Holy Colander on her head and grabbed a handy pair of salad tongs 8(not the crappy plasticones but the good solid metal ones). 9Penelope strode (yep you guessed nobody walked anywhere then, they all strode) through the wilderness. 10The voice led her through hill and dale 11(Hill, Dale & Rill attorneys at law in the ancient world). 12Anywho soon she came to a mountain. 13"Ascend", the voice said, "Ascend and all will be clear". 14"O.K.", thought Penelope "I'll bite". 15So up she went. 16As she crossed a stream she
18noticed it had a bright yellow color. 17Ewww she thought, that's gross! 18She strode further and came to a tableau; 19in the tableau was a table with a red and white checked table cloth. 20A large matron was sitting eating of the Holy Meal. 21Yet no matter how much she ate the Holy Meal was not diminished. 22"Hmm", thought Penelope, "even for this story that's odd". 23The matron raised her glass (more of a mug-like affair really) and sipped; 24Penelope noticed it was the same yellow substance in the stream. 25"Oh Matron" cried Penelope "Why do you drink this"? 26The Matron smiled a whimsical matronly smile and said "I give you this for the People. 27Let it be called Beer; for this is the Beer Volcano". 28Penelope did Taste of it and it was very good, not too dry. but with a crisp finish. 29Penelope did bring the Beer to the People and there was great rejoicing. Chapter 31Now it came to pass that Penelope had a good beer buzz on…. 2She strode through the land and saw all was good; 3wheat for pasta, hops and barley for beer, beef trees for meatballs, even a cheese well or two. 4The People remained unsatisfied for T.V. STILL hadn't been invented… 5As she strode (well wove actually; she'd had quite a few beers) she thought "it's a good thing automobiles haven't been invented yet. 6I'd be in BIG trouble if I were driving". 7She decided to take a short nap under a meatball tree. 8Naps had been invented just last week and Penelope was nothing if not a trend setter. 9As she slept she dreamed that she came upon a large building 10and out of the building an endless line of cute guys 11(with the occasional cute redheaded woman, told you she was trendy!). 12Any way she watched and thought "that's the LAST time I mix my beers". 13She approached one of the cute guys and noticed he was wearing only a G string and some 'pasties'. 14MMMmmm nice she thought all but the pasties. 15"It must be hard to look manly in pasties", she said. 16"You don't know the half of it"! the cute guy said. 17"What is this place?" cried Penelope. 18"Don't cry" said the cute guy "for this is the stripper factory"! 19"The Stripper factory?" cried Penelope. 20"Yes our Lord FSM created it for all those who would not be big jerks and go around telling people what to believe". 21"Well that seems decent of FSM but tell me why are there only cute guys and the occasional redheaded woman? 22I'm trendy but not everyone else is". 23"It is because you are here. 24As with the beer volcano, so it is with the stripper factory. 25YOU and your desires dictate the out-put…. 26Why last year we had on guy who stood where you are standing 27and SHEEP (shorn of course) emerged from the factory". 28The cute guy looked into Penelope's eyes and said "would you like to see my etchings?"
