why am I so scared of trying?
Why am I so scared of dying?
I search for years for what is true
And barely change the things I do
Is it the fear? Is it the stress?
The knowledge that the world's a mess?
Some things are just so plain to see,
Three packs a day is killling me.
I pray it's not to late to stop,
This nasty crutch I need to drop.
How can I be my best and free,
if I am helping them kill me?
If you've escaped where I am now,
Help me please by sharing how.
The lack of judgement is appreciated more than you know. Just aspiring to be more than an example of failure.
Yet another fate vs free will battle.
I am just going to put this out there; despite sincere efforts to be nothing but a force of positivity, in my quietest moments my mind is an unending onslaught of downers and self loathing.
Raised stereotypical hypocritic Catholic, I was basically under the impression as a toddler that i had already been so naughty there was no way god would ever love me. Kinda fucked, but it seems(strangly I had typed is and it auto corrected to seems, I will leave it) what it is.
I know who I should be, I feel in my soul that it is right for me to have infinite love and forgiveness to give. Self application of forgiveness makes me feel like a fraud. I know I am a good person, but I know my consistent application of that goodness hasn't always been exemplary. Ultimately i have to admit my pursuit of the truth has been largly about finding a philosophy that resonates with me without ultimately resulting in my condemnation. I am in perpetual spiritual battle with myself to just keep doing the next right thing, and sometimes I back slide.
When I was younger I wasn't all that interested in philosophy or self understanding at all, so a one strike and you are out religion probably caused a more reactionary negative response that anything.
If I am anything to my core it is a contrarian. Luckily oppositional defiance disorder wasn't a thing when I was a kid or they would have doped me to the gills. Coincidence I got into moral philosophy just as family values were becoming the new punk? Know thyself right?
But am I really locked into this as fate, or can I use my free will to make my own choices? I believe I can, and resent myself for the failings.
I am excited to be on this climb, I know I can make substantial progress if I focus on doing the next right thing.
My biggest fear is being the nicest guy in hell, one covet over the threshold or some dumb shit. Maybe judgement is as simple as having been told Bess you more times than someone said damn you. I'd be so fucked, just because of the way people talk these days.
My soul is hurting because I don't know the rubric. My soul is hurting because I am aware just how flawed I am. You would think that would be enough to motivate change. The irony of organic gardening with a cancer stick hanging out of my mouth is inescapable.
My imperfections may be a product of free will, but if they are not overcomable wouldnt that be the bondage of fate not freedom?
Sorry I am so far behind everyone, I have never been able to talk openly like this ever, and I need to, much more often. I feel blessed to know there is even a mountain to climb, but from down here it looks so intimidating I am almost frozen by the enormity of the task ahead, and a deepseated lack of confidence in my ability to succeed.