Hey, been there, I had one at 17 after a lot of family pressure. We all knew it was wrong. I lived with guilt, depression, suicidal thoughts and all manner of physical and psychological damage for years to come.
The short answer is you won’t be sincerely asking for forgiveness until you can forgive yourself, which may be a long time. It took me over ten years to deal with my guilt, shame and self punishment. It may take a while but let me tell you what got to me in the end and why I’m Ok now.
I fully acknowledge what I did was wrong and evil, I took 100% responsibility for the abortion despite whatever pressure I had coming at me because ultimately no one physically held me down and did it completely against my will.
I learned to speak up about abortion in spite of my guilt and shame to hopefully prevent someone else from living through what I did. No sane person wants to be a murderer.
I learned that I don’t know better than God. If God will forgive anything if repentance is sincere, who am I to question His judgement?
The Bible says love your neighbor as yourself… I read that verse differently now. Most people see ‘love your neighbor’ I didn’t have a problem with that, it was myself I hated. What I see know is that God expects and wants us to love ourselves, as He does. It’s ok to not hate yourself because of sins you have committed.
This verse has helped me immensely “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” John 8:36
Quit punishing yourself, until you do you won’t be capable of pursuing Gods plans. No one can endure the journeys God has planned with that kind of burden, that’s why He takes them from us.
You are loved. Truly. I will be praying for you.