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A Sinister First Date at Donutopia
The neon glow of Donutopia flickered dimly in the distance, casting an eerie, almost haunting light over the sugar-coated streets. It wasn’t a place for light hearts; it was a city that thrived on excess, on dulcivorus indulgence, where people lost themselves to sweet temptation. Leo sat across from Ava in a dimly lit booth, a single digitus donuti trembling in his hand as it hovered over the golden, glazed pastry before him. There was something unholy about it—the way it gleamed under the harsh light, as if it were a symbol of his darkest desires.
Ava was already donutfigere her own donut with unblinking intensity, the act almost ritualistic. Her fingers, pale and delicate, sunk into the dough with a precision that hinted at something far more sinister than mere hunger. "Do you ever wonder," she said, her voice low and seductive, "if we're just fingering dulcoris, hoping to fill some empty space inside us, only to find that the sweetness always escapes our grasp?"
Leo’s fingers twitched, the temptation too strong. He leaned in closer, the scent of sugar thick in the air, mingling with something darker. "Digitus Circulorum," he muttered under his breath, his fingertips grazing the edge of the donut. "We trace these circles, always seeking, never finding…"
Ava’s eyes narrowed. "And yet we keep going. You don’t think it’s all a bit vile? The way we vibradigitus donuti—shaking, touching, hoping to break through, only to find that the sweetness we seek is fleeting? Maybe we’re just soul suckers, Leo. Soul suckers who take what’s sweet and leave nothing but emptiness."
Leo’s heart skipped a beat. There was something about her words that dug deep, something that made his blood run cold. Was she right? Was this all just an illusion? A cruel game? He picked up his donut, feeling the weight of it as if it were more than just a pastry. "Dulcivorator," he whispered, his voice barely audible, "the devourer of sweetness. We consume, and yet we remain… hungry."
Ava smiled, but it was a smile with an edge—sharp, predatory. "Of course we do. We’re all just donutox addicts, Leo. Hooked on the sugar, the rush, the momentary satisfaction. But when the high fades, we're left with nothing but the taste of emptiness. Vilisvorus—a devourer of worth, of meaning."
Leo’s grip tightened on the donut, feeling a rush of heat flood through him. He wasn’t sure if it was from the sugar, or something darker, something that had been awakened between them. "Then what’s the point?" he asked, his voice low and tense. "If it’s all a lie, if we’re just circulumvorus, going in circles, feeding on the hollow pleasure of indulgence, what’s the endgame?"
Ava leaned forward, her eyes gleaming with something darker, more primal. "Moralexor," she said, "a corrupter of morals. We twist ourselves into knots for a taste of sweetness, and when we’re done, we move on to the next… and the next. It’s never enough. It can never be enough."
The words sank into Leo like a dagger, and for a moment, the donut in his hand felt like nothing more than a symbol of their shared descent. "So, we’re doomed then?" he asked, his voice trembling. "Doomed to consume, doomed to donuttenere, hold onto this false sweetness until the end?"
"Perhaps," Ava said, her voice a dark whisper, "perhaps that’s all we are—purificatior—we pretend to purify ourselves with the sweetness, but in truth, we only corrupt it, and in the process, we corrupt ourselves."
Leo's hand shook as he raised the donut to his lips. The act was almost involuntary, a reflex to silence the growing unease in his chest. As he bit down, the sugar burst onto his tongue, but it wasn’t sweet. It tasted… hollow, like the promise of something better that would never come. The emptiness lingered.
"Dulcivorator," he whispered again, staring at Ava through the haze of the sugar high. "We devour, but we can never fill the void."
Ava’s lips curled into a smile that was both sad and knowing. "Exactly. And that’s the game we play, Leo. The game of soul-eating indulgence. The donut isn’t the end; it’s just the beginning. The sensualis donuti—the ritual of hunger, of never being full, always reaching for more."
