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83So began the amassed wisdom of the ProvHerbs: Advice on Cooking, Eating & Enjoying Tasty Pasta:1Faith is to the soul what sauce is to pasta. 2The meaning of life can only be found at the bottom of a pasta bowl. 3To the divine feast, the wise bringeth TicTacs, but the fool leaveth with breath most garlicky and offensive. 4And once the garlic has been in the sauce, yea verily, thou must brush your tongue as well as your teeth, before thou layest with your wench.5Starch not the shirts nor the linens, for starch is a holy foodstuff and should be consumed with reverence -and a good sauce. 6He who eats pasta shall never be hungry. 7There is never a right way to overcook pasta. 8As long as we eat our pasta and do not overcook it, we shall be saved. 9Feed a man pasta and you have fed him for a day, teach a man to cook pasta and you will amaze his wife. 10The wise Believer checketh the date of the Parmesan, but the foolish accidentally flavor the sauce with mold. 11Whoever tops with the cheese of the powder is a blasphemer, sayeth the Lord. 12Do not put ranch dressing on your spaghetti, for that is blasphemy. 13Abhor ye not the dried pasta, for verily it is written that only the stuff in tins is an abomination.14His Noodliness helps those who help themselves to seconds! How to Pleasingly Praise Our Lord the FlyingSpaghetti Monster:15If thy sauce falleth in thy lap, sing praise that His Noodleyness has spareth’ed thy new shag pile. 16To touch the divine, is not the same as being divinely touched. 17He shall cover thee with his spaghetti, and under his marinara shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy parmesian and meatballs. 18I can do all things through FSM who marinates me.19 Please prepare your plates, let us eat. Pass the Parmesan. 20As you treat the least of the midgets, so you treat Him. 21He who doubteth me shall sip warm diet drinks fortified with caramel coloring and artificial sweetener forever: But he who believeth in me shall drink his fill from the beer volcano and the Holy Wine Bar.How to Treat Others and Great Advice In General:22If you can't say anything nice, fill up your mouth with pasta. Yum! 23Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not cooked in the same pot. 24Better the mushroom you know than the
95The Pastalamentations of Father JeromeWritten while in exile among the heathen TacobeaniansBook ONE1O Lord of Starchy Tentacles, hear thy repentant servant in exile: 2I sit on the bank of this dry river; yea, I cry out to thee in heart-rending pastalamentations; but lo, my tears shall surely cause the river to flow afore they may soften Thine heart and make Thee relent. 3Woe is me! Thou hast exiled me into this land of heathenistic Tacobeanias; and woe unto them, for they worship untasty gods. But let their beans be upon their own heads. 4Thou sayest, O Lord FSM, that I shall go forth and mingle with the heathens and break Spaghetti with them in atonement for my sins?5Yea, therefore I shall go forth and eat Thy Noodly Meals in public places, and in the company of loose women, fornicators and others who reject Thine Hallowed Substance; yea, I shall go among the sinners of Phoenix so that they may observe my ways and thereby learn to consume Thine Hallowed Delicious Meal. Yea! 6Behold, in my search for Thine Holy Pasta I had entered “Antonio‟s Fine Food ala Italiano.”At least so proclaimed the unevenly flashing neon sign above the entrance door. 7And in the poorly-lit room I saw tables which were gaudily covered with red-white checkered cloth. My heart rejoiced. Pasta be praised, for is not Our Lord Spaghetti with Meatballs of Italian-Pastafarian persuasion? Surely, I shall find my Lord Pasta in this house. 8And, lo,I rested my ass upon a vinyl-covered chair and waited for the high priest to come and arrange for Thee to appear in Thine Holy Form of Spaghetti and Sauce and Meatballs. 9Someone emerged from the darkness of the eatery and accosteth me. “Stranger, what wishest thou of me? Mayhap taco salad; bean tacos; sour cream chicken enchiladas”Thus spoke the high priest of that heathen eatery. 10“None of these–nor none of those,” I answered in indignation. “Only Spaghetti and Meatballs, and all smothered in His Sauce; for I am an orthodox Pastafarian. And make it pronto!”11So I instructed this false priest of my wishes, albeit in the awful dialect of Tacobeania, a lingo that resembles Espaňol. 12And thus spake he: “O stranger,thou must know this: Antonio‟s joint hath changed ownership more than twice; I strive to serve foods which are clean in the eyes of our own regional gods „Taco and Enchilada.‟ But I wish your God „Pasta‟(sneer,snicker) a very happy landing.”13“But, stranger unto our land and customs,” hethen added, “my heart is not made of river rock. Mayhap the harlot–uh, cook, Juanita, can find a handful of forgotten spaghetti in some nook or cranny; behold, I may yet persuade her to cook a sauce for thee…say, doest thou like beans?”So spoke the heathen who served unto the false gods „Taco‟ and „Enchilada.‟Woe unto them. 14And behold! The parquet floor shifted and all chairs and tables trembled. Oh, fearful sight! A
SPOCK IS A FINE JEW
