>>3138

AntMan

Thank you so much for your light and love without judgment. It enables me to share my experience with confidence. As we all learn from each other. I love you guys so much. I have so much love for humanity and the human condition. It is truly the most beautiful thing I have ever observed. There is a lot of POWER I have noticed in human interaction of just the act of reaching out and putting the other first without regard for their own being. Its one thing I hold on as to true be cause I have experienced it so many times in this life. We can get you to the cabin. My disclaimer here…I don't know what I'm talking about I don't know how this works at all but somehow it works for me.

You are all so brilliant on this board I feel I have nothing to offer any of you but my stories of my experience with the intent it resonates to help us all remember what we forgot. I am so honored to be here with you in this moment. The next time you head for the cabin imagine me sharing this story on the couch in front of the light of the roaring fire being the only light illuminating the living room. This experience of love and light is for you AntMan and everyone else having trouble finding the cabin.

This is the story of the “accident” or should I call it the “on purpose”. I can’t tell you this story is true because I don’t know if this experience even happened. I will attempt to explain….The only proof I have of this is a crumpled up motorcycle,(that I'm still rebuilding) a torn up riding jacket and a helmet scratched and damaged 360. Oh yeah and a sock with a small hole about an inch long near ankle area. (I was wearing my tennis shoes that night.)

I have been working on this puzzle for three years which is the whole reason I started building the cabin. The cabin was my only light in the darkness of this experience. Maybe you as my teachers can help me understand what happened to me.

It was a warm summer night and I went to meet some of my closest friends for dinner. One of my favorite places to eat where I live. Great food and great friends. It was a special night because we were all caught up in “life” and had not seen each other in some time.

We finished up dinner and decided to head to my place make a fire in the front yard and hang out burn one and keep sharing our stories. They hopped in their car and I hopped on the GSXR. (truly an amazing machine that can go 75mph in first gear. I get adrenalin just thinking about riding that motorcycle. Truly a beautiful piece of engineering.) It was dark as I rode home with the street lights and my headlight illuminating the way. I was in the city. When I came around the bending corner I wasn’t hauling ass (like I typically do) I was going around 40 45mph maybe… just cruising. When a car with its headlights off was kinda sticking its nose out of a driveway. I didn’t react at the first millisecond and I remember thinking is that car pulling out or parked there…..holy shit he is pulling out was the next thought. My body and mind reacted without instruction I instantly locked up the rear brake and started to steer the bike around the front of the car. I see the he front left corner bumper and headlights of the car as I slid sideways looking down at my rear wheel to see if cleared the bumper thinking to myself “I think I got this!” That was the last thing I remember…

>>3138

The moment that changed my life forever. I “woke up” to the people that ran to my aid holding me down. I was on my back looking up at all of them. As they held me down they kept saying “stay down… stay down….don’t get up.” What was my first reaction? I took my arms and brushed their hands away saying “Get the fuck off of me!” Which I don’t understand because that's just not me at all. I was pissed off. (Much like Logan when he gets hit hard.) Disoriented I jumped to my feet rubber legged trying to maintain my balance and figure out what just happened. Looking at the debris field I just created. My crumpled up motorcycle and a huge deep scratch in the pavement. I only learned later that the car that hit me (or did they hit me?) actually had to back up out of the debris field so they could flee the “scene”. There was a party at the apartments where the car pulled out of the driveway. Ironically another close friend of mine lived in an apartments adjacent on that corner heard the crash. I guess was quite loud and ran to her deck to see what happened. She recognized my tennis shoes of all things and realized at that moment it was me her loving friend that was hit. She called 911 and ran to my aid. A crowd formed from the neighborhood, people from the party gathered as the police showed up and watched me stumble around in shock trying to understand what just happened. She carried me in that moment thank god she was there to help me figure out what happened and cope with the situation. The smell of alcohol was in the air the party people gathered. My friend thought I smelled like alcohol so did the police. I did not consume a drop that night. (I never drink and ride interferes with the adrenalin;-) ) The police separated me from the group and asked me what happened. I gave them my story. They asked if I wanted to file a report or need an ambulance. I said no because I was upright and started to get my bearings again. I was ok. I was fine I thought at the time. I have taken bigger hits than that before on a bike. Looking back I should have gone to the hospital to get my “head checked”. But I didn’t. I’m a “tough guy” and this wasn’t my first motorcycle crash I had experienced. My friend wanted me to go get checked at the hospital but I insisted I was ok and she drove me home to my friends I had dinner with waiting for me at the fire pit wondering where I was. There were really no visible scars from the crash scratched up ankle small scratch on my wrist where my skin was exposed outside of my kevlar gloves. The gear I was wearing that night saved my life. It was ripped to spreads. Beautiful helmet scratched and crushed 360. My girlfriend at the time stayed with me all night as I was still coping with what happened. She helped me to bed to get some sleep and watch over me. She gave me some frozen peas to put on my bruised hip. I remember waking up in the middle of the night on that night thinking I was bleeding all over the bed in shock only to realize the frozen peas had thawed and were leaking.