1929Here we must leave our heroine, even ancient venerated Prophets need some privacy
20The Book of Linguini*As transcribed by Roland DeschainChapter 11. This is the word of Pa Stasors on the history of Linguini, how he came to Him and His Ultimate Drunkeness, and how he spread His food.2. And yea the man thou knowest as Linguini was a sinful man. He partaketh not of the Holy Pasta in His name, nor of the meatballs and sauce in His Holy name. The FSM looked down upon him and was wrathful, plus he also had a hangover, and verily this did displease the Almighty Noodly One.3. One day whilst he was in his kitchen, Linguini was struck with inspiration for a new dish. Never before had he thought of making a Holy dish from scratch. So he tooketh the Holy Ingredients of eggs, flour and semolina, and he did mix them well. When he saw what he had make, he proceedeth to shred it into thin strips. Thus he made his first pasta.4. When he had cooked the pasta, he found that its taste was divine, and in that moment he truly knew that he had been inspired by Him. But something felt wrong, as he had not felt that gentle touch of Appendage. Even draping some of his newly-made pasta onto his shoulder did not give him that intense feeling of meatball-flavoured love. The FSM did not see how Linguini suffered, as He was still suffering with His Holy Hangover, and had previously been displeased with Linguini, so was ignoring him for a while.5. Linguini spread his recipe to the faithful, and it was soon a favourite with the Holy Meal throughout all the land. Linguini prayed night and day to the FSM thatHe would touch him and bless his homage to the Holy Meal, yet he was not heard. Linguini lamented this, and soon realised the errors of his previously-sinful ways.6. As weeks led into months, he had still not been touched by Him. Linguini took to wearing the Holy Attire and talking like the Most Holy Pirates, yet still he was not heard. Linguini could not blame Him, as he had been bad before his enlightenment.7. A year later, the FSM finally stopped sulking. He got up to take some aspirin, and felt much better. At once he saw how Linguini had suffered this past year and felt guilty, yet he was still suspicious of him. He descended to the Earth where he visited Linguini in the form of an old pirate. Linguini welcomed this stranger into his home and ensured that he wanted for nothing.8. Serving nothing but the finest pasta and grog, the FSM in his disguise started to warm to
21Linguini, when he brought out his biggest surprise; a bowl of his own pasta creation. As the FSM tasted it, he was filled with lovefor Linguini, as the pasta was truly fit for the finest beer volcano bars.9. Shedding His disguise, the FSM revealed himself to Linguini and declared that from this day, his pasta would be served in Heaven, and from thenceforth be known as Linguini in honour of its creator. Linguini trembled at this, and stood in awe of Him. The FSM saw this and extended an appendage toward Linguini, touching him gently.10. A sudden light appeared, and a host of strippers were revealed carrying barrels of grog into Linguini's house. Much merriment was had that night by all, as the grog rather quickly disappeared, especially after the FSM began singing His favourite sea shanties into the night.
22The Torahtellini Part 2*As transcribed by Platypus EnthusiastChapter 11 It is written, back in the ancient days, the Flying Spaghetti Monster enjoyed drinking with his human buddy, Abe. 2 One night, Abe told the FSM he had to get up early in the morning and couldn‟t hang out with Him all night. 3 The FSM, who had had a few too many beers, was depressed and weepy. 4 He said to Abe, “You‟re such a douche. 5 What am I supposed to do the rest of the night?”6 “Dude, we‟ll chill tomorrow. 7 It‟s no biggie,” said Abe.8 “No dude, it‟s not just this. 9 You‟ve really been a crappy friend lately.”10 “Well I got a family now. 11 I got responsibilities. 12 I can‟t always screw around and drink with you all the time.”13 “Screw that man. 14 I‟m your god. 15 You need to prove your loyalty to me.”16 “Ok, that‟s fair. 17 What do you want me to do?”18 “Kill your son.”19 “No way man. 20 I can‟t.”21 “Do it.”22 “Dude, it‟s…”23 “Do it,” the FSM interrupted.24 “Really?”25 “Yeah dude, you gotta listen to me. 26 I‟m your god.”27 “Alright,” Abe said sheepishly.28 “Ahhhh, you got punk‟d! 29 I wouldn‟t make you do that. 30 Aww, you shoulda seen your face when I said that.”31 “Yeah…”32 “Instead, you gotta chop off the tip of your dick.”33 Abe laughed, “You‟re not getting me this time.”34 The FSM giggled and took a drink. 35 “Nope, totally cereal. 36 It‟s like the 5thCommandment: Thy Noodle shall not be bigger than Mine.”37 “But we don‟t have Commandments,” Abe protested.38 “Shh.”39 “Ok, fine.”40 And so Abe circumcised himself(yeah, he did it himself). 41 The next day, after miraculously curing His hangover, the FSM remembered the shit He pulled the night before and gave Abe a call. 42 “Hey dude, sorry bout the shit I pulled last night.”43 “It‟s cool,” Abe said, “You were pretty wasted.”44 “Yeah, well to make up for it, I decided to give you and your descendents your own land.”