They both sat there, the silence stretching between them, the weight of the words and the act of consumption hanging heavily in the air. The donut was no longer a simple treat; it had become a metaphor, a symbol of their darkest desires, of indulgence, corruption, and emptiness. Neither of them was full. Neither of them was satisfied.
But they would continue to consume. Because in Donutopia, it was all they knew how to do.
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Nightly Broadcast: The Dark Side of Donutopia
Anchor: Lucius Orbis, Donutopia News Network (DNN)
Location: Sector 37 - Donutopolis District
Lucius Orbis (dressed in a black suit, his tie subtly adorned with a donut-shaped pattern, speaking with a somber tone):
Good evening, Donutopia. I’m Lucius Orbis, and this is your nightly report on the state of indulgence, deprivation, and the unchecked hunger that defines our great city. Tonight’s story takes a dark, sticky turn as we uncover an increasing epidemic that’s spreading like glaze across a fresh pastry: the rise of fingering dulcoris.
The Donutopia Council has issued an emergency advisory to its citizens, urging a halt to the dangerous behavior known as digitus donuti, the act of excessively handling or fingering donuts in public spaces. Experts warn that this bizarre form of indulgence is not only a public health issue but could be a symptom of something far darker.
Dangerous Trends Amongst Donut Enthusiasts: The Dulcivorus Syndrome
Reports from Donutopia’s underground sweet shops indicate a sharp rise in the number of patrons suffering from what’s being called dulcivorus syndrome—an insatiable hunger for the sweet, but with darker undertones. One local cafe owner, who requested anonymity, described it as a "bizarre form of donut addiction."
"It’s like they’re not even eating it anymore," the owner explained. "They’re just digitus circolorum—circling their fingers around the donut, tapping it like it’s a divine relic, only to leave without actually consuming it. It's an unsettling sight."
But some have pushed the limits even further. Soul suckers, as they are now being called, are emerging across the city—individuals who engage in extreme acts of indulgence, consuming the very essence of sweetness, but leaving the donuts themselves untouched.
"We’ve witnessed a disturbing number of donutox incidents," said local psychologist Dr. Helena Visceris. "The individuals involved are no longer just consuming—they’re taking something more intangible, something dark. They’re vile expropriators, leeching the sweetness out of the very air, leaving nothing but a hollow shell of what was once enjoyment."
**Breaking: The Rise of the Sucker of Donuts and Cannibal Donut Rings
In even darker news, the criminal underworld of Donutopia has taken a turn for the grotesque. Authorities are investigating a disturbing new trend—the cannibal donut rings—a group of underground elite who engage in ritualistic acts of donut devouring that extend far beyond simple gluttony.
It is believed that these so-called donutophagus—self-proclaimed soul eaters—are fingering dulcoris to such a degree that it has become a grotesque spectacle. Instead of merely consuming the sweet, they turn the act into a twisted performance. Eyewitnesses report seeing these "performances" where the donut is not only consumed but "shared" in a way that borders on ritualistic cannibalism.
In what is being described as an almost ritualistic act of moralexor, participants in the fingering of donuts engage in grotesque displays, wherein they pass the donut around as if it were a totem, each taking a bite in a twisted circle of indulgence—circulumvorus, a perpetual cycle of consumption.
The leader of this perverse group, known only as The Glazed Prophet, has allegedly made a public statement calling for the total surrender of purificatior—the so-called "purity of the sweet"—and replacing it with the pure act of destruction and degradation.
"We are not merely fingering dulcoris," the Glazed Prophet declared in an underground broadcast earlier this week. "We are devourers of virtue, moral parasites who will destroy the purity of sweetness and replace it with a far darker hunger. We are the donutox revolutionaries, the vile expropriators of joy. And soon, we shall feast."
This speech has caused public outcry, with many citizens fearing the emergence of donutivores—individuals who see no limit to their indulgence and will consume, devour, and desecrate any remnants of the sweetness that made this city great.
The Council Responds: Call for Donut Sanctity and Public Purging
The Donutopia City Council, in an emergency session earlier this evening, called for immediate measures to curb the rise of sensualis donuti and moralexor behavior. Public square ordinances now require mandatory donut holding rituals, where citizens will undergo a donuttenere procedure in a public setting, allowing authorities to determine the purity of their donut indulgence.
