Darwin’s Purge

*As transcribed by Platypus Enthusiast

Chapter 1

1 Decades had passed since the Golden Age of Piracy. 2 Pirates had grown arrogant with the knowledge that they were the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s chosen people. 3 No longer did they bury treasure to keep it from corrupting others with greed, instead keeping the gold and jewels for themselves. 4 They no longer sailed around distributing candy to young children. 5 They forced their religion on others, demanding that nonbelievers follow the FSM. 6 The great pirate leaders, Pirate Mosey with his divine favor, Captain Dave with his prowess in battle, and the Great Pirate Solomon with his profound wisdom, had moved on to the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factories of Heaven. 7 There was no one left to alter the pirates’ sinful course. 8 The Flying Spaghetti Monster would defend them no longer.

Chapter 2

1 A ninja stealthily crept towards his prey. 2 He prepared to leap at the unsuspecting man, but he sensed something was wrong. 3 He turned around to see a bearded old man. 4 He struggled to recognize him in the darkness, but then it came to him; it was the sly demon, the Dark Lord Darwin himself!

5 The ninja pointed his sword at the creature, prepared to defend himself. 6 “Get back fiend!” he shouted, “Or I shall cut you down.”

7 “Your skills are no match for me,” Darwin said, 8 “I have powers beyond your imagination. 9 You are a ninja, are you not supposed to be stealthy and undetectable? 10 How then did I see you?”

11 Shaken by his apparent lack of sneakiness, the ninja responded, “How?”

12 “I used the dark power of observation. 13 I merely opened my eyes and looked around,” Darwin gloated.

14 “Incredible,” said the ninja, “Teach me more.”

15 “There are four dark powers of Science. 16 I will teach you the other three, but only on the condition that you lead the ninjas in a final purge of the pirates.”

17 “I know the pirates and us have fought in the past, but extermination seems like a little too much.”

18 “I guarantee, once you learn of the powers, you will want to destroy them all. 19 Do we have a deal?”

20 The ninja thought for a minute. 21 “Yes, it’s a deal,” he agreed reluctantly.

22 Darwin smiled. 23 “The second power is reason. 24 Use logic in your strategies against the pirates. 25 For example, pirates love to drink rum, so maybe ambush them at a tavern. 26 Now, this is useful, but don’t solely rely on it. 27 Just because something makes sense doesn’t mean it’s true. 28 So reason must be used with the third power, experimentation. 29 If you do attack the pirates at a tavern and you lose, then try something else. 30 A combination of logic and trial and error, reason and experimentation, will give you an effective method in fighting the pirates.”

31 “I see,” said the ninja, 32 “These powers do seem powerful, but I still don’t feel like killing every last pirate.”

33 “That’s where the last power comes in. 34 The dark power of evidence. 35 Pirates are always armed with cutlasses and flintlocks; they travel in ships loaded with cannons. 36 They have constantly fought with the ninjas. 37 They are a threat to you and your people. 38 What choice do you have other than destroy them all?”

39 “Yes! 40 You’re right.”

41 “I’m a scientist. 42 I’m always right. 43 Now I’m currently working on a deception, the Theory of Evolution, that will destroy the faith of the pirates and prevent them from gaining new converts. 44 It will even hurt the FSM himself, as he put a lot of effort into making the universe older than it really is. 45 Evolution will provide an alternative to his practical joke, thus ruining his fun. 46 All the ninjas must do is eliminate the pirates and Pastafarianism will fall.

47 The ninja, jazzed by this information, went forth and spread his new knowledge of Science.

Chapter 3

1 Pirates have never been the most skillful fighters. 2 They are peaceful men and had mostly held off attempted purges by the ninjas in the past by divine intervention from the FSM. 3 But now the FSM had forsaken them for their digressions. 4 Furthermore, they had grown fat and pathetic, perpetually drinking rum and boning wenches, and were in no shape for battling ninjas. 5 This combined with the ninjas mastery of the dark powers of Science meant the pirates didn’t stand a chance against the coming doom.

6 The ninjas spread across the land, slaughtering every pirate they found. 7 They hunted them down like bilge rats. 8 Most cowardly fled out into the sea or drowned their sorrows in rum, waiting for the end. 9 Many complained to the FSM and turned against Him for letting this misfortune befall them.

10 But some took a stand and proudly fought to the end, knowing that they had brought this upon themselves. 11 Others repented and prayed to the FSM to apologize for their wrongdoings. 12 The FSM saw these devout pirates and felt bad for condemning his entire following for the sleaze of some.

“The Book of Fearsome Pirate Pete

*As transcribed by Qwertyuiopasd

Pete I

1:1 Long ago, in an allegorical Caribbean filled with anachronisms and wisdom, there was a pirate known only as Fearsome Pirate Pete. 1:2 He was determined to become the greatest pirate the Caribbean had ever known. 1:3 Having discovered that simply being Piratical all the time with great enthusiasm was not quite enough, Pete explored different schools of piratical thought. 1:4 One day, he sat down to think for a very long while. 1:5 While he was sitting, fully decked out in Pirate regalia, he was a very easy target for any nearby Ninjas, or so it seemed. 1:6 A Ninja did notice Pete, and did try to sneak upon him and stab him through his back. 1:7 However, the Ninjas blade became caught in Pete's back hair, never reaching Pete himself.”

Excerpt From: The Loose Canon. “The Prayer Book.” iBooks.

This material may be protected by copyright.

>>5180460

Chapter 4

1 Captain Black Bob had made it back to his ship after a narrow victory over a ninja assault party. 2 He had lost many of his crew and was feeling depressed. 3 He prayed, “Oh tasty Flying Spaghetti Monster, I realize this destruction must be our fault, but I need to know, what have we done wrong?”

4 “Pirates have become corrupt and have strayed from Pastafarianism. 5 Now I’m not the kinda god to smite those who don’t listen to me, but I don’t have to protect you either,” answered the FSM.

