Saw Q’s post about “Call the ball” and I just had to opine
Not sure how much you fags know about carrier aviation, but lemme tell ya you can all forget that wikidicks shit about being lined up. It’s a fuckton more complicated than that.
First, the person who says, “Call the ball,” is the Landing Signal Officer, or LSO. You’ve seen ‘em, a bunch of pilots in white vests on the phone watching each approaching aircraft (a/c) as it comes in for a carrier arrested landing, or “trap.” These guys might not be the best fighter pilots, but LSO’s are known for their understanding of landing an a/c on a carrier flight deck. Other aviators say, “They can see the wind,” or “they can count the raindrops,” or “they can land blindfolded at night.” The LSO’s grade EVERYONE on EVERY PASS (that is either a “trap” or, if the a/c doesn’t land successfully, a “bolter”). Suffice it to say LSO’s are the Naval aviation version of the oldfag autists. Their only passing grade is OK. Fuck everything else.
LSO’s are also the only guys who can even ground their own boss. Fuck up an approach real bad and prove you’re blind, and you ain’t landing on a fucking carrier. Not even with your own LSO. They’re like Tijuana prostitutes. They all talk to each other, and they all grade your performance.
So, here’s how an approach to a “trap” works. At three-quarters of a mile away from landing, the LSO (that’s Q) will say, “Call the ball.” The approaching aviator will respond with something like this:
“Hornet ball, 4-point-2”. What does that mean? Well, the first word identifies the a/c. That’s important because the guys listening in on that conversation matter. They’re enlisted guys down below who set the engines on the arresting gear cables to make sure that it is ready for the proper weight. If a cable is too loose, SNAP and you go swimming. If it’s too tight, you lose your tailhook – and you go swimming.
“Ball” means, “Yeah, I can see the Fresnel Optical Landing System lights”, also known as the “meatball” or “ball,” (you can read more about it here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optical_landing_system) and I am on the correct glide slope and path.\
“Wait!” you say, “Slope AND path???” Yep. Remember, a carrier isn’t a fixed field. It’s typically moving away from you at about 27 miles per hour (25 knots) to give some wind across the deck. That wind allows you to land relatively slowly to your actual jet’s approach speed of about 160 mph. Except it’s not that easy. The carrier is moving away from you, AND your runway is not right down the middle of the deck. It’s offset by 10 degrees. I’m sure you guys have all seen a carrier landing area and how it is a little diagonal to the centerline of the ship.
So the “meatball” gives you an optical reference (as well as an electronic reference) of both the 10 degree offset path to the ship and the typically 2 ½ degree glide slope down from your point, ¾ of a mile away, to the deck. So you’re actually aiming your jet for a point that will be moving ahead, and you’re trying to hit that point with a 10 degree angle away from it. All while dealing with a cross wind. (Land-based pilots can back me up on how a crosswind is a pain in the ass to fly an approach.)
And the “4-point-7” (or whatever other number is appropriate)? That is the weight of your remaining fuel in thousands of pounds. The guys running the arresting gear engines have to take that into account, too.
So, carrier jocks (Navy and some Marines) do this day, night, and bad weather. Back in the old days (‘70’s and ‘80’s), it’s the reason why carrier aviators smoked cigars in the ready room, banged every willing female in sight, shaved their balls to hide the prematurely gray hairs, and drank medicinal brandy after really bad traps.
To sum up: Q just asked whoever’s driving this bitch to announce that he’s lined up, got the gas, and just how much ass in gross tonnage he’s about to plant in a controlled crash on the flight deck. (And fuck calling it a landing, it’s a controlled fucking crash. That’s why it’s referred to as “trap”, because aviator wives would shit and scream if they knew what it really was.)
One last point: Please return the Stewardess to her original upright position. Carrier landings are a little bumpy and she wants to keep her kidney, which would be at risk if you don’t tuck it away, zip up and buckle your fucking harness.
Oh, and the ejection handle is between your legs. Get your dick out of the way and remember that.