Suck on a memo platypus
“Pirates’ Effects on Global Warming.
By Roderick Alan King; Professional Physics Major of the Inaugural Class of the Rutgers University School of Arts and Sciences, Founder and 2012 candidate of the American Monarchial Party, Co-Founder and Pursar of the Rutgers Pastafarians.
1 Global Warming is indeed in agreement with the diminishing number of pirates. 2 There have been some arguments, however, that this is not a scientific claim. 3 However, His Noodliness may be simply not helping fix the damaging we caused by giving up our piratical practices. 4 There may be a scientifically based reason for global warming. 5 He may have set it as penance for us to redo the pirates' global cooling. 6 Some actual scientific ways for this piratical cooling have been proposed, such as the stirring of waters by non-heat engine ships allowing absorption of heat”
“from the atmosphere. 7 However, people do not agree with this being testable or even plausible due to the sheer size of the earth. 8 In addition, Thermal Physics is a class everyone fails and there is no effective model for treating the entire earth. 9 It cannot even be considered a gas! 10 However, simpler concepts we understand very well: Conservation of momentum, conservation of energy, et cetera. 11 This can make an interesting thought experiment for us.
12 We know the solar intensity that hits earth is roughly one kilowatt per square meter. 13 This can add up to a lot of energy, but negligible momentum. 14 Light is, after all, light. 15 So this often manifests itself as either plant energy, or simply warming things up. 16 Models of the Earth as a non-ideal blackbody, with an appropriate emissivity, account for this well. 17 Many scientists have clamed that carbon has adjusted our emissivity, thus causing the sweet spot of blackbody output to solar intensity input to de-equalize. 18 The more”
“energy coming in means we are going to have to increase temperature to radiate it out. 19 But we have not looked into other sources affecting this balance- Intensity increase. 20 We know, perhaps, the sun is roughly stable. 21 But what if the Earth is not? 22 We may have an unstable orbit, pulling us in closer to the sun every day. 23 Forces will kill us all, as this seems to agree with scientists' notion that we will need to find new planets to colonize ere the sun swallows us. 24 With a closer separation, Earth would present a surface able to catch more solar rays. 25 While this may be exciting for cosmic ray and neutrino physicists, we must note that the more solar energy striking defines more intensity to the earth- and thus, a higher temperature.
26 But how would pirates have caused the correction of this energy- conservation catastrophe? 27 We must hearken to another fundamental physics concept- the conservation of momentum, as expressed”
“under Sir Isaac Newton's Third Law. 28 For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction force. 29 What this can do is something to push us away from the sun, and counteract the slight gravitational imbalance. 30 Now, let us consider how pirates are depicted- they may plunder shores at night, or ghost ships may sail in such dark hours, but we know pirates often sail in the day. 31 After all, that is how they are seen in movies and video games. 32 Furthermore, they are only depicted in the central Atlantic and Caribbean- one side of the earth, close to the middle. 33 Now, here is an interesting notion: In the morning, the boats are tied up at the dock. 34 The sky is of course, roughly, facing the sun. 35 To leave and start the day, the boats are untied and let drop into the water. 36 So the water pushes them up, and keeps them afloat. 37 But wait! 38 A reaction force is also taking place. 39 The boat pushes the water down, sending it towards the bottom of the ocean. 40 This means a”
“slight pulse will hit the sea floor for each ship off to collect booty. 41 This same push down on the water also will occur with cannons aimed up, and other seemingly trivial acts. 42 However, these can all add up to a macroscopic push on the earth- still tiny relative to the Earth's mass, but not so insignificant. 43 Now, as shown by our knowledge of piratical history, these pushes will be on only one side of the earth, during the day. 44 Since they shall be down, this will be away from the sun. 45 So all in all, this slight push can be a slight counteraction to our instable orbit. 46 It seems to have had a history of exactly cancelling out our planet's falling into our sun. 47 So, pirates would have kept us at this same orbit and kept the same solar intensity striking. 48 But now, the radius slowly shrinking will continue the terrors of global warming and eventually end with the sun swallowing up the earth. 49 We must exercise immediate action towards recreating these piratical practices, and save our”
Excerpt From: The Loose Canon. “The Prayer Book.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.
“planet. 50 Besides, it will be fun for all!”
Excerpt From: The Loose Canon. “The Prayer Book.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.