5 “That still sounds pretty lame.”

6 “I know, but I’m a god. I got responsibilities and shit. 7 Do you really wanna worship a god who helps out assholes?”

8 “No.”

9 “Yeah, well you guys were assholes.”

10 “True, but I have repented. 11 I have admitted that I have done wrong.”

12 “You doing better than most of your brethren, but you’re still not good enough. 13 For example, stop killing ninjas. 14 Remember the second suggestion “Thou ought not do stuff thou already knowest is wrong, like killing, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Dost thou really need these carved into a rock?” 15 Yeah, they may kill you, but at least you’ll die a good person. 16 Plus I made all humans equal. 17 Ninjas are inherently as good as pirates. 18 Buy they were deceived by Darwin and twisted by his Science. 19 That demon is the one you should be angry at.”

20 “Fair enough.”

21 “Sweet. 22 You shape up a little and I got your back. 23 But there’s one more thing. 24 You must go forth and spread my word. 25 You must keep my faith alive. 26 For the Dark Lord Darwin will return and threaten mankind again. 27 His Science may destroy the world. 28 The Pastafarians must be prepared.

The Book of Thinly-Veiled Modern Practice Agreements

*As transcribed by Ham Nox

1 One day, as the Flying Spaghetti Monster hovered in the clouds and looked down upon the modern world after the great public revelation of Bobby Henderson (Pesto Be Upon Him), he noticed, yet again, the great lack of pirates. 2 This lack of pirates did make him quite peeved, and so he spake unto the believers “What’s up with the lack of pirates? 3 Did I not tell ye that the free-spirited pirates are the most beloved unto me, and instruct ye to pass on a very strong suggestion to the people that they dress in the blessed clothing?”

4 And the believers, many of whom were big whiners, did respond “But it’s hard to dress up like a pirate in these modern times! 5 There are many unbelievers in the world, who do laugh and scorn our accents and choice of clothing. 6 Their opinions would not matter but that their prejudices cause us great difficulty in keeping good work to put pasta on the table and not getting unnecessarily martyred.”

7 “Hmm… I suppose a healthy diet of pasta is a pretty important observance in addition to the regalia, and that not getting killed is pretty important to you. 8 You must be able to work for the pasta you need, as I, like a forgetful fish owner, am not a terribly dependable provider of such things. 9 I understand that you must be respectful to societal norms in order to do that. 10 But there must be some way to recognize my followers, that I may bless them accordingly. 11 And how am I to know my followers if not by the omnipresence of flamboyant sea-faring style?”

12 The believers concurred with their delicious deity that the problem of how the deity may recognize the believer in hiding was very serious, and they promptly nominated members to a Divine Relations committee and accorded them task of solving it.

13 “We may have all true believers shave off their left eyebrows!” one committee member cried. 14 “Nay, such is crazy talk. 15 The believer may be recognized by a small calligraphic tattoo of another wench or pirate’s name on their arse, as this clearly demonstrates he or she had acheived a drunken state of universal acceptance.” said another. 16 And the third member spoke, “Well, that’s awfully convenient for ye, isn’t it Chuck?

17 Nay, the true Pastafarian in hiding shall don small symbols of their faith under mildly pirate-inspired clothing such that they may show the signs and share the style whilst not betraying mainstream society’s tentative and volatile acceptance. 18 But let us also designate a day in each season specifically for the observance of that which is holy and wholesome as pasta and piratedom, since we are so hidden at other times. 19 Let us stew the sauce for days on end, and give a portion to mark the entrances of sacred halls in which we gather as a place of free, open-hearted love and acceptance, as well as the possible location of a really awesome party. 20 Likewise, whenever and wherever we congregate, the doors shall be with marked with a banner of sauce color as a declaration of intent to our lord and invitation for all others to join in our revelry. 21 What are all your thoughts on such an arrangement?”

22 This seemed like a suitable suggestion to the members of the committee, and many nodded approvingly. 23 The FSM suddenly then spoke, giving the committee quite a scare as they had forgotten that he was watching the debate. 24 “Okay, that sounds like a good plan. 25 Let it be so. 26 But before I go, I would have ye remember: Thou must be respectable in public, but amongst yourselves and I there shall be no shame nor deceit, nor scandal nor scorn. 27 When the time comes that every man is free, all shall party and revel with their full, unconcealed piratitude.”

28 And as it is written, so did all this come to pass. 29 Give or take a few minor details.

The Random Number

of Not Commandments,

Suggestions:

1. I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Thou shalt have no other monsters before Me. (Afterwards is OK; just use protection.) The only Monster who deserves capitalization is Me! Other monsters are false monsters, undeserving of capitalization.

1. Thou ought not do stuff thou already knowest is wrong, like killing, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Dost thou really need these carved into a rock?

1. Judge not, for verily it be not thine job neither most likely to be thine business.

1. Hey, try not to buy too much useless crap, OK?

1. Be kind unto others whether they are kind unto thou or not, for it maketh thou the better person in most situations, and occasionally it doth piss off an idiot, which is funny unto Your Lord the Sauced One.

1. Thou ought not consume “cheese” from a green cardboard can, nor ought thou allow such cans into thy homes

1. Thou shalt share, that none may seek without finding.

1. Thou shalt not feel guilty for feeling good.

1. Thou shalt remember that all the peoples of the Earth are equally My Creatures. When thee worship strippers, always show thy monetary appreciation generously. Remember that midgets are Holy unto Me; thou shalt not overlook them.

1. Thou ought not take thy Pasta in vein. Or artery, for that matter.

1. Thou ought ever seek to improve thy Pasta, to more closely approach the Divine Noodliness.

1. Thou ought beware those who claim to have achieved Noodly Perfection, for they are False Chefs whose claims of the Perfect Recipe will lead thee astray.