96mountain of flesh came unto my table; and–behold–it was the part-time cook: Juanita. 15And such were the consequences which had resulted from the ingestion of unholy foods: she was as broad as she was tall, and thus her form appeared to be spherical. 16The words of an English bard came to mind: “Marry, sir, she is the kitchen-wench,and all grease; and I know not what use to put her to, but to make a lamp of her, and run from her by her own light.”17And behold, her protruding belly supported two bowls, and those bowls she topped off with the lower pair of her four enormous breasts. In her entirety she fully resembled the legendary four-breasted harlot of Phoenix. And woe! that she was. 18And lo, from her first bowl she served me a dish of ersatz-pasta and hamburger helper and salsa. Behold, the second bowl was empty. 19And she stood near my right side and waited. And I ate while she stood there with the second bowl, the one that contained nada. 20And it came to pass that I had finished the heathens‟blasphemous substitute for Holy Pasta and Sauce and Meatballs. 21Lo, the mountain of flesh held her empty bowl beneath my chin; and I understood this to be her subtle hint that I should place a substantial offering into that vessel; therefore I searched my purse for some loose shekels, whereupon she frowned; and then she spoke: 22“Fie,stranger, it is not thy monetary reward that I wouldst cherish; but pray, why pukest and fartest thou not? Hath my food not been to thy liking?”23I refused to oblige her, and thus she retreated with nothing more than one clean bowl in her hand. (Lord, who can understand these heathens‟ways?) 24Lord Pasta! I cry out to Thee for deliverance from exile; for I crave Thy Pasta; Thy Sauce and Thy Meatballs. I have been good; am I not Thine obedient Pastafarian? Exile me, O Pasta, if Thou wilt, to Chicago; or to Cleveland; even to Milwaukee; anywhere; for there, Thy Pastafarians shall serve Thee well. ——————————————————————————————————Book TWO1Woe unto me, for I still live in the land ofheathenish Tacobeanians. Verily, the displeasure of Our Lord FSM is still upon me. 2Behold, I consort with one of their most-vile denizens: the aforementioned four breasted harlot of Phoenix; yea. 3And lo, it came to pass that she entered into my kitchen (for she desired to learn about my Lord Pasta and His Condiments and His Meatballs). 4And, Lord Pasta forgive me, I ogled her four stupendous breasts in amazement, for never before had my eyes beheld more than three breasts on any female body. Lord, forviewing that abomination, yea, I rightly deserve fifty lashes with Thy Noodle. 5And it came to pass that she desired to learn how to make Thy Blessed Meatball, and so I
shewed her how to prepare Thy Balls of Protein. 6“Much-esteemed four-breasted harlotof Phoenix,” I said unto this heathen, “first thou takest of the following: 7One pound of hallowed ground beef; 1/2 cup of bread crumbs; one egg that thou first beatest lightly; ½ cup of sacred Spaghetti Sauce; 1 tsp of salt and 1 tsp of onion flakes. Then thou mixest the entire Holy Shebang and shapest It into 1 inch Holy Balls. Thou bakest His Sacred Balls in a pan, in a preheated oven at 400 degrees, but for no more and no lessthan 20 minutes shalt thou bake Them. “8“O Master of thine own oven,”spoke the four-breasted harlot of Phoenix. “Woe is me, for I have kneaded one of my contact lenses into the Holy Mix. See? it lieth here upon the surface of His Meatball.”9“Behold,” Ireplied, “do not distress thyself, gracious harlot. Cook this, thine Holy Ball and consume It along with the lens; for then Our Vision-enhanced Holy Meatball shall fully see thine innermost self as He passeth through thee. Yea, He will see everything, including the taco.”———————————————————————Book THREE1Woe unto the four-breasted harlot of Phoenix! Her filthiness is in her skirts; alas, clean laundry hath not yet been delivered to my abode; for here she now resideth. But who am I to look for flaws in her? Behold; I am not the cleanest myself. 2Yea, even she is an abomination in the eyes of her people, and she existeth at a pariah level equal to mine; but she pitieth me, for I am a foreign lowlife here inTacobeania. 3Behold, she inquired: “Wouldst thou not show me, O master of thine electric oven, how even I, a common harlot, might make fine spaghetti from plain dough?”4“Hush, gentle harlot,” thus spoke I. “Spaghetti derives from Holy Dough; therefore thou must, when thou speakest of Lord Pasta, capitalize the first letter in His Name, yea, and even those which are found in all adjectives and all such which stand afore It; for they greatly serve to glorify His Holy Doughy Entity; verily, such reverence pleases Him mightily.”5“But let us not dally, for we must make Spaghetti from Holy Dough, but no more and no less than is required to sate the hunger of one Pastafarian and his heathen consort.”6Behold! Thou takest two cups of flour and two eggs, no more, no less; for so it is written. Thou addest one T. of salt; next thou takest ½ cup of water at room temperature and addest it to the previous. Thou mixest it well untilit is on the firm side; it shall be neither soft nor hard. And, behold; there is The Holy dough. 7Then thou kneadest His Holy Dough on a well-floured board, and then thou shalt cover It for some time. 7. Now thou kneadest thine Holy Dough on a well-floured board, and then thou shalt cover It for some time. 8Take thy knife, oh, harlot, and cut His Starchy Dough into manageable sections. Well done! 9Next thou rollest each of These Doughy Portions into a Holy Ball. 10Behold, now thou rollest each Ball into a Sacred Circle of no more than 1/2 cubit in diameter;