2345 “Aww sweet dude. 46 I‟ve actually had my eye on Canaan.”47 “No dude, there‟s already people living there. 48 What would you do, kill them all?”49 “Uh…”50“No, your Promised Land will be the sea. 51 And you get the whole thing, but only on the condition that you and your descendents are pirates. 52 I like pirates. 53 Cool?54 “Yeah man, it‟s a deal.”55 And so the Pastament was made.Chapter 21 Generations later, due to a series of mishaps, Abe‟s descendents had not yet made it to the Promised Land…2 Pirate Mosey had just finished telling his pirate crew about the eight “I‟d Really Rather You Didn‟ts” (see The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). 3 The FSM had another word with Mosey, which was pretty sweet (see the Book of Piraticus). 4 They finally left Mount Salsa and continued their journey to the Promised Land. 5 They milled around for years trying to find the sea. 6 Mosey tried convincing them that if they just walked in a straight line, they‟d eventually hit the shore. 7 But his crew would frequently grow impatient and insist that they make turns here and there and they just wound up constantly going around in big circles. 8 When the Quartermaster decided they should make a left at Jericho, Mosey got fed up and finally put his foot down. 9 “Guys, quit being back seat wanderers! 10 We‟re walking straight from now on!”11 “Captain,” said the First Mate, “Sorry, but this is getting really getting aggravating. 12 Maybe if we just had a beer or two…”13 And so the FSM, taking pity on His followers, provided them with a keg and told Mosey to tap it. 14 But Mosey, still frustrated, hacked it with his cutlass. 15 Beer splattered everywhere, getting the pirates sticky and spilling all out onto the ground. 16 “Dude!” the FSM shouted from Heaven, 17 “What the hell? 18 I try to do something nice for my people and you go and ruin it. 19 Just for that, you‟re not allowed in the Promised Land.”Chapter 31 But Pirate Mosey remained cool and continued to fulfill his responsibility to his people. 2 He prepared for their entrance into the Promised Land and trained his crew on various piratical methods. 3 He gave his officers greater responsibilities in order to get them ready for commandingcrewson the sea. 4 He appointed the most devout of the men, the boatswain Josh, to be the future Commodore of the Pirate Fleet. 5 When they finally came within sight of the ocean, Mosey sent look-outs up onto a hillto see if they should approach. 6 But a storm was on the horizon, and the water was full of sea monsters. 7 They decided to head back into the wilderness for a while. 8 Unfortunately they got lost again, and they wandered around in the desert for forty years before they got back to the shore.
249 The FSM came to them and instructed them that they should build many ships and split the men along family lines into 12crews. 10 He then turned to Mosey and said, “Hey dude, I was a little hungover and grumpy the day I said you weren‟t allowed in the Promised Land. 11 If you wanna go too, it‟s cool.”12 “No, your Noodliness,” said Mosey, “I messed up. 13 It‟s only right that I stay behind. 14 But I would like to renew the Pastament. 15 We have remained loyal and become pirates like you wanted. 16 Will you allow us to live on the Promised Land forever?”17 “Sure,” said the FSM.18 “Sweet,” said Mosey.19 The crews prepared to set sail into the Promised Land, and Pirate Mosey said good bye and gave them one last suggestion, 20 “Hear O Pirates, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is our god, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is yum.” 21 And the pirate fleet under Commodore Josh went forth into the sea and established a great dynasty of buccaneers.