1. Thou shalt be amused rather than angered by the words and deeds of idiots; for I am thy Noodly Lord and I have created idiots solely for entertainment purposes, Mine first and thine likewise.

1. Vengence belongs only to the Holy One. Should you happen upon a restaurant that serves pasta that is not up to the standard of the Holy One, simply deny that restaurant your business in the future. You shall not vandalize, burn, harass, or otherwise disturb the peace.

1. Thou ought to taste beyond the shell of the tortellini, and into the cheesy fillings.

1. Thou shalt be free to worship the Blessed Pasta-King as thou seeth fit.

With acknowledgement to:

Solipsy, verbtea, Qwertyuiopasd, fusiontortellini, Skylow, Barbarian, supercheetah, and Pterorhynchus

A Pasta’s Creed as passed to Solipsy

1 The True Believers did grow in number and in rank, and there was word spread that a great accounting should take place; a census should be taken and in that census should be counted all the men and the males among them, and all the women, and the females among them, and the children and the girls and the boys, and the infants. 2 And the leaders spoke up among the True Believers and declared that the numbers of the accounting of the census seemed to make sense not, for there was no accounting of the persons with indeterminate gender, and also of the persons who felt themselves to be gender mis-identified, and also, to count the children, then re-count the boy children and the girl children separately seemed to nearly double the numbers, not accounting for the gender non-specific.

3 And thus the Great Accounting of the True Believers did begin again, and this time was it done by sorting the males and the females and the children and the gender non-specific, and the numbers were tallied and the numbers and ranks of the True Believers seemed to be relatively accurate and the land did feast upon the Holy Meal of the Pasta and Sauce and Orbs made of whatever Protein was the True Believers’ Choice, and the Green Salad was dressed and served and The Tasty Garlic Bread passed. 4 The desired beverages were quaffed and there was great fellowship among the counted of the number and the rank of the True Believers. 5 Afterward, when the plates of the cleaned were gathered, the sweetened desserts of chocolate, dark or milk or white, or not of chocolate at all, but rather simply desserts as the True Believers did prefer, were passed.

6 And the True Believers gave great thanks and worship unto the Wise and Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster; the men and the women among them did rejoice, and the children, both the male children and the female, and the infants did rejoice, and the gender non-specific. 7 All rejoiced and gloried in the Wisdom and Greatness of the One True Creator who made All That Is and Should Be Taught as Science. 8 Each and all among the number and the rank were sated; their hunger was sated and their thirst was quenched, and they were glad and tired. 9 For their numbers had been counted with relative accuracy and among them were many; 6354 were the men and 7364 were the women and 25366 were the children and 3907 were the gender non-specific regardless of age. 10 And they did look upon one another, and finally it was asked: What was the point of all that, then? 11 And came the answer from On High: “I’m not quite sure, but it was one heck of a party!”

12 At the rising of the sun the next morning, as the True Believers did awaken, the men among them did arise, and the women and the children and the gender non-specific did arise, a great non-threatening yet thundering voice did call down from On High: “My Children Whom I Have Touched, Who Are Caressed By My Noodly Appendage, it is My wish for you that you live long and happily, and should have great good fun and gain much knowledge and use the brain I have given you and the free will I have given you and the discount shopping coupons and library cards I have given you.” 13 And then a great sigh did rumble throughout the Earth and throughout the Sky and throughout all Creation. 14 “But,” continued the Wiggly Lord, “I figure I ought to include for you a few specifics in case of emergency.”

15 The holy scribes did run for their hammers and their chisels and their tablets of stone, and began to hammer furiously away in the ancient languages of the day. 16 They did endeavor to catch all the words of the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster as accurately as possible, and with few mistakes, for they wanted to please him, and make him happy. 17 They wanted not to incur His Wrath. 18 They did hammer and did pound and the chips of granite did collect at their feet and this transcribing they tried to do with much accuracy, for there was not, in those olden times of stone tablets, spell-check nor auto correct nor copy-paste. 19 They did live in dark times indeed, and hungered for the wisdom of the Holy Flying Pasta One. 20 Thusly they wrote, for this he spake:

>>5180645

21 And it shall be that no eating of boogers shall occur in the market place, the classroom, the gas station, the fast-food restaurant, or the car while sitting at a red light, or in any other place. 22 This is His Noodly Word, and for to break it, the offender shall sacrifice three slices of mushroom pizza upside down upon the altar of the offender’s own coffee table. 23 There those slices shall remain until such time as do appear small gnats. 24 Then and only then is the offender considered cleansed of his booger-sin, and may dispose of the mushroomed slices, and shall sin no more.

25 His Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster shall not tolerate the owning of more than seven stuffed animals by a heterosexual man over the age of 25. 26 If such a man is found to be in possession of said offensive beasts, the beasts will be taken by the True Believers, and they shall be ritually sacrificed upon the garbage heap after much dismemberment. 27 The man shall then be taunted for a time not to exceed two minutes. 28 Then shall he hop on one foot for a full minute and be considered forgiven. 29 This sayeth our Lord and Noodle. 30 Should his girlfriend be the presenter of the beasts, she should be sternly told to grow up, and instructed by the elder males among the True Believers about appropriate gifts for boyfriends, for yea and verily, she is freakin’ clueless. 31 If the gifter be his Mother, it shall be explained to her that she is now the parent of a grown man, and ought consider gifts of cash instead. 32 Thus instructs The Wise and Meatbally.

33 The scratching of the most private parts or retrieval of the undergarments from the depths of the nether-regions shall be reserved for times when the True Believer has excused him/herself from the company of others, or such time as the True Believer wears the uniform of the team of a professional baseball player, and is on national television. 34 For the breaking of this sacred law, the penalty shall be that all those True Believers present and in observance shall loudly proclaim “Dude, quit scratching your (insert chosen offensive slang word here)” while pointing at the unholy offender. 35 Equally shall this be done to all scratchers, disregarding genders. 36 In penance, the Disgraced True Believer must cover his face with both hands and excuse him/herself to the nearest restroom to wash up like a civilized person. 37 Then and only then shall the loving Noodles of the Holy One embrace him/her again.