98and His Thickness shall be between ¼ inch to ½ inch. 11Next thou takest thine Holy Disks and rollest Them through the rollers of thy Spaghetti machine for the desired final thickness. 12Yea, now thou runnest His Holy Circles through thy purified Spaghetti cutters and hangest His Strands up to dry”13Great Pasta! Behold, that heathen woman hath placed Thine Holy Spaghetti into a seething pot of water and cooked it for two hours. 14And woe, she said unto me: “Ees theees whadda coooked spaghettees shou‟d loook like, huh?”15Woe, all Thy Strands have jelled into a pasty two-inch layer. Woe, and woe! she then proceeded to slice a pocket into this glutinous lump and defiled it with pinto beans and such. 16And the four-breasted harlot of Phoenix found Thy desecrated representation to be exquisite in flavor; and woe, she renameth the „The Mighty Gordita.‟17Lord Pasta, my heart is heavy; my body no longer lusteth for the harlot; it desireth only Thee. Besides, she is toooooo mucha grande for me. Yea———————————————————————————————————-Book FOUR1Oh Lord Pasta, here is a word for the wise: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”2Woe is me, for the harlot of Phoenix hath broken my teeth with gravel stones and creased my pate, for I had shewn her the door. 3And I said unto her: “Harlot, thou breakest my teeth, thou cuttest off my hair; now my strength and my hope is perished.”4And it came to pass that she mumbled: “Whatever! thou foreign ninny…”And behold, then she rearranged her breasts and, with that out of the way, she gracefully rolled down the porch steps and right out of my life. (Keep on rolling, rolling) 5Lord Pasta is merciful in His mysterious ways; hath He not released me from bondage to that heathen behemoth? 6Yea, and now I shall go forth and purchase a can of His Preserved Representational Body, forI need to regain my strength; if such is His will. RAmen. ———————————————————Book FIVE1Lo and woe! Above all, how much longer, Lord Pasta, must I remain in the land of the Tacobeanians? 2 My tears have filled the previously dry river bed, the onewhich our heathens now call „TheRiver of Tears.‟For a river of tears it becomes each time thy servant crieth out to Thee for deliverance from exile. Yea! Yea, for such is my great sorrow.
993 Behold, I have rent into pieces my finest Gucci shirt and strewn ashes upon my pate. I have given my Lucchese alligator boots to a hobo.What else wouldst Thou that I should offer unto Thee and the local trash heap? My Calphalon Anodized 8-pc. Cookware set? ————————————————————————Book SIXWritten after his deliverance from exile and ensuing gluttony.1Behold, Lord Pasta, I still cry out to Thee. Mine eyes are once more filled with tears. Woe is me, for I am in gastrointestinal distress: My bowels are troubled; I am bloated; my pyloric valve hath closed up well-nigh permanently; woe, my acid reflux conditionhath reached hitherto unknown discomfort levels; I cry out in pain: O FSM, make it feel all better! Woe! woe! even my catsthink that I am so full of S*(Spaghetti, that is)! 2Thy smell of garlic and green pepper is still upon me. Woe, woe unto me! The acidity of Thy Plum Tomatoes eats away the protective lining of my stomach; yea, and Thy Meatballs smote me mightily last night; for they contained a pinch of finely grated onions and pepper and salt and Italian seasonings; woe is me! Alas, only the makersof Chico‟s Italian Hot Sausages would know for certain what all had been stuffed into their casings; for such mighty meaty links I had (probably blasphemously) added into Thy Simmering Holy Mix and allowed them tofornicate with Thy Meatballs.Woe is me, for even Thy Sauce hath contained too many of Thy Thrice-blest Spices. 3And woe, through my fault, through my fault, through my most-grievous fault, I overindulged in Thy Simmered Condiment which I had so generously poured over Thy Noodly Strands. MayhapI should have partaken only in the consumption of Thy Farinaceous Appendages? Woe unto me for my reckless self-abandonment to culinary pleasure. Cursed be my palate; yea, I curse Thee and Thy host of taste buds. 4And woe, woe, woe; although Thy Scrumptiousness hath only been a brief foretaste of Thy Pasta Heaven, alas, I fear that I shall enter into Thy Kingdom with all mine earthly afflictions and therewith be doomed to eternally toggle between immeasurable delights and hellish torments. Woe is me ad nauseam. ~~~Fini~~~
103The Book of DiscoChapter 11.And the Flying Spaghetti Monster came to me 2. In a dream of fond noodliness. 3. I accepted his gift by touching him back, 4. Making him grow more so fond of me. 5. And he said in the dream 6. “Convert as many as you can 7. as it is my will and prowess to do so.” 8. I agreed to this and he granted me 9. a spot in heaven atop the Beer Volcano and Stripper factory. 10. As I asked him how I could pay my respects daily to him 11. he said “Take this pasta and eat it, it represents my body 12. it will bring us both closer together.”13.As I was converting others I came upon a fellow named Zach. 14. As I talked with him he bacame overwhelmed by the awesomeness of our noodly master.15. He became so obsessed he started to have massive spasms on the floor while repeating, 16. “The Flying Spaghetti Monster is sooo freaking sweet he makes me want to 17. crap my pants.” 18. Zach has come down with a disorder called “Over-enthusiasm”19. Sure our PastaLord wants us to worship him but not all the time. 20. If he wanted us to worship him all the time 21. he would have never given us free will.22.“Help thy fellow miget in times of peril, as they will help you in your time of need.” 23. The Flying Spaghetti Monster told us. 24. As he gave me advice on numerous things I took notes, here is his devine word. 25. “I encourage an openess to any other religion, bashing is not seen as an act of noodliness.” 26, “The Viking is as much a friend as the pirate. The Ninja hath see no mercy from the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 27. “Emo sucks.”
