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REVELATIONS 1: BOOK OF REVEALED CRAPOLAPragmaticallyWyrd1:1 And then it came to pass that he who introspects, crosselgged lotus-style with the incense burning and an eye patch on, looked inside his 3rd meatball-chakra, and tapped into the eternal vibe on which His Noodlyness broadcasts to all those that have the knack to listen.1:2 He spake Thus:1:3 Whosoevereth tampereth with this Book of Revelations or maketh up falsehoods about It or misrepresenteth It or quoteth It without citation is doom-destined for the abysmal land of Hell Light forever and ever, or until making amends. 1:4 (90 days same as cash!) 1:5 Now get offthis floor, and go drink some beer; you've been sitting on the floor long enough, my noodly little knowledge seeker.1:6 Thus was the seeker Touched.2 Verbtea2:1 A Sous-Chef was rolling dough in the galley upon the roughest of seas, when a revelationcame to him written in ketchup upon a lasagne noodle.2:2 "The Shape of the Fish upon the bumpers of land-vessels is actually a listening device that beams all thoughts within a thirty-yard radius directly into a research database on planet Nork.2:3 And as for the Norkians…2:4They know what you've been thinking, they know that you're a flake, they know if you've bonked on the hood…so just DON'T, for goodness' sake!3 black bart3:1 An archaeolical dig trying to find the treasure of the Sierra Madra has just unearthed an astonishing find. 3:2 A hoard of glass jars each sealed with a petrified cork lid and each containing rolls of ancient pasta. 3:3 Given the name of 'The Dead Sea Pasta Jars' the vessels have been carbon dated to 2000 SB (2000 years before the invention of Spaghetti Bolognese). 3:4 As we all know carbon dating doesn't count for much these days but Top Archaeologist Dr Heinrich Von Noodleschminke confirmed that the jars and their contents are really really old; I quote "Gottin Himmell dis pasta is really minging" said the good Dr.
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Oh. You need a little dummy text for your mockup? How quaint.
I bet you’re still using Bootstrap too…
1633:5 The rolls of pasta contain an ancient script which has so far baffled the experts. 3:6 The writing resembles the ancient Marinara Script but it is believed to be much older. 3:7 Until all thepasta rolls have been sent to the laboratory for gentle soaking in boiling water no further attempt at a transcript can be made.4 Pirate Reggie4:1 Then the Seven Holy Pirates with the Seven Trumpets prepared to sound them4:2 The First Holy Pirate sounded his trumpet and there came moldy meatballs and undercooked pasta mixed with rotten sauce and it was hurled down upon the earth. 4:3 A third of the earth was all nasty and gross, a third of the trees were nasty and gross, and all the green grass was nasty and gross4:4 The second Holy Pirate sounded his trumped and something like a huge mountain covered in week old chinese food was throw into the sea. A third of all that was in the sea died4:5 The fourth Holy Pirate sounded his trumped and a third of the earth the moon and the stars became nothing.4:6the fifth Holy Pirate sounded his trumped and out from a fallen star came the key of the abbys. out came the minions of the antipasta. 4:7 And they minions of the anitpasta forced all the world to watch every episode of Friends OVER AND OVER again for 5months but He[FSM] blessed his beleivers with mps players loaded with Van Halen so they would not have to hear the words of the Friends.4:8 And the Sixth and the 7th Pirate whipped out these realy cool Keytars(you know those keyboards that you can play on a strap like a guitar) and started playing this weird techno and all the people covered their ears in disgust. All exept the people of the Flying Spaghetti monster because he had blessed this with a the finest of pastas and sauces and they were to preoccupied to hear the techno"5 Shoeman5:1 A vast fleet of galleons, waving black flags with the FSM Fish sails again! 5:2The Mountain of Creation is found again and on it a monument in the likeness of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!5:3 It has been seen that when the Empire of the Bald Eagle and Mountain of the Four Faces is led by a Chimpanzee from the Land of the Rednecked, a War shall commence with the collapse of Two Towers of Fallen Piracy. 5:4 A sign of these times will appear when the Chimpanzee stutters and spurts in his speech and chokes on his food.5:5 The Chimpanzee will lead the Empire in a show of Zealousness over a false god and bastardization of His Noodlyness.5:6 Piracy will ascend again into greatness, with the onset of the knowledge of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the fleet will rise. 5:7 Those touched by the Noodly Appendage will take>>5201802