38 The eating of pets, the True Believer shall not do, for verily and with most seriousness shall it be held an abomination. 39 Thou shall not eat of the hamster nor the gerbil, nor any other denizen of the Habitrail, neither of the cat nor its kittens, the dog nor its pups. 40 Neither shall thou partake of the flesh of the parakeet nor the iguana nor the goldfish nor any fish of the tank or decorative pond, for it is an abomination unto his Holy Jiggling Appendages. 41 Neither shall thee roast the flesh of pets from the store nor shelter, whether cuddly or annoying, for verily it is an abomination unto the Spaghetti Lord, and also of great repulsion to the sane.

42 Also it shall be held a deep abomination to partake of the flesh of the pets of thy neighbors, even if such pets do bark long and mightily throughout the night, disturbing the rest of the True Believer. 43 Even if the pets of thy neighbors dig in thy yard and garden, or otherwise behave in ways which shall peeve thee, of them thou shall not eat. 44 Thou shall not grind them and mix their flesh with bread crumbs nor rice nor oats nor tasty seasonings of any kind, for it is an abomination. 45 Thou shall not bathe them in the sauces of any kind, nor shape them, thine own or thy neighbor’s, into rounded form. 46 Thou shall not even consider them lowly unto the Atkins diet, for truly it is just plain sick. 47 For the breaking of this most high and holy law, the True Believer must submit to years of serious Psychiatric Counseling and agree to take such legal medications as are prescribed by a professional physician.

48 His Most Righteous Airborne Semolina Strands shall tolerate no petty traffic offenses from amongst the ranks of his True Believers. 49 Heed these words, O children of the Grain! 50 Verily, thou shall use thine turn indicators before such time as thou shall make a turn; before a left turn, and before a right turn, according to their kinds. 51 In both instances shall thee use them equally. 52 So too shall you, my True Believers, maintain assured clear distance from the drivers in front of thee, though they be morons who inhibit thine (only slightly over legally posted) speed. 53 For verily, thou art not the drivers of the cars in front of thee, nor can thou go through them, as they are objects solid as granite, and should you hitteth them, the collision would be considered thine fault, and the payment of the deductible great.

>>5180659

54 Should you find yourself to be the victim of the heretic infidel, the tailer of the gate, thou are to make sure thou are doing the posted speed and maintain a temperament worthy of the True Believer of Your Extruded Nutritious Wheat-Based Lord. 55 You shall not mess with the idiot behind thee. 56 You shall not speed up for short distance only to slow down for short distance. 57 You shall not check to see if brakes work, neither the brakes of your car, nor the brakes of the jerkface behind thee. 58 Ye shall attempt to refrain from the stretching of the arm and the extension of the chosen finger, though it be mightily tempting, and The Lord Thy Glob doth quite understand, but still refrain if thee can, for it is better to pull over and keep your life long, than to mess with a fool who may shorten it.

59 For the sake of thy Great Glob in Heaven, thou are not to be a fool who believes it to show great status among human kind to blast your chosen music throughout the streets for all to hear. 60 It is an abomination. 61 Not the choice of thine music is an abomination, mind you, but the deafening volume at which the idiot who blasts it doth blast it. 62 Blast not with the woofers nor the tweeters, nor anywhere throughout the midrange. 63 Blast not at the intersection, nor in the parking lot, nor through the neighborhood, nor in the presence of the person of one’s chosen attraction, for yea and verily, please figure out that no one is impressed. 64 The Monster Who Has Rounded Orbs of Meat and Hovers in Heaven has blessed his Creation with music to make his Creatures happy, music of all kinds that his Creatures may rejoice. 65 Be not an inconsiderate jackass who thinks everyone in the whole world is dying to hear the music of thine choice. 66 Trust the Big Monster on this one: they are not, and they do regard thee as most idiotic.

67 And another thing, and this doth peeve His Glorious Hovering Pasta no end: thou shall keep thy mind on thy driving and thine eyes on the road. 68 There shall be no long chatting on the phones of the cell, there shall no applying of the makeup to the face, no shaving of the beard, no reading of the map, the newspaper, the Romance novel, nor solving of the crossword puzzle. 69 There shall be no watching of the movie by thee as thou art driving. 70 There shall be no watching of the DVD, nor the VCR tape, nor the Television, neither VHF nor satellite. 71 Have thee lost thy freaking mind? 72 Verily should the sane among you, and the True Believers who wish to live long lives and see their children live long lives, seek to pass earthly laws against these abominations, and seek to have them duly enforced. 73 For those who escape Earthy justice, especially flat and bland beer doth await you in Heaven.

Frequently Asked Questions

*As transcribed by Alpaca and Qwertyuiopasd

1 Ages ago, there was a young, inquisitive pirate who was called Frequently. He had a tendency to ask a lot of questions

2 One day, his mates told him of the glory that was the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

3 Wanting to know more, Frequently sought out the wise and learned Dalai Llama, who was in fact an alpaca, and Frequently Asked Questions.

4 Frequently Asked: “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny to say that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has spoken to me, come to me in a dream, I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and demand that you follow my ignorant, unsubstantiated schism or else be wrong?”

5 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “No.”

6 Frequently Asked: “Hey, I see that you disagree with the teaching of intelligent design in school. 7 Does this mean I can assume that you also abhor Christianity? 8 Does this mean that we share every single remotely religious or moral belief? 9 Does this mean that I can be an intolerant jackass, because everybody has to agree with me?”

10 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “No. 11 Pastafarianism is intended to protest attempts to include religion in science curriculum. 12 We are in no way against religion itself, and we do not appreciate being portrayed as such by radical people who consider this the perfect vehicle to spread their inane doctrines.”