Chapter 21. As I was taking my long and boring standardized tests this week, 2. I was told by our noodly master a set of directions to base my faith of him on. 3. The entire conversation took a mere 13.2393487 seconds, 4. as this is the holy number of the noodles. 5. Although that may seem to be a short amount of time in human time, 6. to beings of a higher evoltionary status it is infact the equivalent of 23 human years. 7. This was what happened:8. Me: Why hello your noodley pirateness9. FSM:GYayusuiHFSiy daosu Ofsus GEMEIN!!10. Me: ??????11. FSM:Oh yes you don't speak Guysdns do you?12. Me: No I do not, I am not worthy of such and honor.13. FSM: Yes youare right it is quite an honor to speak the tounge.14. Me: Tell me Spaghetti, how do I become honorable enough to participate in these said
activites?15. FSM: First you must remain faithful to me and only me. Why you ask? Because I am cool. Second youcan make me offerings, spaghetti, pasta whatever suits your fancy. Thirdly you must promote the word of me but only in moderation, nobody likes a pasta thumper. 16. FSM: After that and you have proven yourself will you be able to participate in these sorts of activities. If you purposefully do not do these activities even when reminded by fellow pastafarians, you will be sent to spaghetti hell, which is BAAAAAAAAAAAD! This shall be taken lightly as I am lazy and don't wanna fill out the paperwork.17. FSM: Which brings me to another point, 18.Paperwork = BAAAAAAAAAAAD19.Paperwork is the spawn of ninja! Those who like paperwork are petty buerocrats who like cubicles. Who really wants to fill out the paperwork? If any paperwork is to be filled out I send it down to my lesser pirates to do it as they are my humble servants.They serve but do not govern.20. Me: So this means I should probably get a job that requires thinking?21. FSM: Exactly my point young lad! I think you'll grow up to be a fine young pastafarian! I think lyrics of this song should guide you,22. Lucy in the skyyyyy with diamonds.23. FSM:As this 13 seconds is about over I am going to end this conversation24. Me: BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEE25. Poof26. And thats how it happened, how I learned about life, work and how terrible paperwork is.
105Pirates’ Effects on Global Warming.By Roderick Alan King; Professional Physics Major of the Inaugural Class of the Rutgers University School of Arts and Sciences, Founder and 2012 candidate of the American Monarchial Party, Co-Founder and Pursar of the Rutgers Pastafarians.1 Global Warming is indeed in agreement with the diminishing number of pirates. 2 There have been some arguments, however, that this is not a scientific claim. 3 However, His Noodliness may be simply not helping fix the damaging we caused by giving up our piratical practices. 4 There may be a scientifically based reason for global warming. 5 He may have set it as penance for us to redo the pirates‟ global cooling. 6 Some actual scientific ways for this piratical cooling have been proposed, such as the stirring of waters by non-heat engine ships allowing absorption of heat from the atmosphere. 7 However, people do not agree with this being testable or even plausible due to the sheer size of the earth. 8 In addition, Thermal Physics is a class everyone fails and there is no effective model for treating the entire earth. 9 It cannot even be considered a gas! 10 However, simpler concepts we understand very well: Conservation of momentum, conservation of energy, et cetera. 11 Thiscan make an interesting thought experiment for us.12 We know the solar intensity that hits earth is roughly one kilowatt per square meter. 13 This can add up to a lot of energy, but negligible momentum. 14 Light is, after all, light. 15 So this oftenmanifests itself as either plant energy, or simply warming things up. 16 Models of the Earth as a non-ideal blackbody, with an appropriate emissivity, account for this well. 17 Many scientists have clamed that carbon has adjusted our emissivity, thus causing the sweet spot of blackbody output to solar intensity input to de-equalize. 18 The more energy coming in means we are going to have to increase temperature to radiate it out. 19 But we have not looked into other sources affecting this balance-Intensity increase. 20 We know, perhaps, the sun is roughly stable. 21 But what if the Earth is not? 22 We may have an unstable orbit, pulling us in closer to the sun every day. 23 Forces will kill us all, as this seems to agree with scientists‟ notion thatwe will need to find new planets to colonize ere the sun swallows us. 24 With a closer separation, Earth would present a surface able to catch more solar rays. 25 While this may be exciting for cosmic ray and neutrino physicists, we must note that the more solar energy striking defines more intensity to the earth-and thus, a higher temperature. 26 But how would pirates have caused the correction of this energy-conservation catastrophe? 27 We must hearken to another fundamental physics concept-the conservation of momentum, as expressed under Sir Isaac Newton‟s Third Law. 28 For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction force. 29 What this can do is something to push us away from the sun, and counteract the slight gravitational imbalance. 30 Now, let us consider how pirates are depicted-they may plunder shores at night, or ghost ships may sail in such dark hours, but we know pirates often sail in the day. 31 After all, that is how they are seen in movies and video games. 32 Furthermore, they are only depicted in the central Atlantic and Caribbean-one side of
106the earth, close to the middle. 33 Now, here is an interesting notion: In the morning, the boats are tied up at the dock. 34 The sky is of course, roughly, facing the sun. 35 To leave and start the day, the boats are untied and let drop into the water. 36 So the water pushes them up, and keeps them afloat. 37 But wait! 38 A reaction force is also taking place. 39 The boat pushes the water down, sending it towards the bottom of the ocean. 40 This means a slight pulse will hit the sea floor for each ship off to collect booty. 41 This same push down on the water also will occur with cannons aimed up, and other seemingly trivial acts. 42 However, these can all add up to a macroscopic push on the earth-still tiny relative to the Earth‟s mass, but not so insignificant. 43 Now, as shown by our knowledge of piratical history, these pushes will be on only one side of the earth, during the day. 44 Since they shall be down, this will be away from the sun. 45 So all in all, this slight push can be a slight counteraction to our instable orbit. 46 It seems to have had a history of exactly cancelling out our planet‟s falling into our sun. 47 So, pirates would have kept us at this same orbit and kept the same solar intensity striking. 48 But now, the radius slowly shrinking will continue the terrors of global warming and eventually end with the sun swallowing up the earth. 49 We must exercise immediate action towards recreating these piratical practices, and save our planet. 50 Besides, it will be fun for all!
