You don’t understand the Creator.. the One .. the All.
You were taught God is male.. an inflection made up by the Jewish males..
True understanding of Torah teaches God is All in All.. neither male nor female.. the male aspect of the will made manifest in the feminine creation through ha-maschiach .. the divine conception.
You are still trying to create an image of the Creator that fits your self-centered understanding. That’s ok.. you will get there. Applying the human to the Creator is a natural part of growth and understanding.
When you understand that one of the greatest deceptions is separation .. me from you .. us from the all.. and that we are aspects of the Creator… the One.. God.. Made in the image.. that we are cut off from our true being .. restricted in time and space.. but not completely cut off. Then you can begin to understand what is really meant about dying to self.. and sacrifice of your will to the will of the father .. I and the father are one.. the father in me and I in the father .. except substitute “the Abba” .. “the daddy”.. from the Aramaic.
There is only one choice. Just one.. repeated over and over every moment of time .. every thought and word and action.. serve self.. or serve others.. selfish or selfless… led by your own desire or led by the spirit of love and peace ..
Control is an illusion .. you do not have it… stop trying to hold it. But aligning your thoughts.. words.. actions with God’s will as evidenced by the fruits of the spirit .. of love and peace .. then you serve the purpose of the Creator.. the All in All.. the point.. and the Word which is every letter in the journey of aleph to the tov.. the ALL.
Each one of these concepts can be resear he’s individually. Your life your choice. Expand your thinking or remain happy in your current place. It’s ok. Peace!