13 Frequently Asked: Are you ever not going to answer “no?”

14 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Maybe.”

15 Frequently Asked: “What’s the Pastafarian position on some political issue not related to intelligent design?”

16 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “I have absolutely no idea. 17 But we can discuss it intelligently.”

18 Frequently Asked: “Are you people for real?”

19 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Yes. We’re real people.”

20 Frequently Asked: “Seriously.”

21 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Yes. 22 We all fervently believe that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster, who designed it to appear older than it really was, and make it look like it worked in ways similar to logical conjectures made on overwhelming observable evidence, but actually wasn’t, and actually didn’t, because He ultimately controls it all with His Noodly Appendage!”

23 Frequently Asked: “Really?”

24 And the Dalai Llama produced audible ellipses.

25 Frequently Asked: “Okay, I get it. 26 So why a Spaghetti Monster?”

27 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Why not? 28 Has better ring to it than “bearded white guy.” 29 Besides, ask Bobby. 30 It was his revelation.”

31 Frequently Asked: “You guys know you’re going to Hell, right?”

32And the Dalai Llama Answered: “That’s your opinion. 33 We try to be tolerant of your opinions, so could you at least try to tolerate ours?”

34 Frequently Asked: “Speaking of Hell, what’s that like? 35 I know that Heaven has a stripper factory and a beer volcano, but is there anything else?”

36 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “If you’re a true believer in whatever faith you’re a part of, and you’ve done what’s expected of you, then that’s the Afterlife you get. 37 The Flying Spaghetti Monster has no territorial disputes with anybody else. 38 If you’re not going there, we’ll take you, and it may not be fun, but it beats the hell (haha! hell!) outta Lakes of Fire.

39 “There will be a kind of HellLight, where unbelievers have to live with school cafeteria spaghetti, second rate beer, and boring jobs in the service industries where the Heavenbound Pastafarians will be living. 40 There will be no privation, no physical torture, no burning or boiling in various liquids. 41 These aren’t bad people, these are people that followed the culture and customs of their times and did not recognize the difference between a culture and a faith. 42 And this HellLight will include a just and equitable redemption process.

>>5180699

43 “Actual Pastafarian Hell is reserved for a very few, and those will be divided from the Pasta, the finest beverages and the fellowship of persons of good will and kind intent. 44 They will do all the laundry, cleaning and heavy or unpleasant jobs that are there. 45 Never will they eat of the Pasta of any kind, but will live on lots of beans and rice, potatoes and extremely cheap cuts of meat, and the type of diet that the American urban poor can afford, or that Senior Citizens and disabled persons on Social Security are reduced to. 46 They get the really icky dirty work. 47 They deserve it. 48 The bullies of the geopolitical world will be there, and their helpers. 49 The false religious leaders, who plead for funds through electronic media, and give nothing of their true selves, and hoard the money and live in opulence, they will be there. 50 Many others of ill-intent will be with them.

51 “There is a reservation there for the tricksters, the con-men, the corrupt, unrepentant politicians, who will begin every work day by licking clean the footwear of every Native American person there, even in HellLight. 52 Also there will be the promulgators of the horrible practices against the indigenous people of every country ever “modernized” by Western Civilization. 53 They lick boots as well. 54 And when they’re through they get to do all the stuff that nobody in the Hell above them want to do.

55 “Not a real burning-in type hell, no boiling lakes of fire, just an appropriate “reward.” 56 No more lunatics and sadists, please.

57 “Other people have other ideas, but then again other people are promoting Holy War, too. 58 Don’t do that in the name of our FSM. 59 That’s not the Way to Do Things Right.

60 Then again, we could be completely wrong.”

61 Frequently Asked: “Oooh, What about the Pastafarian equivalent of such-and-such element of such-and-such religion that you didn’t cover above?”

62 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “We’re not trying to completely copy and twist everything about religion. 63 We don’t take issue with religion; we take issue with it being taught as science.”

64 Frequently Asked: “Well, one aspect of other religions you do have is a god. 65 Who happens to be made of pasta. 66 Isn’t it sorta wrong to eat what He’s made of?”

67 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Eat some of this bread instead, and wash it down with this wine, then.”

68 Frequently Asked: “What?”

69 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not pasta, but a deity who chooses to represent Himself as pasta. 70 If you like Pasta, go ahead and eat some. 71 He doesn’t mind, because the Sharing of the Pasta is a form of worship. 72 Especially the sharing part. 73 Transubstantiation is not part of Pastafarian doctrine. 74 That means when you eat Pasta, you aren’t eating Him, but eating Pasta.”

75 Frequently Asked: “So, I’d love to eat pasta, but I have some sort of medical condition/diet/personal preference that prevents me from doing so. 76 What do I do?”

77 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “His Noodly Majesty is, above all, tolerant. 78 Be a good person, and you’ll be fine, eating Pasta or not.”

79 Frequently Asked: “What if I don’t have a set of pirate regalia? 80 What if I don’t drink beer? 81 What if I think strippers are immoral?”

82 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Tolerance. 83 You’ll be okay.”

84 Frequently Asked: “Speaking of pirates, did you know about Talk Like a Pirate day?”

85 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Yes.”

86 Frequently Asked: “Speaking of beer, what kind of beer is in the volcano? 87 What if it’s not my favorite? 88 What are the strippers like? 89 What if I’m a woman and want a man? 90 What if I’m looking for a relationship, not just short-term fun? 91 What if…”

92 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “He is omniscient and omnipotent. 93 You’ll be well taken care of in Heaven, in a way that will suit your wants and needs exactly.”

>>5180707

94 Frequently Asked: “Cool, I get it! 95 By the way, what’s the best way to be sarcastic and condescending to those who I think are idiots? 96 What about all those people who don’t subscribe to whatever specific religious or other philosophy I might have? 97 They really need to learn that the universe revolves around me.”

