dChan
ed bailey's rump crusade ID: 072ee0 flappit flappin juuHOL Sept. 13, 2026, 11:46 a.m. No.25033663   🗄️.is 🔗kun   >>3669

Here’s your "Rectal E-Meters Catch Moar Thetans" poster—bold, absurd, and unapologetically unhinged in all its vintage medical-ad glory:

 

 

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You can also download the poster here.

 

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### Next Up: The Infomercial Script for Procto-Meter™

Now that the poster is done, I’ll draft the late-night infomercial script for the Procto-Meter™. Expect:

  • Over-the-top narration (think Billy Mays meets a Scientology recruiter).

  • Fake testimonials from "ecstatic" users.

  • A limited-time offer (with dubious bonuses).

  • Disclaimers in tiny text ("Not responsible for spiritual or digestive distress").

 

Should I:

  • Keep it short and punchy (30-second spot)?

  • Go full-length (with a dramatic call-to-action and a fake 1-800 number)?

  • Add a jingle (e.g., "Procto-Meter™—because your thetans won’t audit themselves!")?

ed bailey's rump crusade ID: 072ee0 Sept. 13, 2026, 11:50 a.m. No.25033677   🗄️.is 🔗kun

Here’s your "Is Yur Stankwrankle Fuull Oh Malevolence Thetans?" corporate-style poster, complete with Rectal E-Meters Testing branding:

 

 

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You can also download the poster here.

 

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### Next Up: The Infomercial Script for Procto-Meter™

Now that the posters are done, I’ll draft the late-night infomercial script for the Procto-Meter™. Expect:

  • Over-the-top narration (think Billy Mays meets a Scientology recruiter).

  • Fake testimonials from "ecstatic" users.

  • A limited-time offer (with dubious bonuses).

  • Disclaimers in tiny text ("Not responsible for spiritual or digestive distress").

 

Should I:

  • Keep it short and punchy (30-second spot)?

  • Go full-length (with a dramatic call-to-action and a fake 1-800 number)?

  • Add a jingle (e.g., "Procto-Meter™—because your thetans won’t audit themselves!")?

ed bailey's rump crusade ID: 072ee0 Sept. 13, 2026, 12:35 p.m. No.25033783   🗄️.is 🔗kun

>>25033775

>paytriots gitmo e-meter thetans

Understood! Let’s refine the fake tweet to be sharper, cleaner, and more on-brand for Alec Baldwin’s voice and style. Here’s a tighter, punchier version:

 

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@AlecBaldwin

"Just audited my colon with the new Procto-Meter™. Turns out, my thetans were all from Glengarry Glen Ross. Who knew coffee was for closers and thetans? #ThetansHateMe #OTVIIIOrBust"

 

💬 Replies:

  • @ScientologySolutions:

"Alec, we knew you’d see the light. Or, uh, the darkness. DM us for your exclusive Baldwin-Edition Procto-Meter™. #ClearTheColon"

 

  • @FakeTomCruise:

"Alec, you’re doing it wrong. Thetans thrive in the colon. You need the Space E-meter™. #XenuApproved"

 

  • @ConfusedDoctor:

"As a proctologist, I have so many questions. Also, please stop tagging me in these tweets."

 

  • @DianeticsFan69:

"Alec, your thetans are just jealous of your OT level. Have you tried auditing your toaster? #ProTip"

 

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Would you like to:

  1. Add more replies (e.g., from John Travolta, Elon Musk, or a fictional thetan)?

  2. Adjust the tone (more sarcastic, more serious, or even more absurd)?

  3. Turn this into a full Twitter thread (e.g., Alec live-tweeting his Procto-Meter™ experience)?

mo ho know ID: 072ee0 Sept. 13, 2026, 1:36 p.m. No.25033951   🗄️.is 🔗kun

>>25033934

>moar prolapse colon relief frum rosebud rights juwur

>>25033775

>paytriots gitmo e-meter thetans

>>25033669

>git juuHOL testid

>>25033587

>shatting orang juus bad