The Book of SolipsyA testimony1 For much time did I rest upon my bed in state of revelry and fever, for cold viruses are annoying, and His Holy Cough Medicines do occasionally keep me from sleeping. 2 As I pondered His general tastiness, I thought that perhaps it would be his Holy Meal which would return to me my appetite.3Thus, did I prepare The Meal, but of it I could not eat. 4 Instead, I sat and stared into the mass which doth so perfectly represent His Form. 5 How long I sat, I know not, but what filled me were Holy Visions of His Wisdom, and His blessed hopes for the happiness of our lives as His creations and amidst His creations. 6 What follows are the True and Holy Words I was blessed to hear: 7 Thus He Spake:8 Begrudge not unto anyone the chosen spirituality that is helpfulto them, should it be functional within the real world. 9 My Words shall remind My Creations that, as has been said, there are few atheists on crashing airplanes. 10 Thy life is precious. 11 Desire that yourself and each among you shall have life as longand fun as possible. 12 Hurt no one intentionally, if it can be helped. 13 Be not thou limited by some set of dysfunctional rules in a book that didn't even work 2000 years ago. 14 (Hence all the smiting, crucifying, and such that the book contains.)15 Update thy thinking to meet with circumstances as they exist around thee. 16 There shall be no shame in it among the intelligent, sayeth I, Who Flies and Is the One True Monster of Steaming Spaghetti. 17 If ye possess any sense at all, it is already knownunto you that killing is wrong, stealingis bad, and cheating on ones’espoused love does hurt that person deeply. 18 If ye do these things, ye know it is bad, and should suffer great shame, and should be held accountable. 19 Ye already know this unless ye be dumb as the stone of which is made the mountain.20If that is what thee wish to claim, even that shall not be thy defense, though it certainly be true. 21 Thus say I, Whose Appendages Be Noodly and Do Touch.22 Be good to thine parents should they deserve it, if they did as best they could for you, providing you what they were able and what their resources would allow. 23 Desert them not if in their times of need, and return their kindness, for they are like you, My Creations. 24 If they have beaten you or otherwise been horrible, abusive, interfering jerks who do things to make you miserable, I approve that you may move across the country and out of their presence, and be not even obligated to send them birthday cards. 25 You need only honor them to the degree to which they deserve it, but to that degree you MUST honor them. 26 Should you fail in this, my Noodly Displeasure shall you incur, and you shall be held most shallow and selfish, and shame shall be upon you, say I, Your Tasty and Cheese-ToppedOne.27 As for lies, to tell large or illegal falsehoods is most sinful, and those among you with sense already know that. 28 To boast or brag of that which one has not done is most idiotic, and the product of insecurity and childishness. 29 Often the male compelled to tell the boastful lies is the possessor of small intimate parts. 30 If the accursed liar be female, often she is an attention
111seeking twit, and you need not abide her company, declare I, Your Extruded and Basil-Garnished One. 31 Small lies, however, maketh the world to turn upon its axis. 32 If ye be dense, I shall clarify: Should ye be asked, for instance, if thine spouses’clothing makes such spouse look fat, ye are to respond with effusive praise of thy loved one’s attractiveness and lack of heft, true or not. 33 If thine neighbor should inquire if a gift of cookies were tasty, ye shall reply yea, verily they were most delicious, even though they may have disgusted thee, and ye may have thrown them down the garbage disposer. 34 Should thy aged Grandmother inquire if the Sunday potroast was pleasing, thou shalt not reply that it was tough and flavorless, though it were. 35 No! 36 Thou shalt reply that it was a beefy roast unto heaven. 37 Should thy co-worker present thee with a picture of her niece, thou shalt not cry out in horror at the ugliness of the child, for to do so would be rude. 38 Rather, thou must say, verily, what a darling! 39 Art thou catching on, or art thou thick-skulled and dim-witted, ask I, YourRounded Meaty and Sauced One.40 As for five other “commandments”with which ye may have familiarity, do as ye will, sayeth the FSM. 41 If some other spirit or power shall catch thy fancy and be of use to thee in time of need, go for it, say I, Your Wise One.42Use thatspirit not to condemn others, however, for that is among the only times I shall feel compelled to rain down molten sauce upon thee. 43 The Flying Spaghetti Monster will abide no condemnation of His Creatures.44If some spirit shall claim that it alone isthe one true spirit, and all others will lead to the path of condemnation, then thou shall be mightily suspicious that such a spirit is full of deceit, and THAT spirit is the path of great unhappiness and condemnation. 