Councilmember Victor Pisaro issued a statement: "The gluciductor must be eradicated, and the only way to ensure peace is by purging our streets of this decadent behavior. The cannibal donut rings will not survive the cleansing of Donutopia."
However, critics argue that this heavy-handed approach will only push the issue underground, fueling more fingering dulcoris rebellions in the dark corners of the city.
On the Horizon: The Dulcivorous War of Donutopia
As tension grows, we see the rise of a counter-culture movement dubbed the Dulcivorous War, led by radical donut fans who argue for the liberation of sugar sovereignty. These activists call themselves Dulcivorators, pledging to indulge in as much sweetness as possible, no matter the cost.
"We will not be silenced," shouted one protestor. "We will donutfigere until the end. No one will stop us. We will consume, we will devour, we will be soul suckers if we must!"
As the night descends upon Donutopia, the future of the city hangs in the balance. Will the soul suckers and donutophagus overpower the city’s sanctity, or will the council’s purging bring an end to this grotesque feast? Only time will tell.
Until then, remember: Donutopia is sweet. But be careful—some things are better left untasted.
Lucius Orbis (looking directly into the camera, his voice grave):
This has been your Dark Side report. I’m Lucius Orbis. Stay safe, and keep your donuts close. You never know when the soul suckers will come for them.
Breaking News: The Rump Election Campaign - Donutopia's Glittery Future
Lucius Orbis (looking uncomfortably upbeat, his voice bright, but with a hint of sarcasm):
Good evening, Donutopia! I’m Lucius Orbis, and welcome to this special segment where the campaign trail is not just sugar-coated, it’s glazed, stuffed, and dripping with sweet, glittery excess. The city of Donutopia is gearing up for the most flamboyant, bizarre, and—dare I say—sugar-filled election in history. This time, Donutopia is not just electing a leader. No, we’re electing The Rump.
Yes, folks, The Rump—a figure of controversy, decadence, and unrelenting sweetness—is leading the polls, and his campaign has taken a truly fabulous turn. In fact, his slogans are as wildly gay and absurd as one might expect from a city obsessed with donuts and indulgence.
Rump’s First Slogan: “Glaze It Like You Mean It!”
It all started with this tantalizing phrase, which has quickly become the rallying cry for The Rump’s supporters. The slogan, dripping with sexual undertones and sugared metaphor, appears on posters across the city—featuring The Rump himself, dressed in full, rainbow-colored donut-themed attire, biting into an oversized donut with a winking grin.
Rump (speaking in a voice dripping with confidence, on a giant hologram in the town square):
"Glaze it, baby! The future is sweet, the future is fruity, and the future is RUMP!"
Local citizen and donut enthusiast, Bernice Lavender, had this to say:
"It’s so ridiculous, I can’t stop laughing—and that’s why I’m voting for him. He knows how to take a bad pun and really glaze it. I’ve never been more ready to bite into a metaphor."
Second Slogan: "Frosted, Fruity, and Fabulous!"
Rump’s second slogan has hit the streets like a rainbow-colored confetti bomb: "Frosted, Fruity, and Fabulous!" The tagline has become an anthem for his most devoted followers—ranging from the glittery drag queens of Donutopolis to the burly, donut-obsessed bodybuilders who sport Rump’s face on their protein shake bottles. Rump’s glittery campaign commercials showcase him frolicking through fields of powdered sugar while high-fiving muscle-bound citizens covered in sprinkles. He even made a grand entrance at a rally riding a giant donut floatie, declaring that Donutopia's future could be as "sweet and sticky as we want it."
Rump (in a strategically posed shot, holding up a donut covered in rainbow sprinkles):
"Frosted, fruity, fabulous—just like me. Vote Rump, and let’s make Donutopia the tastiest place on Earth!"
Third Slogan: "Whip It Good, Donut-style!"