The next day I went back to the scene to retrieve my motorcycle and looked at the area in the sunlight to try and understand what happened. I saw the deep gouge the foot peg carved into the pavement glass and debris still lined the street. Looking at the scene how did I fly 40 to 45 feet across the pavement up over a curb between two signs and end up flat on my back on soft grass? I should have died. There is no explanation as to how I survived that crash.

>>3138

I should at least have a broken arm, leg, my back something other than these tiny scratches and a bruised hip. It wasn't even a bad of a bruise. WTF happened here? Who hits someone on a motorcycle backs up out of a debris field and takes off not knowing if I was dead or alive? I was so pissed they didn’t even care or check to see if I was ok. My ego was very offended by their disregard for my existence. (I have forgiven them now but it took at least a year to do so.) I inspected the motorcycle up and down and I could not see where they actually hit me. Weeks later…. once I got her into the shop did I realize their bumper barely scuffed my back tire form what I can deduce.

In the days after the crash …. others not me started noticing things in me that I didn’t even realize. I was numb a zombie is the only way I can describe it. My girlfriend would ask if I was ok. I would respond yeah….why? “Because you stare of into nothing for hours.” she responded. I didn’t even know I was doing it. I lost the concept of time and space(out). When it came to my work where I developed security systems protecting companies. A lot of programming and architecture design etc…(maybe a story for later) I started to realize things weren’t “ok”. There were huge gaps in my memory. The gray tofu was hit harder than I realized. I couldn’t write simple code I knew I could do but could not recall how to do it. WTF? I started searching my mind for other things I had lost. I was horrified to realize it was a lot missing. My past, events, computer skills I had spent years accumulating. Were GONE! My mind started just “locking up”. Like when you put your foot on the accelerator of your car and nothing happens.

I was so embarrassed. I told no one. I suffered in silence because of my ego of embarrassment. I have never been good at receiving help. I am the one that helps others dammit! I have always lived to serve others that's not how I work. It didn’t take long for me to loose my job my girlfriend, friends and my home. Realizing the life I had build was about to go away forever. The brutal depression set in. WTF am I going to do now? Who is going to want a broken “SLOW” person to do any job. The symptoms became worse and worse as time went on. I sold a lot of my things and packed up my tool truck and bought a remodeled motorcycle trailer (its actually quite comfy and I love it) because I knew what was coming for me. I’m going to be homeless. I am homeless.

>>3138

I only exist now because of the kindness of others. I live on the road where ever I can find a quiet safe place to park. I have my tools for creating and building. I have a small shop space that I rent. I love and work on projects. I try to get to the trees and forest as much as I can afford. Its where I find the most peace. My very amazing friends take pity on me and always throw me a odd job or two I can still fix or build just about anything. It does take me a lot of time usually but it will be done with perfection. I started building the cabin so I can escape the darkness and Its part of my healing program. I'm grateful for you all my family of LIGHT! I cherish the relationship we have. I wasn't able to get up for 3 days or even eat the week you found me. The first message I sent into the board was immediately responded to with YOUR love and light. You breathed life into my sole. I was able to get up again! I am functioning better than I have in three years. Its incredible what you have done for me. I will never be able to repay you this debt. I love you with the core of my being. Helping me to get back up. I haven't been this happy in years. Your love, light and wisdom is pouring out of my eyes as I write and I don’t even know what it is or what to do with it. Help me learn to remember what we have lost. You are all so beautifully brilliant. I carry this for you because I live to serve you. My new family of the light. Thank you for hearing my story without judgment. Thank you for not leaving me on the side of the road because I’m broken machine. I don’t understand how any of this works but I trust the process of Love and Light. Sorry for such a long post. It just flows out of me when you put light on the board for us to learn. Im going to go sit in the trees AntMan. The lights are ALWAYS on and the door is ALWAYS open for you and everyone else that wants to find the cabin. My hand is outstretched ready to show you the way here anytime you are ready.

Love and Light / Light and Love

Your humble servant

Logan