>>1767
>>You should not condemn yourself for your dark aspects, but understand them, adjust them, love yourself and >>realize that >>you are working to improve.
This is something I'm having a hard time with daily. For no other reason than my memory seems to fade? (MMJ can't be helping much) Lack of sleep, diet, exercise, routine completely gone, all these things unground me.
I can seize the moment here and there, but sometimes I seem to need that routine to properly ground before I let loose.
Similar to lightning storms, if I think about it. Flashes here and there, but the mechanics are required for the storm to reach it's full potential. Maybe something maybe nothing.
But I am completely overwhelmed by temporal distractions on a daily and nightly basis and cannot find any safe harbor for long. Just to THINK.
My time is precious and it is demanded by everyone. I attempted to give it all and have none for myself, so when I assert time for myself, it is denied. And I become resentful. I can accept I have negative parts, they have defined what I don't wish to be, but I have no idea what I do wish to be. Hero, savior, rogue, entertainer, know-er of as much as possible? Explorer? I see something in all of it I wish to do and be.
I cannot help but think, have I created this entire reality around me? Does my unconscious think I need more lessons? There are echos in karmic concepts with that thought. I forget every few days and then have to learn anew. It is maddening. I should not require a miracle every day to maintain my faith in myself. Faith in God is unwavering. Myself? Why doesn't this translate? We are part of God, but not also God itself.
These questions feel dangerous and unknowable. I always thought of God as the collective community. People who do well for each other. I stated that when younger many times. How was it I had those truths so readily available when a young man, yet can't grasp them now? If I am damaged I want to be whole.
I wished to understand math. I understood it. I wished to make myself better. I have had ego, hubris, wisdom and knowledge. Love and hate. I wished to understand how the people watching Rome fall felt. I see and feel it. I wished to know hope. I have it. I said I wanted to understand, not watch it. But to understand, I have to go through. I wish to know myself. I wish to remember who I am. I wished to know the universe. I wish to explore and learn. To be useful. To protect. And yet I am such a shell of what I can be. I do not want to be this shell.
I hope this helps others. Sometimes I need to work these things out daily and put it out public ally so I can see if there is a distortion in my thinking. I feel like a spider sometimes. I sit and watch and bring threads together to form a web and catch a juicy morsel. But I do not like their physical appearance though useful. I am not a spider. I do not know what, but there is more than that. I feel as though I only react to things.