Now, this slogan has left the city reeling—and for good reason. Channeling all the energy of a neon-lit, decadent fever dream, "Whip It Good, Donut-style!" is perhaps the most homoerotic and over-the-top campaign slogan Donutopia has ever seen. The imagery is nothing short of ridiculous: Rump and his supporters are shown in slow-motion, frolicking through a whipped cream waterfall while, of course, fingering dulcoris in the background.
Rump (standing with a glitter-drenched pastry in hand):
"Whip it good, my sugar loves. Whip it into shape—whip it into sweet, frosted submission! With me as your leader, Donutopia will be covered in whipped cream… and so much more."
Citizen Frank, a self-proclaimed “Donut Dominator,” says:
"I don’t even care if it’s a metaphor or not—just put that whipped cream all over me. I'm voting Rump because this city needs more… flavor."
Rump's Latest Rally Cry: "Spread the Love, Spread the Frosting!"
And just when you think Rump's campaign can’t get any more flamboyant, he hits us with “Spread the Love, Spread the Frosting!” This slogan, paired with a series of viral, glitter-filled videos where Rump enthusiastically sprays frosting on everything—from lampposts to statues to even other candidates—has set social media ablaze. Supporters are loving the sense of unity, with rallies literally turning into frosting fights, and impromptu “frosting orgies” becoming the new cultural norm.
Rump (grinning wildly, frosting dripping from his chin):
"When life gives you donuts, you spread the love! Frosting for all, donuts for all, and love for everyone who isn’t afraid to get a little sticky!"
The Slogans in Action: The Homosexual Revolution of Donutopia
In a city where identity is fluid and the sweetness runs thick, Rump’s campaign has sparked a new era of flamboyance. Donutopia is now a city on the edge—where voters aren’t just casting ballots; they’re casting themselves into a sugary, glittery abyss. The slogans are everywhere: on billboards, in the streets, on the sides of donut trucks, and even tattooed on the backs of Rump’s most loyal supporters.
And in the midst of it all, Rump stands as the figurehead of a new age—one that merges the absurd, the homoerotic, and the excessively sweet into a political movement unlike any before.
The Conclusion: Will Rump Reign Supreme?
As the election day nears, one thing is certain: Rump has transformed the political landscape of Donutopia into something delectably absurd. Will he claim victory and lead Donutopia to a future of whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and donut indulgence? Or will his over-the-top campaign of excess be the downfall of what was once a city founded on simplicity and sweet innocence?
For now, the people of Donutopia wait, their eyes glistening with sugar and hope, ready to cast their votes for The Rump—the one and only candidate who promises a future that is glazed, frosted, and utterly fabulous.
Lucius Orbis (squinting into the camera with a raised eyebrow):
That’s all for tonight’s coverage, Donutopia. Remember: Don’t just vote—glaze your future. Stay sweet, stay frosted, and spread the love. Goodnight!
POLICE REPORT - DONUTOPIA POLICE DEPARTMENT
Date: October 12, 2025
Time: 14:32
Location: SpermBank Express - Sector 9, Donutopolis District
Incident Type: Public Disturbance - Donut Fisting Protestors
Officers Involved: Officer Valerian Crisp, Officer Darla "Glaze" Wilkins
Witnesses: Several bystanders, protestors, and confused sperm bank customers
Property Damage: Minor frosting residue on surrounding buildings, multiple glazed signs vandalized
Arrests: 0 (no charges filed, protestors “in the mood for donuts”)
SUMMARY OF INCIDENT:
At approximately 14:00 hours, the Donutopia Police Department received an anonymous tip regarding a "disturbance" occurring outside the SpermBank Express, a local sperm donation center that prides itself on speedy service and "delivering dreams." Witnesses reported seeing a large group of protestors, all dressed in brightly colored donuts, rainbow sprinkles, and icing-stained attire, gathering in front of the sperm bank, holding signs that read:
“Fist the Donut, Not the Future!”
“Stop Wasting Cream, Let’s Glaze It!”
