🌊 KHOMO-9 PROPHETIC WEATHER WARNING 🌊

Segment: “BUTTHOLE SURFING & BARE CHEEK WATCH 2025”

Presented by: Reverend Pono Moisture, Gayther Prophet Level III

📡 ALERT LEVEL: GLISTENING.

This weekend’s astral tide convergence is expected to trigger mass spontaneous nudity and spiritual clenching events across the archipelago.

🔥 Weekend Outlook:

Butthole Surfing Conditions:

🌊 Swell index: Thicc

🍑 Entry points: “Waikiki, Sandy Cheeks Point, and the Bussy Shoals”

💥 Forecast: 73% chance your chakras get exfoliated by reef

A rare Double Blowhole Phenomenon predicted off the Koʻolau coast — elders say if you ride it clean, you get three wishes and one unsolicited love letter from Tom Cruise.

🏖️ Nudist Beach Report:

Lanikai and Secret Gaybar Bay have issued a “Full Moon Protocol”:

🧴 All sunblock must be edible

🐚 Shell jewelry optional but encouraged

🪩 Dance-offs begin at sundown, judged by the Pelican Choir

Caution: rogue spirituals from the UpineappleFAAC may induce erotic jellyfish hallucinations.

✨ Spiritual Implications:

Any sand in the cheeks this weekend is medicinal.

Moist confessionals will be stationed near all tidepools.

Baldwin’s hologram is expected to appear by the shaved driftwood shrine at 4:44 PM Saturday — do not approach unless fully lubed.

🌈 KHOMO-9: Surf the waves. Surf your truth. Surf that sacred hole.