neeeeeat
Maybe this will cheer me up.
Hey Chris… is the 29th actually happening?
I need a break… even if it's just a lil' one.
Something's got to give.
I didn't mean to find out how much of a support deficit I could work under…
But I guess that's the name of the game?
How much can I give, outside of suicide?
(it's an ever present option that's not an option…)
Granted…
Is there a singular word that means "suicide by giving"?
"Fucking yourself over for the benefit of people who give zero shits" is a bit wordy.
I refuse to think I'm delusional.
It's just… always more waiting…
"but your suffering isn't as bad as the victims of whatever kind of heinous thing we're stopping!"
Yup… I know.
But I have to not become one of those victims in the process.
I can't "step away"… and I can't "enjoy the show" from afar as if I've had no part in it.
I just… don't know what to do when I'm at that wall of needing others to act… let alone do the (god forbid) right thing.
It's not even a "self sufficiency" thing.
If I want to not be alone… I need others.
It's… that's just how it works.
I won't become a shitty person just to have people around me…
I justcare.
Nobody wants me to, even to the point of actively discouraging it, but I'm that fucking fool that gives a shit.
Looking for someone else who does, as well.
The problem should never be "you shouldn't have cared!".
I'm not careless, I don't want to become careless.
I don't want to hate people.
Everyone makes it as hard as possible to love them, but I refuse to HATE humanity/being a part of it.
Even if I trust the plan… trust that where we go one we go all…
I've never experienced anything like that.
And the reason is because I gave a shit.
I'm not going to stop giving a shit
Hopefully it's not the end of me.
"He literally couldn't give anymore and just fell over due to lack of support."