164up the eye patch, the regalia of the sacred Pirate. 5:8 And they will spread the Truth of the world. 5:9 The doctrines of the Midget, The Mountain, and the Tree will be heard in schools across the land and then the world!5:10 And a New Age dawns.5:11 The Noodle extends, touching and prodding, shifting views and the Earthly Sciences. 5:12 The world begins to reform and be recreated as the Truth of the Noodle is spread around the World.5:13 Children grow up hearing of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and knowing of the Doctrines of the Pirate. 5:14 In full dress, they crusade into their adult lives, Sailing and struggling to heal the Earth.5:15 And the Saucey Lord looked down and smiled. 5:16 Noodles descended, and the rein of the Chimpanzee in the Empire of the Bald Eagle and the Mountain of Four Carved Faces was done. 5:17 Arisen in the years to come was one touched by the Noodly Appendage. 5:18 And the person, A Pirate in their right, beat back the wave of Bigotry set in motion and given rise by the Chimpanzee.5:19 And the Empire was healed. 5:20 And with it, the world regained the Noodly Purity that had existed years before when Pirates were abundant.5:21 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster smiled.6 teripie6:1 Galliano shall go unto the mountain and there he shall beseech the Lord of All Semolina for thee Mighty Noodle shall be displeased with the people. 6:2 And the time shall come to pass when the cheese shall melt and the heavens shall rain a spirited liqueur that shall become the flow of Galliano. 6:3 Woe to the sinners who feast without carbohydrates. 6:4 Woe to the slackerswho boil in the microwave. 6:5 And the city of the mighty apartment buildings that lay in the land close upon the shore of the watery water shall sink into despair. 6:6 And a great leader who is a false and not officially elected leader shall bring the people low. 6:7 Upon them shall be heaped flaming globs of marinara for which that shall be no pasta.6:8 The sky shall grow heavy with the tears of the Pasta Lord as he beholds the sins of the carbo loaders. 6:9 For they have forgotten to grate their own cheeses and choose to buy the stuff in the green cans. 6:10 And this flaw of the lazy shall force the Great Linguini to cast them out of their land that was once wrought with many things.
1657 amenabletopasta7:1 And four great monsters came up from the sea, diverse one from another.7:2 The first was like a pirate, and had parrot's wings: I beheld till the wings thereof were spread, and it was lifted up from the earth, and made stand upon the feet as a man, and mans' booty was given to it.7:3 And behold another, a second, like to a serpent, and it was the Dragon, Atkins, and it raised up itself on one side, and it had three ribs in the mouth of it between the teeth of it: and they said thus unto it, Arise, devour much flesh.7:4 After this I beheld, and lo another, like a midget, which had upon the back of it a mountain and some trees; the midget had also four heads; and dominion was given to it.7:5 After this I saw in the night visions, and behold a fourth monster, flying and invisible, and tasty exceedingly; and it had great sauces of pesto: it hovered and brake in pieces, and stamped garlic-bread residue with the feet of it: and it was diverse from all the monsters that were before it; and it had ten noodley appendages.7:6 I considered the noodley appendages, and, behold, there came up among them another little noodley appendage, before whom there were two meatballs: and, behold, in these noodles were eyes like the eyes of man, and a mouth speaking great things.7:7 Some of the wine on thetable will be spilt,the third will not have that meatball which he claimed.Twice descended from the black one of Parmesan,Peruse and do to Pasta that which he believed.8 Swatopluk8:1 From Heaven there sounded a voice dripping in spices tasty butterrible.8:2 "It's your turn, my Meagre Mirror Image!"8:3 "Yeth, Marthter!", came the muffled reply, " Jus' lookin' for the right button."8:4 A great silence fell on all the lands that lasted roughly 3.14159 seconds.8:5 Then the foundations of theEarth shook, the ground gaped open and a thick vapour rose from the depth.8:6 A smell emitted from the vapour, so rotten as nothing I ever imagined.8:7 "Limburger Jahrgang 1850", shouted the First Holy Pirate, the meaning of that being beyond
