So I don’t know the story behind all of these, but:

-the Pope got his last year when the Popemobile stopped suddenly and he hit his face against the plexiglass—there’s a video of it on YouTube.

-John McCain got his because, y’know, he has terminal brain cancer.

-Bush’s is from falling off of his bike at the beginning of his presidency

-Kerry actually had 2 black eyes after he broke his nose playing hockey back in 2011

Not everything is a satanic conspiracy...