LOVE DERPINA
12383 Hale stared at Bach for a moment, unsure of what to say. 84 Out of this moment of silence Bach's confidence grew, and when Hale spoke, it almost did not matter what words he would speak, for nothing he could possibly say would sway Bach's faith. 85 "Well, you see: We only have one instance where an individual is allowed to wear a hat here, and he had a letter from a religious figure. 86 If you can obtain such a letter, we might resume this conversation," said Hale. 87 With this ultimatum, Bach was barred from wearing his hat, however, he contacted His Holyness, Bobby, for a letter of the required specifications.Author‟s Note: This is where my story ends for now, as Bobby has agreed to write me a letter, but has not yet done so. Also, this is a rough draft, subject to change. I hope you all enjoy it, I know thatI enjoyed writing it. RAmen!Chapter 2 –The Martyrdom of Tristan the Martyr*As transcribed by Platypus Enthusiast as regailed unto him by Tristan the Martyr and Tall John Silver1 It was a dark and stormy school day. 2 My sister's-fiance's-son aka my nephew had a school assignment where he had to write a letter to the society of the future about his religion. 3 My nephew, Tristan, a devout and proud Pastafarian decided he would write about us. 4 His teacher, however,thought it was dumb and that he was just screwing around and took ten points off. 5 Tristan's dad, Tall John, a Pastafarian-sympathizer, wrote apowerfulletter back to the teacher explaining how FSMism is legit and saying she would never do the same thing if the paper was about Judaism or Scientology. 6 The teacher, realizing that she was being discriminatory (and maybe noticing the irony that the letter is about religions intolerance), decided to change the grade. 7 She gave him back five points, but kept the other fiveoff for not proofreading, though there didn't seem to be a problem with his spelling and grammarthe first time she graded it. 8 Now five points doesn‟t seem like a huge deal, but it is the principle of the thing.9 Tristan took it like a man and was pretty proud of the incident. 10 But persecution and inequality is a fate worse than dancing the hempen jig. 11 Maybe some day we will be accepted
FOR THE fLYING sPAGHETTI mONSTER GAVE US dERPINA TO RIDE THE STORMS OF WOW
128An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife*As transcribedby Solipsy and Auntie Dee DeeA Note from the Second Council of Olive Garden:This was formerly the First Announcement Regarding Canonical Belief, but we moved it here to the Epastals section as it is a more appropriate genre.1 An ancient and venerable sage spoke unto the Pastaists of all the divisions, unto the Noodleists, and unto the Maranarists, the Fettucinians, the Pastafarians, and all of the great Pasta-based members of the Holy and Delicious Faith, and said: 2 It is my contention that a loving God of any kind would not Damn someone to Hell. 3 Darning them to Heck would be a problem for a supposedly intelligent creator. 4 Lakes of fire, boiling waters, sauces, etc, aren't a good choice. 5 If you want to attract "justified" persons, portray just rewards and punishments. 6 If you want to attract lunatics and sadists, portray violent punishments. 7 There will be a kind of HellLight, where unbelievers have to live with school cafeteria spaghetti, second rate beer, and boring jobs in the service industries where the Heavenbound FSMists will be living. 8 There will be no privation, no physical torture, no burning or boiling in various liquids. 9 These aren't bad people, these are people that followed the culture and customs of their times and did not recognize the difference between a culture and a faith. 10 Actual FSM Hell is reserved for a very few, and those will be divided from the Pasta, the finest beverages and the fellowship of persons of good will and kind intent. 11 They will do all the laundry, cleaning and heavy or unpleasant jobs that are there. 12 Never will they eat of the Pasta of any kind, but will live on lots of beans and rice, potatoes and extremely cheap cuts of meat, and the type of diet that the American urban poor can afford, or that Senior Citizens and disabled persons on Social Security are reduced to. 13 They get the really icky dirty work. 14 They deserve it. 15 The bullies of the geopolitical world will be there, and their helpers. 16 The false religious leaders, who plead for funds through electronic media, and give nothing of their true selves, and hoard the money and live in opulence, they will be there. 17 Many others of ill-intent will be with them. 18 There is a reservation there for the tricksters, the con-men, the Abramoff et al/Delay contingent, who will begin every work day by licking clean the footwear of every Native
FOR DERPINA TRULY THUGG LYFED WITH MEMEFAGS
129American person there, even in Hell Light. 19 Also there will be the promulgators of the horrible practices against the indigenous people of every country ever "modernized" by Western Civilization. 20 They lick boots as well. 21 And when they're through they get to do all the stuff that nobody in the Hell above them want to do. 22 Not a real burning-in type hell, no boiling lakes of fire, just an appropriate 'reward'.23 No more lunatics and sadists, please. 24 The current administration's quite enough. 25 Other people have other ideas, but then again other people are promoting Holy War, too. 26 Don't do that in the name of our FSM. 27 That's not the Way to Do Things Right.
134Pirate Aaahhhhrrrrr’s Letter to the PrivateersChapter 11 Aaahhhhrrrrr, a Pirate and Pastafarian by the will of His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to the buccaneers which are at sea, and to the faithful privateers in Pasta:2 Ahoy!3 Blessed be yer booty, and may yer coffers never empty. May ye all be fruitful (so as not to contract scurvy) and multiply (so as to be good at math).4 Yer last missive greeted me in the same post as a letter I received from me brother, who lives in the City of the Red Stick, recently inundated by refugees from the great storm of Katrina. I hope this explains me tardiness in me response.5 Tis heart-warming to this humble man of the sea to know yer daughter is doing well in college. Has yer wife received a new peg-leg from the good Doctor Davey Jones?6 Ye asked me whether I would again tell the story of the great Volcano of Beer. While I am loth to speak of it, even when it is so far in me past, I will tell the tale again, with hope that you will spread the message of His Noodliness and how the Pastafarian heaven kicks the booty of the heavens of the false gods, and I mean not the usual definition of "booty", mind ye.7 Here is the story then, as I be rememberin' it.Chapter 21 'Twas a dark and stormy night, to be sure. Me ship the Trouser Snake was rockin and knockin.2 First Mate One-Eye Johnson had taken the helm while I went back to me stateroom to ponder over a few of me treasure maps. I had me candles and lanterns lit, but most of the light was coming through me window from the storm's lightning.3 I was ignorant of it at the time, but I suspect the lightning was actually the many and countless noodly appendages of our Creator, may His meatballs never whither.4 I be but a humble pirate, but truly I believe He was reaching down to me and me ship. I found out for certain when one of the blinding appendages reached straight through the hard wood of the Trouser Snake, into me stateroom, and struck me for dead.
FOR DERPINA KISSED A SNEK
AND IT WAS GOOD
AND MANY WOULD COME TO FIND DERPINA IN THEIR HEART FOR KISSING SNEKS
TASTEY LAB RATS FROM A QUEER EUGENICS INDEED