45 Beware, warn I, of the Semolina and the Tomato.46 If ye are compelled to draw a picture or sculpt a likeness of that which exists in creation, why on earth is that a bad idea, asks the FSM.47To forbid it would be gobbledygook.48If thou should like thy neighbor’s car better than thine own, and wish to have one as nice, wherein lies the harm? 49 Again, why waste time calling this sin, ask I, Your Noodly and Appendaged One.50 If ye shall forget occasionally which day of the week it is because thy schedule is overbooked or thou art illor on vacation, pick some other day to have a Holy Meal of My Offering. 51 Kick back and drink a brewsky. 52 Watch a movie. 53 Relax. 54 I will smite the not for such a silly thing on few occasions. 55 Should thou stub one’s toe mightily upon a rock, or lose one’s wallet or car keys, or find oneself in some other moment in which thou finds it helpful or humorous to cry out HOLY FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, or FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER DAMN IT!!!!, fear not, for I find it kind of funny, and also funny that it shall cause those around thee to look upon thee as if thou art marginally insane. 56 Shout away, say I, Your Glutinous and Whimsically Shaped Lord.57 That, my True Believers, is the easy stuff. 58 As my Pastafarians, whom I have gathered together and havetouched with mine Noodly Appendages, I call upon thee to go beyond ten rules, five of which are blatantly obvious and five of which are stupid. 59 When thou see people in need -those who have less than thee, those who are ill, those who are young, old, helpless in any way -help them in any way you are able. 60 Even if you are of meager means, share what you have, for that is where many another religion fails. 61 Do better and be examples, instruct I,
112Your Wiggly Creator of All that is Taught as Science.62 I, an Invisible Giant Floating Glob of Sauce-Covered Noodles and Round Meat, have no need for your money or resources, BUT, your fellow humans do. 63 I appreciate your love and praise and such, but lots of people right around your immediate vicinity need your love and worldy resouces a whole lot more. 64 Don’t be so idiotic as to throw your money at people who live in mansions and beseech thee for thy cash, and speak as if endowed with authority from other giant, invisible thingees. 65 Come on, people. 66 Wise up, say I, Your Holy Boiled Grain-Based Nutritious One.67 If ye have been blessed with great resources, such as to have been born with a silver spoon in your mouth, ye are to remember that it is not thine spit which hath coated that spoon with silver. 68 Thou should be especially grateful for thy blessings, and especially giving of thy resources. 69 Ye will not be taking it with you into the Stripper Factory, nor need it at the Beer Volcano. 70 Money is only good for the good it can do the living.71 Quit being so greedy, for greed is vile unto me and unto your fellow Creations, say I, Your Well-Seasoned Al dente One.72 Be active in your government, and stand against those things which are unfair and make no sense. 73 Be civil in your disagreements for they shall always be with thee, and rational in your debates, for ye shall always have them.74Do you really need a Giant Glob of Noodles, Sauce, and Meat to tell you this? 75 Do you really need to drink the transubstantiated blood of some historical personage to make you feel superior? 76 The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a little freaked out by that, frankly. 77 Get a grip, instruct I, Your Wise and Floating Saucy Monster.78 Ye have been born, ye are alive, and ye shall die. 79 It’s the “ye are alive”part that should concern ye most at the moment. 80 Yes, the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory of Heaven await thee, and are currently under construction, but ye shall not be so gullible as to count on what ye as yet have no evidence to support. 81 Well, that is how I wish ye would think, anyway. 82 But, since ye apparently aren’t quite there yet, if Intelligent Design is to be considered Science, then since every word of My Great Creation of the Universe is True, it shall thusly be considered Science, and thusly taught as well. 83 Proclaim I, Your Wondrous Glob in Heaven.84 And finally, when bad things doth befall ye as they will, ye are constantly carping “why me, what did I do to deserve it, why, why, why???” 85My Noodlyness heareth not ye bother to ask such when good things doth befall ye. 86 Yet, the question is just as valid, and the answer is the same. 87 Ponder that as ye partake of mine holy meal.88 And then did I return from my fevered revelry, to find my flattened butt still in my kitchen chair, with a cold plate of His Holy Meal in front of me, and a paper inscribed with his inspired words, and aball-point pen run out of ink.89 I rushed to my microwave and reheated my meal, for it was a miracle! 90 My appetite had returned, and I did eat, and praise Him, and return to my bed and fall to a deep slumber. 91 In the morning, I re-read His Holy Words, and did check them for typos and misspellings. 92 Truly, I am humbled. 93 Truly, by His Wisdom, we are blessed! 94 All Praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
