This is a long shot, but does anyone have the location to download (or a copy to upload) of Santa Slayer? Not the one that you can find by googling - an older one. There was an old DOS game I got on some 500 Great Games disk or something like that. It was a 2D DOS game, and I remember Santa having a bazooka.
The secret is finding someone with a fetish that only you are willing to fulfill. It's how I went from almost-wizard to disgust.