167arose from their ships. 9:8 Then, with his left hand he took the microwavable squeeze tube of artificial colour, flavourings and preservatives and squished. 9:9 Thus it came to pass that the true meatballs were hidden from the faithful who; suffered and searched, suffered and searched, suffered and searched again. 9:10 Always looking for true meatballs amongst the canned and processed the faithful were forced to eat the abominations that covered the earth looking for the true meatballs. 9:11And hyperactivity and allergies arose across the nation.9:12 Almost silently Fundamentalism strode into the land, and while the people itched and sneezed from Additives torments he twisted the holy truth with lies and exaggeration. 9:13 Carefully and unrecognised his weapons were put to use. 9:14 With the shield of ignorance and thunderous megaphone of blame he caused the unholy scriptures to be written. 9:15 Blasphemous writings of beer drains, sensibly dressed clothing manufacturers and strict rigid moral standards were sent out as the one true word. 9:16 If only the people had seen the handkerchief of hypocrisy and put it on a boil wash. 9:17 I shook my head to disperse the terrors in my mind to no avail. 9:18 I saw how the pirates were persecuted and had their parrots were stuffed before their very eyes, gagged so, no one could speak the python sketch in their honour. 9:19 I looked on and despaired.9:20 Then, my eardrums were shattered by the peoples screams of “Toto,Toto we are in Kansas” as State Board tore through the suffering world. 9:21 Creating schools in her wake, lobotomising biology teachers and with a cackle let loose on the earth a pair of (very intelligently designed) peng-skunks that hovered over the earths waters, on a cushion of flatulence, looking for pirates. 9:22 State Board looked over the earth and watched the peng-skunks cut the cheese on their hunt. 9:23 The males stalked the eye patch that signalled their fertility while the females invaded pirates hats that were their nests. 9:24 And thus it came to pass that the passion of the peng-skunks diminished the pirates on the earth. 9:25 And so the earth was warmed.9:26 Diet, Additives, Fundamentalism and State Board looked over the land and knew that their work was almost done. 9:27 My vision faltered as my mind grasped that what I‟d seen so far was only the start and there true mission was yet to come 9:28 And with a terror in my heart the four horsemen rode out to complete there task. 9:29 While the people were pasta-less and the earth warmed the horsemen‟s true mission began to create the way for the demon of the end days.9:30 The world never noticed where the crochet band and bobby pins went. 9:31 Dodgy woollen cardigans and oddly striped scarves vanished from children‟s drawers. 9:32 And it came to pass that horsemen hid all the odd boots with the ankle wool trim, and the tights so thick they were bullet proof in that odd tan colour were changed to become pliable and a normal skin colour. 9:33In there despair the people did not notice, but the pirates, even though tortured by passionate peng-skunks, recognised the evil that was coming but were powerless to stop them. 9:34 When the final smell of parma-violet and boiled cabbage left the world the pathway was
oh
shitty ai
wants to protoculture the cia potatoes
sounds efficient
designer cheeseburgers
The Revelation of St. Oregano13:1"And there was a young pirate who did'st scrub his Captain's deck loyally who received unto him a vision"13:2"from upon high that spake unto him, saying, 'Thou hast been chosen to receive the Sauciful word of the Almighty Noodle.'"13:2 1/2"And young Oregano did'st inquire, 'What the fu-'"13:2 2/2"But the great voice did'st quell his fear saying, 'Fear not, matey. For I am the Almighty Noodle, creator of beer volcanos and stripper factories. Surely ye know I care for thee?'"13:3"And young Oregano did'st retort, 'But if ye cared for me, thou would'st with thy Almighty Noodley Appendage smite the fundamentalists from Westboro!'"13:4"'Young Oregano, surely even you must see that those who deny my Noodley existence will one day not drinkst from"13:5"Beer Volcanoes and partake of Stripper Factories? Surely you see that those whom hate and hate a thousandfold"13:6"must forever read textbooks of science and math?' spoke the mighty voice of the Eternal Spaghetti."13:7"'Science, o Great Noodle? But I thought thou did'st change scientific data with thy Noodley Appendage?'"13:8"And the Almighty Noodle replied saying, 'Arrgh, thou speak'st true! But surely thou doth see that what they protesteth much against and cannot comprehend, they will be doomed to forever learn?'"13:9"And young Oregano was awestruck. 'Thy Noodley Justice is awesome and powerful!'"13:10"And the Almighy Noodle did'st reveal, 'I shall reveal to you now what no pirate or wench has heard.'"13:11"Eagerly, young Oregano awaited."13:12"And the powerful voice from on high spake, saying, 'In the Year of Our Noodle 1988, I will send to you a prophet who speaks true. He will hail from the Castle Arrrrrggghhhhhhh and he will speak truth to all the world. His name will be"13:13"Stephen, the Hawking. He will descend from the sky on a cloud in a throne with wheels and he will love and be loved by all, except those from Westboro. And his visions of holes of
btw
chocolate milk in the cartoon is just twice boiled spoiled milk with chocolate
they call it "ultrapasteurizied"