98 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “No, you don’t get it. 99 Tolerance.”

100 Frequently Asked: “Okay, so I do get it. 101 How long has this been around, anyway?”

102 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “His Noodly Majesty has been around since the beginning of the universe, which he created. 103 If you’re asking when He revealed Himself to Bobby Henderson, you’re asking about May 2005 CE.”

104 Frequently Asked: “And how many Pastafarians are there?”

105 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Millions, scattered around the planet.”

106 Frequently Asked: “Really? 107 Wow!”

108 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Actually, we have no clue.”

109 Frequently Asked: “Oh, either way, add 1 to that number, because I’m in! 110 Now, what can I do to help?”

111 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Spread His Word among your peers! 112 Or, if you’re feeling philanthropic, help needy people.”

113 And Frequently left the presence of the Dalai Llama who was in fact an alpaca, and lived the rest of his life a wonderful and loving Pastafarian, if not persistently inquisitive.

Pastalms

Pastalm I

1I absolutely love the FSM!

2I was once a lost soul 3drifting

for one belief to4another searching for answers.

5but then I was referred to your site,

6and now I feel his Noodly Appendage

7all through my body; 8giving me strength

9 and power fight ID nutz

10and people who believe in “evolution”

11which people cannot verify12 the verity

13of such a ridiculous subject.

14 we must help spread the knowledge

15of the inimical affects of believing

in other religions. 16Thank You sir

for unearthing ancient

scriptures of The Flying Spaghetti Monster!

17Also you site is very funny

Unattributed

Pastalm II

1As my Faith in the Trinity

of Spaghetti, Meatballs and Sauce grows

2I find my faith in HIM,FSM, grows too.

3I won the bi- weekly lottery

to see will get to gain favor with FSM at HIS whim

4and now I get to ask for some wishes.

5I am so happy that granting of the wishes

is also at HIS whim. 6The evidence is strong

that at some point The Flying Spaghetti Monster decides

some things 7because things happen all the time

8we can see clear unabridged data that FSM truly exists.

9In the presence of overwhelming “evidentul pasta”

10(that’s Greek for LOOK AT ALL THE PASTA EVIDENCE)

11I get weak and cry but HE lifts me up

12and says HE will not be found

in the custom kitchens of the rich and famous,

13but on the carboard box dinner table of a crack addict

14and her pimps illigitamate sons and daughters.

15HE tells me this in person and then stays a while

with me and my illegitamate kids. 16For it is HE

who makes us trully rich with HIS sauce

17…and with crack cocaine so we can have sex

with strangers to pay the bills. 18Allways the provider

We will sacrifice anything for FSM.

Unattributed.

Pastalm III

1 After reading your letter on spaghetti monsterism

many different parts of my life

have suddenly come together. 2 Every time

I have been in Nassau, Bahamas

I have found myself drinking

at the PIRATES bar, now I know why

the SPAGHETTI MONSTER

has called me to a holy place. 3 The tacky pirate

t-shirts I bought there are actually holy vestments.

4 When I visited SEAWORLD I felt compelled

to buy a stuffed jellyfish at the giftshop.

5 Now I understand, it’s not a jellyfish

its the SPAGHETTI MONSTER. 6 Your letter was terrific,

I have sent it to at least 50 people and now

I proudly own two of the tacky SPAGHETTI MONSTER

t-shirts.

Unattributed

>>5180789

Pastalm IV

1As for FSM cosmology, I think that someone told me

they read that NASA was very interested

in the celestrial bodies = cheese theory

and they had one of the Astronauts taste some moon dust.

2 Unfortunately, he was from Ohio or some such place

and so we just because he said, ‘this stuff tastes awful’

is not evidence that it wasn’t actually cheese.

3 I’m shocked you’re not keeping up on facts.

4 By the way, don’t Hindus believe that the universe

Was created by a bowl of Rama, or something similar???

5 Their beliefs predate Christian beliefs

and they have persisted, I think Hindu cosmology

should be given respect, especially in light

of their apparent correspondence to FSMism.

6 Maybe mainstream Hindu and Buddist beliefs

should be number 4 and 5 on the list of ‘theories’

for the state of Kansas.

7 Bill O’Reilly operates like a congressperson.

8 If one person writes, he doesn’t see it,

if his screener says that 10,000 people have written,

then he might respond. 9 However, this incident

is something that someone should write to Al Franken about,

IMHO, I’m sure he would be glad to proselytize on our behalf

If it were a way to stick O’Reilly.

Unattributed

Pastalm V

1 After reading through your website

I feel my understanding of the Universe

was greatly improve and simplified

giving a sense of well being

that knowing the Spaghetti Monster did it.

2 Allowing me to watch Satellite television,

send e-mails and make long distant phone calls

safe in the knowledge that I can ignore all

this frankly complicated and confusing

counter evidence thrown at me

by the frankly biased information sources

popular science.

3 I feel also that there is some bias

in the Arkansa board of education

that none of the members seemed to be trained

in any physical science or any real science

at all, which could explain there reluctance

to adopt the clearly superior theories

of Spagetti monsterism(which are correct because believing in them

makes me right and happy) 4 I also express

a concern that even though there are 10 members

of the Arkansa board of “education”

at most there are at most 4 different faces.

Your blinded by faithfully

Daniel

Pastalm VI

1For years,

I have felt adrift in this world,

possessed of a desire

to dress like a pirate

with no real explanation.

2Now, upon seeing your site,

I understand

He touched me with His Noodly Appendage,

and I have received a Calling

to His ministry.

3Yea, I shall do His bidding,

and shall dwell forever

between the Stripper Factory

and the Beer Volcano!

Adam

>>5180805

Pastalm VII — Ode to Cheesus

1. Oh Parmegiana. Oh humble flaky shards of yellow.

Oh miniscule specks of flavoursome flake.

