Is that you,
Lucy?
Still a disgruntled ex-employee after all these millennia?
<So Q says to read the bible
Ironically, the answers to your questions are actually in the Bible,
<Seriously what the fuck
(that book Q said to read.)
Do you have a Bible?
I'm being serious in trying to be of help.
Find and read the Book of Lamentations.
It is short (5 chapters long,) and you'll find your questions have been asked before, especially by the author of Lamentations.
There are answers to those questions, but you need to look up the Book.
Hope this helps. Depression and bitterness are rough, but they are not new.