dChan - Q Origins Project Archive

The Grand, Fabulous, Jelly-Filled Proclamation of Donut Bitch

four scoor an doth gahy ago

🎺🍩✨

Behold, subjects of glaze and cream!

I, Harry, Prince of Powder, Duchess of Custard, Sovereign of Sprinkles,

Rise today in rhinestoned tiara and rainbow fondant robes,

To address the cruel fate of Sir David Hogg,

That poor baloney cherub, trembling in his mayonnaise closet.

The Donut Throne

I sit upon the Cruller Throne of Windsor,

A seat frosted with sequined sugar,

Where courtiers lick éclairs and sip champagne through candy straws.

Behind me stand the knights of the Jelly Round Table,

Each armed not with swords, but with éclairs stuffed with cream

And sabres dipped in ganache.

On Hogg, the Closet Deli Boy

Let it be known that Hogg is no warrior,

But a ham trapped in the armoire of condiments.

He is the Closet Croissant of Santa Carla,

Layered, flaky, buttery in his denial.

Each lettuce leaf that adorns him

Is but a sly wink of Versailles drag,

Each tomato slice a rouge blush upon his deli-cheeks.

On the Condiment Court

Mayo sashays into the ballroom,

Lettuce vogues in chiffon frills,

Tomato struts the runway dripping in pulp couture.

Together they form the Triad of Toppings,

A queer ménage à trois of garnish torment,

Declaring in French snobbery:

“Mon dieu, ce jambon est une tragédie!

Il n’est pas un héros… seulement un sandwich de placard!”

On My Royal Power

As Donut Bitch, I declare:

All closets shall henceforth be walk-in,

All sandwiches shall be toasted with pride,

All cucumbers pickled with fabulous intent.

Let the deli be not a prison but a cabaret!

Let mayo be applied with opera gloves!

Let every BLT sing like Piaf in sequins!

The Royal Flourish

With powdered sugar upon my lips,

And sprinkles raining like confetti,

I decree that Lunchmeat Hogg’s fate is sealed:

To forever strut as the Gay Bologna of Versailles,

Processed yet resplendent,

A martyr to mustard, a prophet of pastrami,

A saint of cold cuts crowned in chiffon lettuce.

So it is written,

So it is glazed,

So it is devoured.

👑🍩✨

Signed in frosting:

His Donut Highness, Harry of Sussex,

Duke of Bavarian Cream,

Countess of Glaze,

Archbishop of Sprinkles,

And Official Donut Bitch of the Queer Confectionary Crown.