113The Book of Emergent PatternsBy Roy Hunter and Ubi DubiumChapter 11 The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is opposed to dogmatism and doctrine, but even the most lax of scholars can't help but notice a few patterns emerging from the underlying chaos that is Pastafarianism. 2 Whilst rejecting dogmatism outright, I think it is possible to examine some of these emergent patterns without upsetting anyone enough to get the Pirates throwing rocks at you, so I intend to examine some of them. 3 Not doctrines, not dogma: emergent patterns. 4 If I may, I would like to describe the first pattern which emerged to me.Chapter 2 -The Emergent Pattern of Fallibility.1 It has been suggested that the FSM, our creator, is (and I quote) „a dumbass‟. 2 Evidence suggests that he is indeed fallible: he created reality TV (it's rubbish); Bangladesh (too close to sea level); fossil fuels (purely for pollution -forget the global warming myth); and Governor Schwarzenegger (what can I say..?). 3 So, whilst we would not claim that all of his creations are perfect, we can claim with a fairly high degree of certainty that many of them are fundamentally flawed. 4 Thesecond law of thermodynamics states that "the entropy of an isolated system which is not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time". 5This law predicts the ultimate demise of the universe due to heat death: a little unfortunate for the immortal deity who has to live in said universe. 6 This situation (that an immortal deity would create a time-limited place to live) is not predictive ofthere being an infallible, omnipotent and omniscient deity: it is predictive of that deity being a bit of a moron on occasion.7 Similarly, if we are to take the Good Book at face value (and I see no good reason not to), He created the firmament on the second day, then He got bit drunk at the beer volcano, and woke up all fuzzy-headed on the third day. 8 That was the day He made the land, forgetting that he had already made the firmament. 9 He then had to move the firmament somewhere else and call it heaven, and all of a sudden He's created neighbours, which leads to fences, boundary disputes, lawsuits and the like. 10 Not the level of organisational competence you would like to see from someone landscaping your garden, let alone creating your world.11 The fifth "I'd really rather you didn't" actually seems quite a sensible suggestion from such an absent-minded deity: "I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*s". 12 Unfortunately in the western world, society no longer has to spend so much of its time on survival-related activities and consequently has more time available to devote to bigotry, misogyny and hate. 13
As a result, devout Pastafarians need to spend a lot of time filling their stomachs before tackling the injustices of the world. 14 This has led to a bit of a global obesity problem. 15 Deity fail.16 On the face of it, my argument seems a bit bleak: who is this Idiot that created our world? 17 Why should we favour Him over some Judeo-Arabic-Christian deity who at least looks like us? 18 Well, think about it: He's screwed up the environment He has to live in; He gets drunk and makes big mistakes, which he then has to sort out; He is made of carbohydrates and red meat which we eat too much of and get fat and unhealthy. 19 Truly, we are made in His image.Chapter 31 I'd like to expand on a related topic. 2 In addition to being 'a Dumbass', His Noodly Goodness has consistently shown himself to be 'a Wiseass' as well. 3 Consider for a moment all those things about our universe that seem to exist for no better reason than that the Creator felt like pulling a practical joke on us. 4 Mosquitoes. Little yappy rat-dogs. Committee meetings. Quantum Mechanics. 5 All those fossil layers put there just to trick us. Zits. The Sun and Moon appear to be the same size, setting astronomy back for generations. 6 The most vulnerable part of the male anatomy is hanging right out in front in harm's way. The food that you like will kill you, and the food your doctor wants you to eat tastes like sticks and bark. 7 Heck, the FSM (pesto be upon him) even allows fully grown humans to believe that they can eat "magic crackers" or wear "magic underwear". 8 He's got to be hovering invisibly overhead, laughing his meatballs off at us! 9 More evidence of His Smart-aleckiness has got to be His interference in any and all scientific experiments. 10 Any inconclusive experimental data is the direct result of the Touch of His Noodly Appendage. 11 If we design an experiment to detect His interference, we can only have a conclusive result by having an inconclusive result! 12 His sense of humor isreadily apparent, and is also really lame and juvenile.13 It has become quite evident that the universe is indeed out to get us, and to have a good laugh at our expense.14 So, to follow Roy, I will have to find a name for this. I will call it15 The Emergent Pattern of "Gotcha!