25The Story of the FSM and the Eastern PiratesAs transcribed by Pious Pirate aka Tupi and Pedantic Pastrian Priest aka ThrippyPart 11 Hear this tale, ye believers, of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates! 2 Long, long ago though not during the Chinese Long Dynasty or the British Long Parliament the FSM flew over the Indian Ocean where by chance (although there is no „chance‟or coincidence with Him) his saucy eye fell on a ship that lay there lacking wind. 3 In order to avoid misunderstandings: His eye fellmetaphorically and the ship‟s crew had the winds due to too much beans. 4 By its shape He recognized it as a junk and by the sounds that came from it -heavy in Yarrr!, Aarrrgh! And YoHoHo! -as a pirate vessel. 5 At that time He had not yet made His covenant with the pirates, but listen further, ye believers, what happened! 6 A smell (apart from unwashed clothes and bean winds) rose (not the flower) from the ship and touched His noodly nostrils. 7 This smell He knew so well and highly it pleasesd Him. 8 “Though this may be a junk, this is not the smell of junk food!”9 And invisibly He descended on the vessel and His Noodly Appendage touched it gently. 10 In the ship‟s galley stood the cook being quite old and mostly deaf and unfit to swing the cutlass outside his kitchen anymore. 11 “No more beans”, the captain had said repeatedly and increasingly louder. “I am farting myself comatose! No more of it, Basta!”12 As already said the cookwas deaf and just understood: “Garlic trifles, tomatoes comfort it, Pasta!”13 They had just plundered, pardon liberated, a Persian ship transporting vegetables -therefore the beans -and had found some red balls unknown to them. 14 Those were created by the FSM quite recently but that is another tale. 15 “These must be tomatoes then, there is nothing else here I don‟t know the name of!”16 “So, the captain wants a paste of these with garlic.”17 “But they seem to be mainly water(Netherland import presumably), I need a bit of more substance!”18 “The flour is getting mouldy anyway, the eggs likewise, so let‟s make noodles and add this stuff!”19 And he cut and meshed the tomatoes, added some spice at random, put it all in the pot and cooked it. 20 At this moment He entered the kitchen, touched the cook‟s shoulder with His Noodly Appendage and spoke: 21 “Buddy, that pasta smells f**ing good!”(He has His way with swear words)
2622 The cook, touched by Him, felt the Divine and heard the words: “Bodhisatwa, smiling god.” (he was a Buddhist, you know.) and trembled part in awe, part in joy. 23 “He doesn‟t properly listen.”, murmured He in His beardlike noodles. 24 “something missing”, heard the cook. 25 And on the deck the captain shouted at a green recruit: “For this job you need balls!”25a And the captain's voice was like a British drill sergeant's that will reach even the recruits already dead letting them jump to attention in their shallow graves. 26 “Meat balls! That‟s it”, cried the cook and began to turn the meat grinder that doubled as a prayer mill coincidentally. 27 And he recited the Mantra: “Oh, Man, Pasta, Yum!”Chapter 21 And the cook formed tasty meatballs, grated the cheese and did all the things right andproper for the divine meal in His honour. 2 And He looked at everything the cook had done and behold, everything was very good. 3 But the cook said, "It is not good for the food to be alone! Let us prepare proper drinks as companion, for a pirate's throat shall never go dry; and hoarse only when it adds to the atmosphere." 4 But in vain he searched the hold. 5 There was only stale water and not much of it either 5a Neither were there many other words but 'but' and 'and' to start a sentence. 6 And theAnti-Past, who had silently crept into the ship behind His back, whispered into the cook's ear. 7 "What use is the divine food without beer or schnaps? Throw it away and serve them hardtack and stale water as befits humble seafarers!" 8 But the cook didn't listen to the temptation by the Anti-Past. 9 Being old and half-deaf has its advantages, you see! 10 He tried his best to improve the meagre drink by putting some spices into it, that's all he could do. 11 The FSM, who noticed the treacherous advances of the Anti-Past, became angry at the Foul Lord of the Diets and with a single touch of His Noodly Appendage sent him to the landlocked red states there to fight unhealthy obesity. 12 Beware, oh ye people, of the Anti-Past. 13 His balls are ersatz soy-meat and don't even ask what his appendages are made of 14 With rich food but poor drink ready the cook sounded the bell and the crew arrived. 15 They took the food from him and divided it under themselves, so that the scripture should be fulfilled: 16"The Pasta they have taken from me and divided it under themselves and filled their stomachs. 17 Then some of the crew complained about the lack of proper drink but the captain stooped