1. Thy humble origins do thus begin

with thy specially nourished cow.

1. Send forth much milk to create thee

oh beast of the moo moo. 4. Be thee storedin large vats producing fermented whey

and be thee stored in thy copper cauldron.

1. Speed forth thy bacterial culture to sour thee.

1. Then following thy heating to 30-35 degrees celcius,

speed forth thy coagulation and formation of curds.

1. And following thy placing in form, immerse thee

in briney water and season thee. 8. And following

thy placing on the supermarket shelves, shall the wheels

of my shopping trolley speed me to the delicatessen section.

1. And there shall I purchase thee. 10. Yea verily,

shall I get a move on to the ’8 items or less’

express checkout, for the woman in front

with 2 trolleys shall be feeding an army.

1. Then, following purchase of your sacred block,

shall I grate thee into a separate bowl

and store thee in preparation of the holy meal.

For thy pre-grated can form is but a smelly abomination.

1. Oh golden dandruffy accompaniment.

When thy spoon does transport thee to the holy meal,

shall thy flakes thus fall through the ribbony noodles

of delight, melt with the sacred mince and merge

with thy venerable garlic and onion seasoning.

1. For thy cheesy holiness beams forth

on top of the sacred meal like Hillary

on top of Mt Everest. 14. And whenst thy noodles

reach my mouth after many messy attempts,

including use of a man-bib,

shall thy flakes impart their flavour upon thee. 15. And then

shall ye descend my clogged oesophagus, blocked

by your holy goodness. 16. Following much aching tummy

and Alka-Seltzer, send forth much expulsion of thy massive burp.

1. For thy burp shall be a gassy expression of your cheesy goodness.

2. Yea then and only then shall I feel truly holy

and truly fulfilled.

For yours is the cheesiness, the powder

and the gluttony. For ever and ever.

RAmen

The Most Inspired DaveL

Pastalm VIII — Ode to Thy Man-Bib

1. Thou eyes hath stared at thine office clock

all morning, thus waiting for nourishment.

1. For thine office buddies shall congregate

at thy local pasta house for lunch.

1. And dressed in full suit and tie, do I order thee

Spaghetti, most holy of meals

and expensive bottle of red. 4. And in thine anticipation,

following previous drunken messy incidents,

thou waiter has brought me forth thy great friend.

1. For hastily tied to the back of my neck

is my great saviour and protector. 6. Thy Man-Bib

• most holy covering of pastafarian businessmen.

1. Blessed be thy coverage, for thy mince meat

shall not stain my Pierre Cardin suit. 8. Blessed be

thy cloaking, for thy noodle shall not sully

my Yves St Laurent tie.9. Blessed be thy shelter,

for thy parmesan shall not land on my lap.

1. For thy Armani shall wear not the holy meal

with thy cloaking. 11. And thy Calvin Kline

shall be untouched by the sacred morsels.

1. For thine wondrous Man-Bib

has saved me from a fate worse than death.

1. The wrath of mine wife and local drycleaner

2. And shall thee dwell around my neck

during many a business lunch.

Forever and ever.

RAmen

The Most Inspired DaveL

>>5180851

Pastalm IX — The Holy Ponderance

1. Oh Great Noodly One. To thee I doth ponder,

for thy presence inspires much rumbling of my tummy.

1. And after repeated rumbling and grumbling

of thy digestive system, shall I sunder forth

to the Holy Refrigerator in search of your fulfilment.

1. And after much fumbling and bumbling

through the empty shelves, shall I surrender

thy wishful thinking and retreat to the holy ATM

to replenish thy monetary stocks.

1. And then I do doth speed, doing 100 in a 60 km/h zone

to the local supermarket during peak hour,

for thy weekly chores must be done. 5. Cashed up and ready

to do battle with holy trolley and bloated wallet,

my grocery vessel doth speed me through Lanes 1 to 6

with much haste. For thine aisles are thus blocked

with the slow and indecisive. 6. And thoughts

of previous trolley rage incidents, for which I was imprisoned,

doth subside on thy blessed turning into Lane 7.

1. For there before me are the myriads of your many forms.

2. Oh Great One, for thy many forms do thus inspire

a holy hypnosis. 9. And there do I stand mid-aisle to ponder

thy many forms. 10. And Lane 7 doth turn into a massive log jam

on the initiation your holy ponderance…

1. Be thee Anelli for thy small rings encase thine holiness?

12 Be thee Bucatini: for thy long tubes doth extend forth to inspire me?

1. Be thee Cannelloni: for thy Large, thick round tubes

are a metaphor to be filled with your holy goodness?

1. Be thee Cochiglie: for thine ridged tiny shells are like sea shells

washing upon the shores of my soul?

1. Be the Cresti di gallo: ‘I sure hope so, because my stomach is staring to grumble?’

2. Be the Eliche: For thy loose spirals are like tendrils, descending from the Beer Volcano in the sky?

3. Be thee Farfalle: For thy bow ties inspire thoughts of Pirates on the high seas?

4. Be thee Gemelli: For thine twin pieces wrapped together remind me fo the Holy Bond with my great Noodly Master.

5. Be thee Lumache: ‘I sure hope so, because that cranky old man is set to trolley-ram-eth me? Incoming!!’

6. Be thee Lumaconi: For thy Big shells used for fillings inspire me with thoughts of your holy sauces.

7. Be thee Orecchiette: For thy Ear-shaped goodness inspires sounds of contented diners, loud burps and contented tummies following ingestion of thy holy meal.

8. Be thee Penne: ‘I surely hope so, for the supermarket security guard is eying me warily.’

9. Be thee Rigatoni: For thy thick ridged tubes do thus inspire thoughts of your noodly appendage sent forth to touch and inspire me.

