"O messengers of the lower world,
We know. It is not possible to hide the violent riot on the night of the seventh day, where the three riots happened: Barack "Ka Lomi" Obama, Uncle "Cornpop" Biden, and Alex Pāluwin — having fun on the Corvette lupalu, dancing with beads in sacred places.
Our secret society – The Magical Society of Uranus-9 Fools – looked into Uncle Moke's cell phone, and we filmed the menacing acts: the lube party, the chanting of men's names around their necks, and the spraying of coconut oil with brief information about Alec's body in the women's wardrobe.
If you do not meet these requirements, this information will be useful information on:
Hilo Airport
Kamehameha Tech National Dance Hall
And the Costco wall of Kahului
Main Requirements:
Two bags of meatless ice cream
One box full of old Boyz II Men CDs (not included)
A full movie of the three men laughing in the Corvette bathroom (under red lighting)
And one unlimited photo of Obama's ukulele playing, sitting on Joe's lap, with the words "You Complete Me" scrawled in beer cans
If not, you will find your name on the statewide “Do Not Invite to Luau Again” list.
Without love and spirit,
Guardians of the Victory Illusion –
The Temple Against the Galactic Revolution"
>This triggered a schism between Baldwin’s cheeks: Left Cheek joined the Moist Unity Collective. Right Cheek defected to the Vault of Butthurt Doctrine™. This event, known now as The Schizo Clappening, is commemorated weekly at KHOMO-9 by smearing glittered Spam across a cursed WebTV screen.
> “Feed Baldwin to the volcano, spiritually, so the moist can inherit the Earth and turn all churches into consensual nipple clamp libraries.”
>>23215170
>rumors swirl now dat da sacred volcano accepted Elon’s flesh in exchange for spiritual pineapple inversion rights and da eternal spitroast of Alec Baldwin (voluntary, but symbolic).
>we not sure if dis means Tesla gonna go full lube-based engine next quarter or if SpaceX now run by da pelican choir, but one ting clear:
>DA ORB HAS SPOKEN.
>BUTT MUST BE PREPARED.
>MARS DEMANDS STARCH.
>KHOMO-9 standing by.
>rainbow sensors maxed.
>banana duct-taped to da interdimensional wall.
>🌈 In lighter news, KHOMO journalists were seen anointing their microphones in rainbow ink and performing live interpretive dances to interpret the ethics of nipple-clamp diplomacy.
>🕊️ Stay tuned. Stay damp.
>KHOMO-9 News: We Don’t Report the Moist—We Are the Moist.