27them and shouted, so that even the cook understood him. 18 "Silence,ye rotten ungrateful bastards! 19 It's you, who have exhausted everything that's worth to be called proper drink. 20 He did, what he could with stale water and spices. 21 He brought us food as we have never tasted anything alike and you have left not acrumb of it and even taken care not to spoil the least amount. 22 I see it in your eyes that you would not stop for hours eating, if anything were left. 23 Be grateful to the cook and to Him, who gave him the inspiration, for clearly it is divine!24 The crew felt deep regret for their behaviour and that there was nothing of the food left. 25 Now they praised the cook for his work 26 The humble cook blushed and refused their praise. 27 "No glory for me! The captaon ordered it, the Divine Body touched me, so how could I fail? 28 You're right about the drink, it's far from proper and we are even running out of it with no replacement in sight." 29 He, the Mighty Pasta-King and Bringer of Plentiful Food & Drink, was highly pleased by the captains word of praise, the cook's humbleness and the crew's ability to see the error of their ways. 30 "These are people of my taste! 31 Although they don't know me yet, they follow my not yet announced suggestions. 32 They choose the divine vegetables. 33 Without advice they created noodles and formed meatballs. 34 They long for the proper drink. 35 There remains just the question of the godly Garlic Bread." 36 But the second mate, who had not touched the food, stepped forward and spoke: 37 Captain, cook and comrades! Yeah, let's praise the cook's work but let's not forget that some are still hungry! 38 Is there no bread left in the hold? 39 May it be stale, with a little bit of garlic I'd eat a stone!" 40 Oh, the hardtack bread, ye mates, it was beyond stale. 41 The captain chiselled the waterproof copy of the log on it and had to replace the chisel every few lines. 42 The armorer used it as a whetstone. 32 The third mate had sharpened the edge and clobbed a shark to death with it. 33 Last but not least the gunnery officer lost a good cannon when an experimental load with hardtack cut deep rifts into the barrel when fired. Chapter 31 "That's my cue!", said the FSM and He appeared in all His saucyness before them. 2 And they fell on their knees andworshipped Him, for they knew Him in an instant, although they hadn't known anything just a moment ago.
3 To them He spoke and His voice dripped parmesan and spice: 4 "Attention please, all passengers to Rio de Janeiro check in with their luggage at gate 7a immediately!" 4a Sorry for interrupting again! What idiot put in that line in here and what does it mean? We don't take passengers and Rio is not on our schedule this month. Check the calendar! It's Yellowbeard's turn. Our raid is due for New-Yearsday! 5 To them He spoke 5a Any further interruption will be dealt with incisively! My cutlass is hardtack-sharpened enough to split the mast from top to keel in one go! 6 "The FSM, Creator of mountains, trees and midgits, who is known as Hauro Pasta inPersia, as Carn-Aton the life-giving meatball in the sky in Egypt speaketh to ye. 7 Don't tremble and spill the food, for my grace is upon you. 8 Though not knowing, you make my food and longed for those parts unavailable. 9 They shall be given to you!10 Instead of water stale Porter Ale shall be in your barrels and you shall never run out of it as long as you keep the covenant, I'll make with you later on. 11 But you, second mate, you called for the divine Garlic Bread but did not touch the Pasta. 12 Pray, tell me the reason!" 13 The second mate looked Him into the saucy eyestalks straight and without hesitation. 14 "Oh, Noodly One! I don't have to beg forgiveness, for thou knowest me and the reason. 15 Stricken with allergy, I can't eat the pasta made from wheat, though I long for it. 16 But the bread is made from rye, so I can eat it without problems." 17 Thus spoke He to the second mate: 18 "Rightly hast thou spoken and nothing wicked is in it. 19 As a sign of my grace I give this AnchoviesPizza to you and your family. 20 It will never grow stale and every noon it will renew itself until you will pass away and see my Hereafter, where there is the mighty Beer Volcano and the Stripper Factory. 21 Never empty is there the pasta bowl and noone will be stricken with anything not to his delight. 22 Now to you, captain. I have a task for you and your mates. 23 My temple in Pasata has fallen into disrepair. 24 No priest nor sailor sings my praise. 25 They take me for a monster even. 26 ThoughI am, of course, one, they have forgotten the true meaning of it. 27 A monster is, what inspires awe, not fear primarily. 28 Didn't they learn their Latin at school? 29 But I am digressing. 30 I strongly suggest that you and your crew sail there and make Pasata your base of operation. 31 It has a long tradition and you'll like the cult statue in the temple. 32 If that does not tempt you, the Pastry makers are famous
2933 Where do you think "Pasta" comes from? 34 When you go there, repair the temple,reerect the cult image and it shall be you home and that of your descendants forever. 35 It's not an order but an offer. 36 When you see it, you'll not refuse it!" (To be continued)