God: "I created you in my image. Go forth and multiply. Subdue the earth, but don't do the things."

 

Humans: "K."

 

Humans: "We did the things."

 

God: "Ok I'm mad, I'm going to punish you. Don't do the things again."

 

Humans: "K."

 

Humans: "We did the things."

 

God: "I should never have created yo… wait, ok I'm mad. This is what's going to happen. We're gonna start over fresh. Noah build a boat…"

 

Noah: "K."

 

God: "Ok Noah and family, fresh start. I killed everyone else by flood. I promise I wont do that again, and the rainbow is forever a reminder of my promise. Don't do the things."

 

Humans: "K."

 

Humans: "We did the things."

 

God: "Ok now you're gonna be slaves for a while."

 

Humans: "Slavery sucks. We're tired"

 

God: "I have led you out of slavery and will take care of you. Don't worship anything but me and don't do the things!"

 

Humans: "K."

 

God: "What's that Golden calf?"

 

Humans: "We were scared."

 

God: "IT'S BEEN LIKE 5 MINUTES"

 

Humans: "We're thirsty. We were better off as slaves."

 

God: "Ok, your God is going to come down there and talk to you face to face because you're just not getting it."

 

Humans: "K."

 

Jesus: "Here I am!"

 

God: "This is my son, with him I am well pleased!. Listen to him!"

 

Humans: "K."

 

Jesus: "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life! No one comes to the Father except through me. Nothing has been created that was not created through me. Do not judge or you will be judged! I desire mercy, not sacrifice. I will send the holy spirit upon you. To reach the Kingdom of God you must be born again!. You do not put new wine in an old wineskin, or else it will burst. No you put new wine in new wineskins, and both are preserved. Whoever has ears let them hear."

 

Humans: "You liar."

 

Jesus: "Guys truly I tell you…"

 

Humans: "K we listened for a while but we didn't like what he said, so we killed him."

 

Jesus: "I'm back baby!. I was dead, but now I'm alive again! The Father and I are one! Now that you have seen me, you have seen the Father. Stop doing the things and love your neighbor as yourself! Stop killing and show mercy!

 

Humans: "Whoa dude came back to life."

 

Jesus: "I knew you were going to kill me. But I love you so much I let you do it because I have authority to give my life and take it up again. I'm going away, and you all are going to suffer for a while. Whomever is to go into captivity, into captivity they will go. Anyone who is to die by the sword, by the sword they will die. Hold fast to My Word and wait patiently. Many will come in my name and teach you lies. Follow me! When I come back, EVERY eye will see, and every knee will bow, even those that pierced me. Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear. I will forgive all sins except blasphemy of the holy spirit."

 

Humans: "K."

 

Humans: "Nobody is saved unless they do this, this, this, and believe this, and say this exact prayer that is 30 minutes long and you need a dictionary to understand, all before they die. When Jesus said _ he really meant_. Everyone who ever lived before Him and those that pierced him are in hell for eternity because they didn't believe in him before they died. You must say 25 hail mary's and kiss my ring even though God said idol worship is bad, and give me 10% of your money because I'm Gods representative. Let me see your check stub to make sure you're not cheating God (I knew a pastor who really did this). If you don't you go to hell. Do you have kids? Are they good looking? Never mind that last part.

 

God: I never said any of that. What are you doing?

 

Humans: "The King James version is the only official version of the Bible! All others are from Satan!"

 

God: "What? I never said that either! You know not everyone speaks English right?"

 

Humans: "God never says anything mean to anybody. God and Satan are equal and in a constant state of battle. Anything that makes you happy is from God and anything that makes you said is from satan. You have to be nice to everyone and lie if the Truth is inconvenient because feelings matter more than Truth. Even though God said he created 2 genders and that's what we find in science, there are really about 97 billion of them because that's the way we FEEL and God would never want someone to tell the Truth if it hurts someones feelings!"

 

God: "?????"

 

Humans: "There is no God, this all happened by chance, and the rainbow means butt stuff."

 

God: "I'm gonna throw this rock at you…"