CDC guidelines suggest (this is a parody) that doorknobs should also be lightbulbs so that germs will be killed if they get on them because the light will sterilize the door knob.
only trouble is that the doorknob will be too hot to turn . . .
wait, a low heat ultraviolet light/door knob. NOt only is the door knob constantly sterilized it also will be easy to spot in the dark.
but the trade off: one group virtue signalling no germs, the other group 'your expensive door knob isn't 'green' and wastes electricity.
and the third group 'I thought it was a joke, they are now mandating that door knobs also be light bulbs!'
only if one of the insiders holds a patent on the idea . . . only then
end of satrical first draft parody.