“If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Fist ‘Em—For Equality!”
The protestors, estimated to number around 30-50 individuals, appeared to be part of the Donut Fisting Liberation Movement, a bizarre yet growing fringe group that combines absurdist performance art with activism for what they call "the sanctity of the glazed donut." Their primary cause: unlimited access to donut indulgence, as well as protesting what they see as the "sterilization of indulgence" by modern society (in this case, the sperm bank). The protestors have also been linked to "sugar liberation" movements, seeking to challenge the city’s ongoing battle against overindulgence in sweets.
PROTESTOR ACTIVITIES:
Upon arrival at the scene, Officers Crisp and Wilkins were met with a vibrant spectacle—protestors were chanting “Fist the sweet, free the meat!” while engaging in what could only be described as a "donut fisting" demonstration. This involved participants creating a large human circle, passing around an oversized donut (approx. 2ft in diameter), and aggressively inserting their hands into the donut’s center, as if mimicking the act of fisting—though for the sake of public decency, it should be noted that no human was involved in this peculiar performance. Instead, the protestors seemed intent on illustrating some form of political metaphor with their donut fisting act.
Protestors were shouting slogans such as:
"No cream, no freedom!"
"Fist it, glaze it, let’s do it!"
IMPACT ON SPERM BANK:
SpermBank Express employees reported initial confusion and discomfort, with one employee noting:
"I just wanted to donate some sperm, not get wrapped up in whatever… this is. Honestly, they got frosting everywhere, and I’m afraid of what’s coming next."
Several customers were seen leaving the establishment, visibly disturbed by the spectacle of protestors chanting and thrusting their hands into the oversized donut. No sperm donations were processed during the protest, though the bank reports no significant loss of business—as several customers remarked that they would return after the event was over.
OFFICER RESPONSE:
Upon arrival, Officers Crisp and Wilkins attempted to disperse the crowd using the standard protest control techniques:
Loudspeaker announcements
Non-lethal frosting spray (to neutralize excessive sugar build-up)
Verbal commands to cease inappropriate donut manipulation
However, protestors refused to comply, citing their right to "celebrate their sweetness" and "protest the patriarchal system of sperm domination."
Protestor Leader “Frosty McGlaze,” in full donut-themed attire, addressed officers, shouting:
"You can’t stop the sweetness! The donut shall rise again! We’re just here to make a statement—stop oppressing the cream!"
After a brief exchange, where Frosty McGlaze attempted to hand a giant, frosted donut to Officer Wilkins in what appeared to be a peace offering, the situation de-escalated. The crowd then engaged in an impromptu "Donut Toss" (a non-violent form of protest in which donut-related items are thrown into the air, creating a spectacle of chaos). Officers observed the toss for approximately 10 minutes before announcing a temporary cessation of protest activities.
Outcome:
No formal arrests made.
No injuries reported.
Several frosting stains left on nearby public property.
Protestors eventually dispersed with chants of: “Glaze it, don’t raze it!”
AFTERMATH AND CONCLUSIONS:
In a statement issued by the Donutopia Police Department, Chief Vayla "Sprinkles" Morales reminded the public that while free expression is encouraged, "public decorum" and donut hygiene should always be maintained. The police are continuing to monitor the Donut Fisting Liberation Movement, and will ensure that future protests involving “unnecessary frosting manipulation” are kept under control.
The sperm bank has since issued a statement saying:
"We believe in reproductive freedom, but this is getting out of hand. There will be no donut-themed protests inside our facility. Please."
Additional Notes:
Officers are exploring the possibility of frosting-cleaning drones for future protests.
No official word yet on whether the donut fisting protestors will continue their activism in other parts of Donutopia.
The Donut Fisting Liberation Movement’s next public demonstration is reportedly scheduled for the Grand Opening of Donutopia's "All You Can Eat" Dessert Bar.
END OF REPORT
Filed by: Officer Valerian Crisp
Report Number: 4253-SBM-1225-DonutFist
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