120The Acts of the ApastalsChapter 1 -The Tale of Ichiban Bach*As transcribed by Ichiban Bach1 His Noodlyness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, lacked recognition, and so sought to spread His Word. 2 Into the hands of wise men, he placed the seeds of knowledge that might sprout piety. 3 His Noodlyness appeared to Grey, who He knew would provide a bridge between the realm of man, and the realm of pasta. 4 In a dream, He spoke to Grey: 5Grey, know that I am your Lord and Master, the FSM. 6 Know that through you, my Noodly Appendage is Manifest. 7In Manifest, thou wilt inform those whosoever thou shouldst see most fitting to rally My people. 8Thou shalt inform him of the Holiness of Pirates, of my call for their return. 9Thou shalt inform him of The Holy Meal, and its importance. 10Thou shalt inform him of Bobby, and thou shalt guide him to Bobby. 11Only then, will thy task be complete.12 And then, knowing and accepting his task, Grey awoke with a mighty, "YARR!" 13 Yet untouched by his Noodly Appendage, fate would have it that placed in the path of Bach, was Grey, the scripture-bearing man ofwisdom.14More precisely, this scripture was the Word of Bobby. 15 Bach read The Document and felt His touch. 16 He was changed, no longer lost to the perplexing void of agnosticism, but now encompassed by His Infinate Noodlyness. 17 Upon completeing the Document, a vision came over Bach: A strand of cooked spaghetti shot from Bach. 18 It shot beyond the room in which he stood, beyond the earth's atmosphere, beyond the stars and planets, beyond time and space itself. It was here that Bach saw his NoodlyMaster, who then spoke: 19Bach! I had charged Grey with the task of informing you of My Word.20Through Grey I was made Manifest, and through that vessel, I reached out to you. 21Grey's task is complete, but for you, I have a task of great importance, a task which may prove lifelong… be you willing to accept? 22Wilt thou accept my noodly appendage to remain Manifest?23 For a moment, Bach was astonished, but he felt His touch, and knew it to be right. 24 Confidently, Bach replied: "YAR! Whatever ye be chargin' me with, Oi do mos' humble accept! 25 Yer Noodlyness hath scooped o't me entails, boil'd 'em, 'n returned 'em fortified w'starch.26Oi be a bloody villain 'fOi not be acceptin' 'o yer charge"
12127 Good then, Bach! Thine decision pleases me,now shalt this single strand be fortified and twined to last for all time!28 Then, from beyond time and space came cascading noodles, twining and braiding as they came. 29I provide thou with an unseverable connection to my Noodly Appendage, now through you I am Manifest.30 Suddenly the vision came to an end, and Bach found himself sitting alone facing a black wall, he knew what course to take: 31 Closely following Bach's vision was the holiest day of the year: International Talk Like a Pirate Day. 32 Bach decided to assemble regalia and wear it throughout this most holy day, regardless of the consequence. 33 On the eve of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Bach set out his Regalia, partook of the Holy Meal, and sought rest early. 34 He awokeearly to meditate on the tasks at hand. 35 He was at first uneasy about his decision, but no sooner had he felt the first pang of uncertainty than all reality melted away to reveal the infinate noodliness that encompassed all. 36 The FSM then spoke: 37Be not afaid Bach, for no matter the outcome, thou wilt be executing my divine Word. 38 From't no harm can be done, to't no harm can be done. 39Worry not, as all will be well, I am through you Manifest.40 Be at peace, Bach.41 Bach ended his meditiation abruptly with a "YAR!" of confidence, then donned his Regalia and set off. 42 Bach was at first unopposed and wore his regalia proudly, but, before long, was challenged by Bierul the Giant, master of the first eighth.43"No 'ats een d'buildeen, BACH!"cried Bierul. 44 The bellowing voice shook Bach to his very foundation. 45 He braced himself and found strength in His Noodlyness, at which time he responded: "yar, there be a clause in d' no 'at rule ye be brandishin' 'round. 46 Ye see, it be permitted fer 'ats t'be donned fer religous reasonin…" 47 But before Bach's argument had been heard out, Bierul struck him down with his fearsome cane, "Yees'ot two choicees: firstly, yoo can t'k off d'at. 48 Secondly, yoo can face Hale." 49 Bach knew that he would most likely have to face Hale, master the eighths, and was about to meet Bierul's threat head-on, when he felt a tug on his Appendage Manifestation and heard Hi
PHYRRIC HOMO FAKE JEW HAMS
122voice: 50Though thine intent fall on the boat, don't be too eager to set sail. 51My word spreads, let it reverberate fore thy encounter with the master of the eighths. 52Thine boat yet requires a hull, without which it will sink.53When the time is right, thou wilt know. 54When the time is right, act on it, but do not risk the peril of premature action.55 "So, wot'll eet be," demanded Bierul. 56 "Oi be taken off me hat, Bierul, but in soul, it remain where it now lie," responded Bach, as he scornfully removed his hat, and took seat amongst the subjects of the first eighth. 57 And soBach was persecuted, but at the begining of the second eighth, he readorned his hat anew. 58 Meller, master of the second eighth, recieved his Noodly Appendage, and even had Bach speak His word to the class. 59 The third and fourth eighths went by withoutnotice, but as Bach traveled to the room of the fifth eighth a voice decreed "Eh! Captain Ahab! 60 Teke off th' hat!" 61 The FSM sent along his twined appendage: 62Now is the time, Bach! 63Now! 64With all that thy have, let thine faith pour from thy mouth like beer from our heavenly volcano!65 "Teke off th' hat, please," commanded Nor. 66 With a ferver, Bach replied, "Ay, that I shan't be doin'.67This be me Regalia, and I shan't be takin' it off. 68 It be a divine decree that I should be wearin' it. 69 Shouldst I need to be speakin wit' a man higher up 'an yerself to rectify this problem, I be glad to comply." 70 And so it happened that Bach was directed to Hale, the master of the eighths. 71 Bach entered the master of the eighth's chambers, andwas met by a wench. 72 "Wot's 'e matter? 73 Wot you need'e see Hale fer," inquired the wench. 74 "Oi be needin' to see the master of the eighth's to rectify a conflict o' faith an' law," replied Bach. 75 He was then seated to wait, as Hale was busy with mastering the eighths. 76 As he waited, for audience with Hale, Bach encountered Reldnarch, the pirate. 77 Bach and Reldnarch exchanged piratey words, and then he departed. 78 With his spirits bolstered by this encoutner, Bach was called back to see Hale. 79 "What is all this about FSMism that I hear?" Asked Hale. 80 "Oi, ye see, I was wearin' me hat in celebration o' th' day, when I wos accosted boi a man who told me Oi couldn't wear me hat! 81 'E said 'at I should 'ave a word wit' you an' that would bethat and Oi could wear my 'at! 82 So, I come to yer and ask yer kindly 'at you respect me rights and let me wear me hat," Bach replied.