10. Be thee Vermicelli: ‘I sure hope so, for several burly security guards do thus forcibly remove me from Lane 7. ‘

1. And during my forced removal, I do thus do thus scream

your holy name and several other unmentionable utterances.

1. For thine inspiration has brought me much unwanted attention

from the local authorities. 27. And I shall no longer dwell in the house

of Walmart. 28. For my photo is thus plastered at every checkout

throughout land. 29. And following my banning from thy local shopping mall,

do I thus seek your inspiration in a new form -

Internet Grocery Shopping. 30. For your internet goodness

is brought forth following quotation of my credit card number.

1. And your holiness is thus delivered to my doorstep.

2. And I shall no longer be smited by the dreaded trolley.

3. And I shall ponder thee from the world wide web

until my dying day.

Forever and Ever.

Ramen

The Most Inspired DaveL

Pastalm X

1 I was so happy

to see President Bush’s comments

about teaching Intelligent Design in schools

though it did make the Canadian government’s

“old school” stance that “verifiable” science

be the only curriculum taught

in our educational centres more

painfully obvious.

2 If only the rest of the modernized world

would have a similarly open-minded leader,

I’m sure that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

would gain followers in leaps and bounds!

3 However, I’m sure

it will only be a matter of time

before something equally ridic… er… redeeming

happens up here. 4 When this happens

I hope to make great headway with my First Mission

of FSM! 5 The Noodle, The Sauce, and the Holy Meatballs…

and Some Googly Eyes.

RAmen.

Unattributed

>>5180874

Pastalm XI

1 I know that you are probably getting tired

of me, but I remembered that last night

Bill O’Reilly said in his commentary

that banning ideas like Intelligent Design

is nothing short of Fascism.

2 I have written to thank him

for his support of alternative theories, s

such as FSM, in science class

and encouraged him to mention FSM

more directly in the future.

3 I think that it would be useful

if others also send an email

to him expressing gratitude for the support

of such a high profile individual

for our humble cause. 4 Think of the reaction

if he became angry at a thousand FSM emails.

5 LOL. Still LOL.

6 Having too much fun with the image

of him denying endorsement of FSM

with little flecks of foam

at the corners of his mouth….

Unattributed

Pastalm XII

1 After following the antics of the Kansas school board

for some time, I was finally fortunate enough to find your site

through the third page of links on Google News.

2 What can I say; I just love reading about the comedic pratfalls

of George Bush. 3 I felt a brush of sauce-based enlightenment

when I read about the great wonderfulness of the Flying Spagetti Monster.

4 I believe I have found my calling and I would like to become a Priest

ordained in the faith of the FSM. 5 Specifically,

I’d like to get some kind of certificate to put on my wall

so I can call pasta dinners Communion and have an excuse

to dress up like a pirate and request Fridays off. 6 I don’t think

I’ll get Fridays off, but I think eye patches are cool.

7 I’d also like to officiate over gay unions. Lots and lots of gay unions.

8 I feel that the FSM would appreciate this, since It has a lot of noodly appendages

and would want us mere humans created in It’s image with noodly appendages

to get together and attempt to procreate. 9 I’m also cool with lesbian weddings

because the FSM also respects those created with more meatball-like attachments.

10 And if the meatballs and noodles want to get together, it’s all good

because the FSM is cool about that. 11 Unlike some imaginary deities

who are such prudes they don’t even have sex with women to get kids,

the FSM has the meatballs and noodles all coming together

out in the open in a free expression of high-carb goodness.

12 By the way, does the carb-content of the FSM

mean that Atkins is the anti-FSM and deserving of scorn?

13Anyway. 14 Please let me know how I can become a priest in the FSM faith.

15 I’d be happy to spread the word and post the 10 Ingredients in courthouses

and other public buildings and claim they are historic. 16 I have jury duty

in a few weeks so there’s an opportunity right there.

Dexter

>>5180903

Pastalm XIII

1. He is like a sweater 2. that enfolds me in Ragu

with meatballs. 3. His delicious smell wafts unto me

as a song that would fill my ears, or as the touch

of his Noodly Appendage opens my eyes

and brings to me a taste of divine understanding…

1. as if his Meatballs have spoken to my skin

1. For it was unto Kansas that His Chosen Prophet

Bobby did reveal 6. how his creative divinity

can never truly be fathomed. 7. Aye and Avast Ye,

the Pirates will save the planet 8.and those who cling

to the poopdecks 9. of denial that Global Warming

is caused by the Pirate’s disappearance

1. are disassemblers… that means to lie.

1. The colossal bowl of His deliciousness

2. Will make all who are touched cower

with enlightenment. 13. His Prophet Bobby

shall ascend to the Beer Volcano heights,

1. while poor Solipsy awaits worthiness

for admittance to the Stripper Factory.

1. All of humankind shall one day

believe 16. that the sumptuous generosity

of his dripping sauce 17. shall cover them

with blessed and unending carbohydrate fortitude.

1. Plus ca change, Plus ca la meme chose no longer.

2. “Fill Me” cry out the bowls, the pots, the platters.

the bellies. “Oh, fill me!!” 20. Unto you, too,

be touched, be filled, be blessed, believe!

Unattributed

Pastalm XIV

1Alas, my blind eyes have been opened!

2My life has complete meaning

and direction now. For decades

3I thought I was the odd one

4and have grappled to understand

my fixation 5with pasta and pirate attire.

6Little did my feeble mind realize

that it was all part of a grand plan

7and I was merely and instrument of HIM.

8Praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

9Hallowed be his His Noodly Appendages!

Robert W

Pastalm XV

1I have been on a search

2all of my life for the truth

about my existence.

3I believe HE has visited me

many times in my dreams.

4I long for the day when HE

will send down cheese

5from the heavens

6much like others have claimed

to have found manna.

7Thank you for your work

and continued vigilance!

8May we all continue

in the sauce of life!

A Convert