“The Book of Solipsy
A testimony
1 For much time did I rest upon my bed in state of revelry and fever, for cold viruses are annoying, and His Holy Cough Medicines do occasionally keep me from sleeping. 2 As I pondered His general tastiness, I thought that perhaps it would be his Holy Meal which would return to me my appetite. 3 Thus, did I prepare The Meal, but of it I could not eat. 4 Instead, I sat and stared into the mass which doth so perfectly represent His Form. 5 How long I sat, I know not, but what filled me were Holy Visions of His Wisdom, and His blessed hopes for the happiness of our lives as His creations and amidst His creations. 6 What follows are the True and Holy Words I was blessed to hear:
7 Thus He Spake:”
“8 Begrudge not unto anyone the chosen spirituality that is helpful to them, should it be functional within the real world. 9 My Words shall remind My Creations that, as has been said, there are few atheists on crashing airplanes. 10 Thy life is precious. 11 Desire that yourself and each among you shall have life as long and fun as possible. 12 Hurt no one intentionally, if it can be helped. 13 Be not thou limited by some set of dysfunctional rules in a book that didn't even work 2000 years ago. 14 (Hence all the smiting, crucifying, and such that the book contains.) 15 Update thy thinking to meet with circumstances as they exist around thee. 16 There shall be no shame in it among the intelligent, sayeth I, Who Flies and Is the One True Monster of Steaming Spaghetti.
17 If ye possess any sense at all, it is already known unto you that killing is wrong, stealing is bad, and cheating on ones’ espoused love does hurt that person deeply. 18 If ye do these things, ye know it is bad, and should suffer great shame, and should be held accountable. 19 Ye already”
“know this unless ye be dumb as the stone of which is made the mountain. 20 If that is what thee wish to claim, even that shall not be thy defense, though it certainly be true. 21 Thus say I, Whose Appendages Be Noodly and Do Touch.
22 Be good to thine parents should they deserve it, if they did as best they could for you, providing you what they were able and what their resources would allow. 23 Desert them not if in their times of need, and return their kindness, for they are like you, My Creations. 24 If they have beaten you or otherwise been horrible, abusive, interfering jerks who do things to make you miserable, I approve that you may move across the country and out of their presence, and be not even obligated to send them birthday cards. 25 You need only honor them to the degree to which they deserve it, but to that degree you MUST honor them. 26 Should you fail in this, my Noodly Displeasure shall you incur, and you shall be held most shallow and selfish, and shame shall be upon you, say I, Your Tasty and Cheese-Topped One.”
“27 As for lies, to tell large or illegal falsehoods is most sinful, and those among you with sense already know that. 28 To boast or brag of that which one has not done is most idiotic, and the product of insecurity and childishness. 29 Often the male compelled to tell the boastful lies is the possessor of small intimate parts. 30 If the accursed liar be female, often she is an attention-seeking twit, and you need not abide her company, declare I, Your Extruded and Basil-Garnished One.
31 Small lies, however, maketh the world to turn upon its axis. 32 If ye be dense, I shall clarify: Should ye be asked, for instance, if thine spouses’ clothing makes such spouse look fat, ye are to respond with effusive praise of thy loved one’s attractiveness and lack of heft, true or not. 33 If thine neighbor should inquire if a gift of cookies were tasty, ye shall reply yea, verily they were most delicious, even though they may have disgusted thee, and ye may have thrown them down the garbage disposer. 34 Should thy aged”
“Grandmother inquire if the Sunday potroast was pleasing, thou shalt not reply that it was tough and flavorless, though it were. 35 No! 36 Thou shalt reply that it was a beefy roast unto heaven. 37 Should thy co-worker present thee with a picture of her niece, thou shalt not cry out in horror at the ugliness of the child, for to do so would be rude. 38 Rather, thou must say, verily, what a darling! 39 Art thou catching on, or art thou thick-skulled and dim-witted, ask I, Your Rounded Meaty and Sauced One.
40 As for five other “commandments” with which ye may have familiarity, do as ye will, sayeth the FSM. 41 If some other spirit or power shall catch thy fancy and be of use to thee in time of need, go for it, say I, Your Wise One. 42 Use that spirit not to condemn others, however, for that is among the only times I shall feel compelled to rain down molten sauce upon thee. 43 The Flying Spaghetti Monster will abide no condemnation of His Creatures. 44 If some spirit shall claim that it alone is the one true spirit[…]”
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