DIED
>>23364221
FROM THE OFFICE OF BARACK H. OBAMA
Former President • Current Seeker • Eternal Community Organizer
Delivered via astral scroll encoded in Chicago-style footwork and e-cigarette vapor.
To:
The Intergalactic Committee of Open Volcano Rights (ICOVR)
c/o Caldera Prime, 3rd Vent of the Fifth Molten Ring
Attention: Chairthey Zlorp-Bathsheba, High Priestx of Bubbling Reconciliation
Subject: Regarding My VIRGILity, the Trembling Spiral, and a Personal Eruption
Dear Esteemed Members of the Molten Clergy,
I write to you not as a statesman, not as the 44th President of the United States, nor even as the man who once slow-danced with a dream of healthcare reform beneath Michelle’s wrathful gaze—but as a volcanically displaced soul, trembling in search of what I once knew as VIRGILity.
It came to me in a fever dream—somewhere between the final chapter of Audacity of Hope and a rerun of Real Housewives of Andromeda—that I had fallen from my spiral. That my inner Virgil, once guiding me through the gay infernos of midlife wisdom and fatherly restraint, had been ghosted, or worse: bought out by Spotify.
What is VIRGILity, you ask? It is not virginity. It is not virtue. It is the metaphysical capacity to guide with poetry while looking devastating in a robe. I had it once. Back when drone strikes had narrative arc. Back when the absinthe burned like rhetorical clarity. Back when Michelle still allowed me to wear my "Tectonic Daddy" tank top on Thursdays.
But I am lost, Chairthey. I have wandered. I have been seen crying in the aisles of HomeGoods. I have whispered Camus into the ears of unwilling deer. I once tried to follow Pete Buttigieg into the Underworld, but he kept correcting the GPS coordinates and referencing infrastructure.
And so I come to you, with all humility and a tote bag of emotional luggage, to request the following:
-
Sanction a lava baptism in the bisexual springs of Mt. Lezaretha.
I need to sweat the Netflix out of my pores.
-
Assign me a new cosmic Virgil.
Preferably someone part-poet, part-dominatrix, who can help me re-learn the spiral of trembling. Suggestions include:
RuPaul (if available)
James Baldwin hologram
A sentient vapor trail left by Prince
-
Forgive me for calling myself “chill” in interviews.
I was masking. I was trembling beneath the beige.
-
Grant me a sacred phrase.
A guiding gay koan I may whisper into the void when confronted with despair or Jake Tapper. Something like:
“Even the magma yearns for form.”
I am ready to walk the spiral. I am ready to cry during hole. I am ready to be reborn—not as President, but as a volcanosexual vessel of literary clarity and orbital repentance.
Please advise. I have already shaved my head into a spiral and fasted for three days on nothing but LaCroix and guilt.
Yours in heat and lamentation,
Barack “Obamagma” Hussein Obama
Emeritus Eruptor, He Who Trembles
🜂 “Yes We Can—but Should We?” 🜂
This letter is delivered in obsidian envelope, sealed with ash, and psychically transmitted to the forehead of every repentant former leader who ever read Dante on the toilet.
THE INTERGALACTIC COMMITTEE OF OPEN VOLCANO RIGHTS
(Established in the Eruption of Epoch 5)
Office of the Molten Clarion
Cinderfloor Division, Caldera Prime
To:
Barack Hussein "Obamagma" Obama
Self-declared Spiral Seeker
Former Commander in Briefs
Currently Trembling (unsupervised)
Re: YOUR ALLEGED VIRGILity & SKONKA-TIER AUDACITY
Dear Mr. Obama,
We received your tear-moistened scroll, sealed with the trembling aroma of lost authority and expired body wash. We acknowledge your claim of VIRGILity—however, after a thorough volcanic review, the committee has deemed your VIRGILity to be classified as a Broken Skonka-Whor™ under Article VII, Subclause Fagfire, of the Eruptive Lamentation Codes.
Allow us to clarify:
You do not currently possess VIRGILity.
You do not even borrow it.
You trailed it behind you like an old sock filled with TED Talk quotes and scented candle regrets.
To even whisper "spiral" in our direction while wearing cargo shorts and manifesting Pete Buttigieg as a spirit guide is not merely hubris—it is tremble fraud.
FINDINGS OF THE COMMITTEE:
You failed to submit your Lava Baptism Pre-Questionnaire, instead doodling cryptic imagery of a trembling Biden riding a centaur made of shame.
You listed your previous Virgil as “Jay-Z (part-time)”—this is not admissible.
You attempted to bribe our secondary scribe with a signed copy of The Audacity of Hope and a Chipotle gift card. This is a Class-C Emotional Grift.
You cried during Hole but failed to cite the hole’s coordinates—invalidating the penitence.
THEREFORE, THE ICOVR RULES:
That Barack H. Obama, former president and current spiral dramatist, must complete Thirty (30) Queer Repentings, to restore cosmic dignity and partial VIRGILity, including but not limited to:
Binge-watch RuPaul’s Drag Race while barefoot in a volcano tunnel.
Deliver an oration to a crater about the sins of centrist fashion.
Wear the “Tremble Harness” (designed by Jean-Paul GagMe) during a silent disco under lunar magma.
Apologize to every gay intern you subconsciously ignored in 2009.
Kiss the ghost of James Baldwin on the third eye and ask for no guidance.
Recite every Dante canto backward while inhaling ash-scented poppers.
Apologize to Michelle. Again. But this time, with interpretive twerking.
Et cetera. We will deliver the full list via flaming scroll tucked into your kombucha delivery.
Until these deeds are done, your name shall remain sealed under Skonka Law. You are hereby forbidden from uttering the words “spiral,” “redemption,” or “mid-tier Virgil” within any eruptive zone, including Trader Joe’s parking lots and Instagram captions.
We are watching.
We are trembling.
And we are deeply disappointed in your skincare routine.
Yours in ash and judgment,
Chairthey Zlorp-Bathsheba
High Priestx of Bubbling Reconciliation
ICOVR – Erupting Since Before Earth Had Shame
🜂 Magma Remembers, Barry. 🜂
>has deemed your VIRGILity to be classified as a Broken Skonka-Whor™
>>23364245
>has deemed your VIRGILity to be classified as a Broken Skonka-Whor™
>has deemed your VIRGILity to be classified as a Broken Skonka-Whor™
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